Watch What We Say
The Mentalist/Gary Unmarried
By Jason Lee
September 26, 2008
BoxOfficeProphets.com
This week on Watch What We Say: From CBS, The (pompous, pseudo-psychic) Mentalist and Gary, Unmarried
Watching CBS is the dining equivalent to eating dinner at McDonalds: you know exactly what you're going to get, even before you get it. Huge PR efforts may proclaim that there's something supposedly "BRAND NEW! TOTALLY COOL! YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THIS FROM MCDONALDS!" but nonetheless, you can pretty much predict how the "new" product is going to taste even before you bite into your first morsel of waistline-enlarging, artery-clogging, pimple-inducing, fatty goodness.
Now, I'm not saying that CBS is bad for you. I'm not saying that watching CBS will give you a heart attack (lord knows that the stereotypical CBS viewer has enough trouble with heart attacks already). I'm simply saying that CBS's repetitive strategy of filling their primetime slate with carbon-copies of existing TV hits has created an environment in which most every night of programming comes complete with a "been there, done that" sensibility.
This redundancy strategy has clearly been successful for CBS. Each year, CBS boasts the lowest failure rate for new shows. But for this BOP writer, who's spent the last three weeks watching new programming from all five broadcast networks, this strategy gets a little boring after a while.
We start with The Mentalist, CBS's blatant rip-off of the quirky, likable comedy "Psych" from USA Networks. This new version follows androgynously-named Patrick Jane, a private investigator who used to masquerade as a psychic spirit communicator. Five years ago, Jane's wife and child were slaughtered by a mysterious serial killer named Red John and now Jane uses his powers for good to help the police apprehend criminals.
So what does Jane contribute to investigations? In his own words, Jane "pays attention to the details." Basically, he employs all of the tricks of the trade that he learned while working as a fake psychic (body language analysis, visual cues, supreme powers of deduction, etc.) to ferret out secrets that no one else in the room notices.
The problem with this is that the show rarely, if ever, points out the clues that lead Jane to his boastful proclamations. As a single example of what takes place multiple times during the show, during the questioning of one suspect, Jane watches for less than a moment before whispering smugly to his colleague, "He and Alison were lovers." Not two seconds later does the suspect confess, "Me and Alison were lovers." There's no explanation, no insight, no reasoning to Jane's correct guess. It's just a single, snidely-given assertion followed instantly by confirmation.
For me, this eventually resulted in fervent hatred and abhorrence of the character of Patrick Jane. It's not so much what he does on the show but how he does it. I understand and I accept that this guy is smart. Fine, no problems with that. But does he have to be so arrogant about it? Does he always have to be showing off? Does he have to deliver every revelation with a pretentious smirk? At one point, he tells another character, "I hate talking with doctors because they always want to be the smartest person in the room . . . when clearly that's me."
It doesn't help that Jane is surrounded by a bunch of seemingly-incompetent policemen that look hard-core but aren't. In the pilot episode, Jane's team rarely made anything close to an insightful, intelligent comment about the case. And if they DID say something perceptive, it was almost always upstaged by an even more perceptive comment by Jane.
I knew people like this in high school. They were typically blessed with good lucks and muscular bodies. They were skilled at most things but were also extremely talented at one or two things. They seemed obsessed with the need to remind others on a near constant basis of their extraordinary ability – slipping snide, self-congratulatory comments into everyday conversations with grandiose smiles. They were certain that their presence on earth were gifts from God and that we should revel in the opportunity to watch them show off their phenomenal talents. I hated people like this in high school.
Suffice to say that I did not enjoy my one hour with Patrick Jane. He comes off like a pompous Sherlock Holmes. A self-infatuated John Edward. A gimmicky character that invites not a single shred of empathy. Sure, he saved the day in the end but I think I'd rather be dead than have him smirk at me one more time.
Watch What We Say rating: Zero TiVos
On to some lighter fare. Debuting on Wednesday night is CBS's new sitcom, Gary Unmarried. Watching this back-to-back with The Mentalist was an interesting experience: while it's not a great show, it aims much lower than The Mentalist in terms of quality and thus comes off as less of a catastrophe. It follows Gary Brooks, a recently divorced dad who runs his own painting business.
A couple of key events serve to shake up Gary's rather tepid bachelor life. The first is that Gary begins his first post-divorce courtship with Vanessa, a rather hot woman who initially hired Gary to paint her new condo. While he likes her (a lot!), he makes the rather careless mistake of neglecting to tell her that he's divorced and has two kids until after they've had sex.
The second key issue is the announcement by his ex-wife that she's engaged to their marriage counselor (a plot point that's quite obviously stolen from the fantastic 1996 comedy, The First Wives Club). These two points cumulatively lead to a lot of comedic hijinks as multiple relationships brim with tension. Gary trades barbs with his ex-wife because they're recently divorced. Gary dislikes his marriage counselor because he's marrying his ex-wife. Vanessa mistrusts Gary because he didn't tell her about his two kids. Etc. etc.
The show has some good acting and some strong writing but feels old and tired due to their trigger-happy use of a laugh track. Every joke is punched home with a chorus of canned guffaws, which eventually makes you feel like you don't have to laugh because someone else is doing it for you.
Sure, the child actor playing Gary's son is completely lacking in acting talent and ability and sure, the marriage counselor is dopey and stupid (he actually goes over to Gary's house and invites Gary to beat him up because he feels that a physical assault on his wife's new lover will give Gary closure) but overall, the show is pretty harmless. I would never recommend this show but at least it's not a complete waste of time, energy and attention. And in this television landscape, that's at least a small accomplishment.
Watch What We Say rating: Two TiVos
Watch What We Say: Rating System
Four TiVos: This is television content raised to the level of a transcendent art form. Not only should you TiVo this program for yourself, you should keep it on your TiVo for future generations to watch and savor.
Three TiVos: This is a very good show with a regular spot in my TiVo rotation. I watch every week and will often invite my friends over to share the enjoyable experience.
Two TiVos: I'll TiVo this show if I need something to watch while I'm folding laundry or dusting furniture.
One TiVo: I actively dislike this show and never allow it to take up space in my TiVo. Often times, I'll gripe about the show's producers, ridicule the actors and lambaste the network for keeping it on the air.
Zero TiVos: If this show is on, I unplug my TiVo for fear that the show is accidentally recorded and my entire home entertainment system gets contaminated with this malignant, diseased trash.