Win/Lose
By Ryan O'Neill
October 26, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com
The summer of 2009 brought two of Hasbro's beloved '80s toy properties to the screen. I was a child of that era, so I am very familiar with the big four toy lines: Star Wars, Masters of The Universe, Transformers, and G.I. Joe. The latter two both made a big splash in the box office this summer and became punching bags for critics and Internet haters, but only one of the movies actually deserved the backlash.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
For a movie that apparently everyone and their dog hated, Transformers 2 became the highest grossing film in domestic box office so far in 2009 with a $402 million gross. Now, the haters will still say that everyone thought it sucked and they were just curious, but the Michael Bay extravaganza then went on to sell two million copies on the first day of its DVD release, and it is well on pace to also become the number one seller in home video for 2009. So, answer me this, if the movie is so bad and everyone hates it, why in the world would they want to own it? I believe that you have a classic case of critics and certain fan boys who have a grudge against Bay because he has an overinflated ego and he absolutely refuses to kiss ass in order to get by. I say that's good for Bay, as he has managed to succeed on his own terms, and he doesn't care what anyone thinks.
I must admit my bias for Michael Bay films. Ten minutes into the original Bad Boys, I found myself asking "Who directed this movie?", as it had an incredible visual style that immediately grabbed my attention. This patented style throughout Michael Bay's career has made him my absolute favorite director, and I pride myself on being a film lover of all genres except the musical. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was filled to capacity with these "moving paintings" as I like to refer to them. Bashers of the film, especially the so-called professional critics, should show some respect to the craft and time it must take to set up these amazing visuals, and I am not just referring to the special effects. Several shots were patiently rendered with the sun shining in the perfect place between two characters or over Megan Fox's shoulder; a Michael Bay Trademark that never grows old. The through-the-keyhole swooping camera scene is an amazing spectacle, and the most breathtaking shot of the year involves a camera on the ground pointing towards a distraught Fox while a medical helicopter can be seen flying over her. The forest fight itself is easily worth the price of admission. It is five minutes of absolute perfection, and the best scene in any movie in many years.
I saw the film on several occasions, each time with a different friend. These are friends who usually sit through a movie quietly and then discuss their likes and dislikes with me afterwards. Three of these friends were bouncing on their seat during the forest fight, and all three of them turned to me when it was over and said, "That was f...ing awesome." I have never seen this type of reaction from them in a public theater before, and these are three separate people on three separate occasions who do not know each other and they each used the exact same expression. That tells you something right there about how good Transformers 2 is. This is spectacular filmmaking, and I would like to be able to sit down with some of these critics and debate the quality of the film's beauty scene by scene. An argument I could make with every one of Michael Bay's eight movies.
As for the plot that has been crucified, I found it very easy to follow and likened it to a traditional comic book story, which in a movie like this is exactly what it is supposed to be. Kevin Dunn gives the best acting performance of the film near the end where he pleads for Sam to run away from the ongoing carnage. All the criticisms made about the acting in the picture must have missed this scene.
The film's CGI effects may possibly be the best ever. Steve Jablonsky composes yet another killer score, and the sound effects are meticulously crafted. Even the opening Paramount logo with the shooting stars has an awesome mechanical sound that erupts from a separate speaker for each star. Michael Bay's main concern is to assault the audience's senses with something that has never been seen or heard before and he succeeds every time. For his detractors who wish to harp about plot or acting for whatever reason, I dare them to argue his quality control. As far as I am concerned, there has never been a director in Hollywood history that has the quality control of Bay. He ensures that absolutely every single shot looks perfect, and he would never allow a pitiful, fake special effect shot in his movie, unlike the director I will discuss next. Although everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I'm grateful that I am not like these Bay haters, and I can escape to a place of great happiness and awe every time I watch one of his films.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
I see a lot of Internet blogs using the word hack to describe a director that they do not like. Perhaps every director currently working has been called this by at least one disgruntled film watcher. Obviously, these critics have no idea what a hack truly is. A hack is not someone who makes a movie with a weak plot or poor character development as they seem to think. The definition of a hack is someone who has no idea what they are doing; a total incompetent. This is a person with skills so limited that the product they release is an absolute embarrassment; it looks and sounds like a complete amateur production. This brings me to G.I. Joe and its director, Stephen Sommers. Apparently, G.I. Joe cost $175 million to make, only $25 million less than Transformers 2. The latter has some of the best CGI ever, while G.I. Joe made my jaw drop on countless occasions due to its pathetic effects. What was all that money spent on? These are Sega Genesis graphics. I've seen better effects on cut-scenes for the Playstation. How did this movie pass through Paramount, receive such a massive marketing push, and be released on thousands of screens around the world? Sommers should be ashamed of himself, and all of the writers who praised this film on a certain Web site that thinks it's cool should be ashamed of themselves.
You can actually see the exact moment Stephen Sommers stopped caring about his craft and his audience. It happens during the last 30 minutes of the Mummy Returns. I enjoyed The Mummy and its sequel, but then, all of a sudden, a computer rendered Dwayne Johnson imposed onto the body of a CGI scorpion comes running out of a tunnel, and I wanted to throw up. This is followed by a disastrous blue screen effect of a forest being sucked into a temple. Sommers continued to spit on quality control and production values with his next film, Van Helsing. Then he topped himself with the grand-daddy of them all, G.I. Joe. Somebody get the man a Commodore 64 as he might as well just start throwing stick figures up onto the screen. They would probably look more realistic. The director is so insane that he even made Destro's head a CGI monstrosity. An effect that probably cost a million dollars looks hideous when all he had to do was have a cool looking steel mask made for a tenth of the price.
Watching G.I. Joe a month after Transformers 2 was even more painful. Michael Bay uses his connections and gets numerous jets and aircraft carriers for his film, as well as actually being allowed to film at the pyramids in Egypt. Sommers decided to base The Pitt, the Joe's base of operations, near the same pyramids, but they are lame CGI images. Why is the Pitt not in Washington anyways? Oh, it's because Sommers is a Bay wannabe and tried to copy him unsuccessfully. The majority of the jets in the film are CGI, and even the lone aircraft carrier near the end is CGI. I actually burst out laughing in the theater when I saw that phony looking joke float by on screen.
I could go on all day about the underwater battle where Mr. Eko sits in a chair in front of a blue screen while the audience is supposed to believe he is deep beneath the ocean waging war on numerous other actors sitting in front of a blue screen while wiggling back-and-forth. The single worst scene of the entire movie is when the Baroness runs up a ramp and jumps to Storm Shadow so he can fly her out of the Joe's base. This is literally composed of a bouncing black dot that hops a few times and then jumps up into the air to grab a white dot. Like I said earlier, it's beyond embarrassing that this fake garbage was allowed to be released and people were expected to spend their money on it.
Transformers and G.I. Joe both made changes to the source material. Whether you agree or disagree on the design alterations made in Transformers, at least you can understand the reason for why they were done. Michael Bay wanted to lose the blocky shapes from the cartoon, and he decided that a Camaro looks many times cooler than a Volkswagen. On the other hand, what is the explanation for the changes made in G.I. Joe? Snake Eyes wears a mask and doesn't talk because he had his face nearly blown off in an explosion. In the film, he took a vow of silence because his master was murdered, and he wears a mask just for kicks. What the hell is that??? Instead of meeting Storm Shadow in Vietnam and then joining his ninja clan later after his family is killed in a car accident, the film's origin explains Snake Eyes as a ten-year-old homeless child who sneaks into a ninja clan in search of food, and then he proceeds to go one-on-one with Storm Shadow and hold his own. Did the rats in an alley teach him ninja skills? The Baroness is not an evil woman; she is Duke's girlfriend and was hypnotized. Cobra Commander is the Baroness' brother, and he has to wear a gas mask because he got his face blown off instead of Snake Eyes. He is supposed to be a regular guy who uses connections and money to build a cult and then a terrorist organization. Brendan Fraser makes a cameo as Sgt. Slaughter because apparently, the real Sgt. Slaughter was not available to play himself.
In the theater, G.I. Joe made me laugh in horror and cringe in disgust at its shoddy production values and horrendous CGI quality control. I feel sorry for anyone who spends their hard earned cash to watch it on Blu-Ray where the kindergarten level effects will be even more obvious in high definition.