What I Learned From
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
By Tom Houseman
December 11, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Now, it's generally true that most action movies have conservative overtones: the general message involves how awesome it is to take the law into your own hands, how great guns are, and that the good guys are the ones who kick the most ass. The Dark Knight was basically a Public Service Announcement for the Patriot Act, but Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen takes its message to a whole new level, not just defending conservative ideology but attacking liberalism and denouncing recent Democrat actions. That's right, there are all sorts of digs at current events thrown in with the close-ups of Megan Fox's breasts. So for all you Young Republicans out there hoping to explain why Michael Bay is the next Ronald Reagan, this is for you. And for everyone else, take these lessons as additional reasons to hate the Transformers movie.
1. The Government should never interfere with the military.
I don't know about you, but if there are three people I trust to make the decisions that decide the actions of the United States Armed Forces, they are Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, and a giant talking truck with seemingly unlimited fire power. Clearly the team behind Transformers: ROTF feels the same way. You know who should have no say in what the government-funded military should be doing? The government. Specifically some scrawny, bespectacled, balding (the trifecta of loserdom) white guy who thinks he knows better than Optimus Prime how to defeat the Decepticons. The National Security Advisor shows up at NEST Headquarters, demanding that the government control the action, which largely consists of trying to convince the Autobots to get out and not let the ozone layer hit their shiny metal asses on the way out. Does this sound similar to Nancy Pelosi criticizing General McChrystal's call for a surge in troops in Afghanistan? Yup, the government always screws everything up when they try to "save lives." They should just leave everything to the men with big guns.
2. Spreading information only helps the terrorists.
Remember how Obama was going to make public all the information about Americans torturing potential terrorist suspects? Remember how everyone knew that all it was going to accomplish was to make the terrorists mad and give them extra incentive to kill us? Well if you thought that, you were wrong. Little did we know it would also help the Decepticons! That's right, kids, anytime you tell anyone anything secret, Decepticons hear you (assuming that you are a scrawny bespectacled balding National Security Advisor), and they will use the information you tell them to kill everybody. "Let's talk about what we know," says the National Security Advisor. He then explicitly states the hidden locations of every piece of weaponry that the Decepticons need to plan their revenge against Earth, not realizing that they're listening to every word. Didn't the Bush administration teach us that everything we say is being heard? Bad National Security Advisor! Bad!
3. Torture gets results.
Ever since that whole Abu Ghraib fiasco, there has been constant debate over whether or not the United States should use torture techniques on terrorist suspects as a way to get information out of them. Fortunately, Transformers: ROTF has answered that question with an unqualified yes. When Megan Fox captures a little Decepticon who is spying on her, she needs to know what he's up to, other than getting new photos for the Decepticons' Megan Fox up-skirt website. Asking him nicely isn't gonna work, so she goes to the next logical step: blasting his eye off with a blowtorch. Immediately, he gives in and tells her everything he needs to know. Clearly after watching Transformers: ROTF, nobody will have any problem with getting information from terrorists by water boarding them, electrocuting them, and making them watch Transformers: ROTF.
4. The government is full of cowards and liars.
Somewhere in the Bible there's something about the truth coming "out of the mouths of babes," but I'm pretty sure that Jesus or whoever was misquoted, and what he actually said was that truth comes "out of the mouths of Decepticons!" When the Decepticons decide to reveal themselves to the world, they hijack every television in the world and the first thing they say is "your government has lied to you!" Is it a coincidence that the second before this line is said, a picture of Obama is shown on the television. The connection is pretty obvious, people. The Decepticons, like the birthers and the teabaggers, are unafraid to tell the truth. A few minutes later, a news report is describing the panic that has descended upon the world and how the government is reacting. Is Obama manning the front line like Bill Pullman did in Independence Day? No, it is explicitly stated that Obama has gone into hiding. The message is clear: if John McCain had been elected president he would be out there punching Megatron in the face.
5. The French are gross and obnoxious.
Because at this point, the conservative movement has boiled down to cheering on Sarah Palin and taking digs at the French. There are no Sarah Palin references in Transformers: ROTF, unless she's meant to be represented by Starscream (actually, that works), but there's an entire scene that's just about how gross and obnoxious the French are. Shia LaBeouf's parents are vacationing in France and trying to be sophisticated. In a scene lifted directly from the Olsen twins movie Passport to Paris - I'm not kidding - Papa Witwicky bemoans how gross snails are. Mama Witwicky, trying to be the more cosmopolitan of the two, tries a bite of escargot, but admits that it is disgusting. That's when a mime jumps up to the table, antagonizing Papa Witwicky and being generally irritating. French culture, like everything else in a Michael Bay film, is boiled down to its most simplistic and obvious traits, and everyone knows that France is just a bunch of snail-sucking mimes.