Win/Lose
By Ryan O'Neill
August 26, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com
In addition to Hollywood's ongoing goal to put every single comic book character in existence onto the big screen, the second largest trend has been the film remake. Each year more and more remakes, particularly movies in the horror genre, are released. So far there have only been a few movies where I actually saw the original first like Clash of the Titans, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm St. However, I can imagine 20 or 30 years from now, if things stay on the same course, that we may be subjected to a remake of E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark, or Star Wars.
For this week's column, I wanted to compare two horror remakes. Both of these I saw before the original, so I was able to judge them without prejudice or influence.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I remember reading a review by Roger Ebert for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre when it was first released and he gave it an F for being a cruel and violent movie that made him feel bad. Then he turns around and praises The Passion of the Christ for not being afraid to show the inhumanity that occurred. Hypocrisy aside, I don't understand how a movie can be given a poor grade for provoking an unpleasant emotional reaction. While it does seem wrong to recommend a movie like Chainsaw that is clearly a very sick production, I believe that if a movie is able to generate such a reaction from its audience where it actually makes them sad or horrified, then it is a very well made film. This is the horror genre, so anyone that criticizes a movie for being mean should not be watching it in the first place. One would think that Roger Ebert, being one of the most famous critics in North America, would know how to judge a movie by its genre. Apparently, he wants his horror movies to be more light-hearted. Perhaps, Freddy needs to pop up and throw out some kind of sarcastic line before anyone is killed?
Chainsaw was also criticized by many Internet bloggers because it is a remake and everyone seems to love the original. Now there are two kinds of people that watch remakes; those that despise it immediately because it is a remake, and those that are able to not be influenced by the original and judge the remake as a separate entity living in its own universe. Personally, I did not watch the original until several months after seeing the new version, and I found it to be an amateurish production. I was surprised by how much love it receives. In particular, I hate the dinner table moment where the director chooses to zoom continuously in and out on the female protagonist's eye and open mouth. This scene was so pathetic, incompetently shot, and annoying that I nearly shut the film off.
The new Texas Chainsaw Massacre was the first and most successful film by Michael Bay's production company, Platinum Dunes. With a budget of only nine-and-a-half million dollars, the movie looks like it cost $50 million. Obviously, Bay brings the same type of quality control as a producer that he does as a director. First time director, Marcus Nispel, who gained notoriety in music videos much like Michael Bay, shows a very strong visual eye to begin his film career, using close-ups and a grimy setting to set a depressing mood before the killing even begins. Nispel then went on to direct the disastrous Pathfinder before being brought back into the Platinum Dunes family for Friday the 13th, which is not as good as Chainsaw but very similarly made.
Steve Jablonsky is Bay's go to man for film scores and he always delivers an incredible sound that adds to a movie's entertainment value. For Chainsaw, he composes an absolutely sickening score that makes the viewer want to go crawl into a corner somewhere and curl up into a ball. This is a very powerful, intense score, and I have to wonder how Jablonsky came up with such an evil sound.
Probably the most impressive aspect of Chainsaw Massacre is the fact that I found the entire film to be completely plausible. There is no lame humor to take the viewer out of the moment, no exaggerated deaths, or poor makeup and effects. Every single moment of this movie could take place to a group of individuals that just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The main male character, Eric Balfour, is the first to be murdered and that was a nice surprise that changes the usual routine of horror flicks. Balfour's death is a perfect example of the film's realism. He is creeping around a strange house and is distracted by the interior of a very dark and filthy room when Leatherface comes up from behind and hits him in the back of the head with a sledgehammer; one shot and goodnight. The character has no chance at all to defend himself, which is how it would be in real life, and I think that is one of the reasons why critics like Ebert were so traumatized by the film's brutality.
Two more standouts that are worth mentioning are Jessica Biel, who is more stunning here than any other film I've seen her in, and the narration of John Larroquette during the movie's prologue and epilogue, which combines with a stylish flash from an old fashioned camera and black and white cinematography.
If you include many of the DTV horrors that I have seen, I would estimate that I see at least 30 terrible horror movies to every one worth adding to my DVD collection. Released in 2003, Chainsaw was one of the first horror films to take itself completely seriously in a long time. Of course, many movies in the genre have now turned to gratuitous torture to try to promote being scary and that's a failure to discuss at another time. Chainsaw is actually far less gory then it seems. There is a small amount of blood in comparison to other restricted horror movies. It is the film's mood, relentless tone, and score that trick the viewer into thinking they have seen something far more sadistic that it really is. I highly recommend it to fans of the horror genre, and I can't stress enough that non fans need to stay far away. This movie will not put you in a good mood, and because of that it is quality filmmaking.
My Bloody Valentine
Oh, Patrick Lussier, what happened to you? I may have been one of the only fans of Dracula 2000, but I saw potential for Wes Craven's editor turned director. After releasing a barrage of DTV garbage such as Dracula II, Dracula III, and White Noise 2, Lussier finally made it back to the cinema with My Bloody Valentine, and the result was an epic failure. After being subjected to this mess, I think that I may have to go back and watch Dracula 2000 again to see if I was hallucinating when I found it entertaining.
My Bloody Valentine is filled with shady production values. I don't expect Lussier to have the quality control of a visual genius like Michael Bay, but the stuff he allowed to make the final cut on this film is an embarrassment. A hospital is filled with numerous corpses that look exactly like the cheap dummies that they are. What, you can't hire a bunch of extras and cover them with makeup? There is nothing worse in these new generation horror movies than CGI blood. Once you see the blurry red stuff that does not blend in properly with the actual filmed background, there is no chance of obtaining any kind of emotional reaction other than laughter at the fake carnage. Valentine is filled with numerous CGI assisted kills, and they all look lame. I'm assuming that since the whole movie was filmed for a 3-D release in theatres that this is to blame for the 2-D production looking so wrong on DVD. The camera has a noticeable motion blur when it swings around for quick movement, and the unprocessed colors/ poor lighting look all out of whack. Think of the cheap cameras used in television soap operas and Valentine looks even worse.
I can't comment on the acting in My Bloody Valentine as it is non existent. Jaime King spends the majority of the movie running around in frumpy, oversized shirts. I don't follow celebrity gossip, but unless she was hiding a real life pregnancy, there was no reason for the main heroine to be wearing such strange attire in a horror movie. Kevin Tighe, who did such an outstanding job ruining John Locke's life on Lost, even gives a poor performance which shows how important a quality director is to his actors. Think of the pathetic performance by Mark Wahlberg in The Happening due to the incompetence of M. Night Shyamalan and you have an idea of how truly lost Kevin Tighe is here.
While I don't think that the antagonist's character needs to be dissected to such a degree in order to explain his action in such films as Hannibal Rising and the Halloween remake, it does help to at least have a villain with somewhat of a reasonable motive. Here, a miner is trapped in a cave-in and he suddenly decides to start ripping out the hearts of his fellow co-workers. When he awakens from a coma, he then goes on a rampage in the hospital and starts dicing everyone in sight. Did I miss something here, or is that beyond stupid? Why is he doing this? Do cave-ins make people psychotic, or is it awakening from a coma on Valentine's Day, or is just a half-ass screenplay? I think it's the latter. Having a guy running around in a miner's suit shredding innocent people with his pick axe is an idiotic concept to begin with. Even the poster art looks ridiculous. It's hard to believe that the original would even be remade. I can imagine the conversation when Bloody Valentine was first marketed to an executive at Lionsgate. "Picture this, a pick axe stabbing people completely in 3-D. Those teenagers will eat this up!"
Let me explain one of the film's most asinine scenes in an attempt to persuade anyone who has yet to see the film to stay away. Jamie King and her co-worker, who just happens to be having an affair with her husband, are chased by the mad miner through a grocery store until they barricade themselves in an office. After stopping the maniac miner from entering the door, the two women then open a window and attempt to escape outside. Alas, their plan fails as somehow, the crazy miner has run out of the store and around the building into an alley where he is able to grab the co-worker and mutilate her. Jaime King then vacates the window and runs back to the door where she hits an alarm so the police can come to rescue her. Let me reiterate that she hits the alarm approximately five minutes after entering the room, blocking the door, climbing out a window, and then having her co-worker taken. I guess that makes sense to somebody.
A week before I rented My Bloody Valentine, I was checking out the DVDs for sale at Wal-Mart, and I saw a woman who looked to be in her early 20s purchasing the film. If I had seen this masterpiece of crap earlier, I would have actually asked her what in the world she was thinking.