A-List:
Movies That Should Be Left Alone
By Josh Spiegel
March 15, 2010
BoxOfficeProphets.com
I had something of an epiphany come to me as I was watching the mostly forgettable and sometimes loathsome Academy Awards ceremony. Like last year, the In Memoriam segment was accompanied by a solo performer singing a classic song. Last year, it was Queen Latifah. This year, it was James Taylor serenading us with the Beatles' In My Life. I have no quibble with Queen Latifah, nor with James Taylor. But sometimes, it's best to leave things alone. The In Memoriam segment can confuse some people if they don't know who's being eulogized, but the montage is usually moving, scored to some famous movie theme. No, said the producers; let's throw something live in the mix. So, here I stand on my proverbial lawn, turning into a proverbial old man, and grumbling about the way things were.
But, in the case of some movies, whether we like it or not, Hollywood chooses to change things. We can't leave well enough alone at the Oscars, so why not everywhere else in the multiplexes? This week's A-List is going to highlight five movies or stories that are so popular, so often used, and so poorly used that Hollywood needs to stop. Not all of the movies are the best, but the basic stories have been done so many times, in movies and on television shows, that I say we need to retire them. I like the movies or stories on this list, but I don't love them; the point here is to try and preserve whatever dignity is left in these sacred cows, so sacred despite Hollywood trying to sully their reputation at every chance.
The Wizard of Oz
Here's one of the movies that I just don't like as much as others. Yes, it's a classic. Yes, the movie is iconic. Still, I've never embraced The Wizard of Oz as much as my contemporaries, or the generations before. Having said that, Hollywood needs to back off this movie. Remaking The Wizard of Oz, or attempting to sequelize it, as was done in the 1980s with Return to Oz, is a bad idea. What's more, the very idea of a character going to a fantasy world, only to return to the real world and be met by people who appear in both worlds, is about ready to be retired. When it comes to The Wizard of Oz, should anyone even attempt to top this Judy Garland classic? I'm not saying that a filmmaker couldn't try, or that an actress couldn't match Garland's charm and vivaciousness, but this is one of those cases where you have to wonder what the point is.
Yes, being fair, remaking The Wizard of Oz, potentially in 3-D (because what would make the movie better is if the Scarecrow pointed toward the audience when telling Dorothy Gale how to get to Emerald City), is all about money. I'm not naïve enough to assume that the people who greenlight movies aren't first thinking about the financial bottom line. That said, there has to be a line people shouldn't cross. Movies like Casablanca or Citizen Kane, you would imagine, are sacrosanct. We'll never get too close to seeing these movies be remade. There have been rumors in the past; the former film's potential remake would've starred Kevin Costner as Rick. Once you've finished puking your guts out at the thought, join me back at the computer screen. Shouldn't The Wizard of Oz be considered as sacred a movie as those two? It's a defining classic, and shouldn't be tarnished.
It's A Wonderful Life
Here's another movie that, you would imagine, would never be remade. How could anyone touch the ultimate Frank Capra movie? Who could perfectly emulate George Bailey better than Jimmy Stewart? And yet, though we've never seen an exact remake, haven't we seen the basic idea - that of a man or woman finding out what life would be like if they'd never been born - done to death? You could even argue (though it'd be a very iffy argument) that the new season of Lost, in which - spoiler alert! - we are presented with a parallel timeline in which Oceanic Flight 815 doesn't crash on the mysterious Island, has a similar storyline, in that we are invited to see the other side of the coin. Still, Lost's exploration of multiple worlds is a little deeper, to say the least.
Movies as recent as Click have attempted to show its main characters how terrible life would be if only things went one way, not the other. Not all of them are as drastic as in It's A Wonderful Life, but the basic idea is to have George Bailey, or his stand-in, to realize that life is better the way it is, and he shouldn't squander it. But the very idea is one of the most standard and lazy clichés, as predictable as the sun rising every morning. I grant you, unlike The Wizard of Oz and a few other films on this list, It's A Wonderful Life is not currently (to my knowledge) ready to be remade. No one's attempting to throw this one out in multiplexes. But after The Wizard of Oz, executives may just pick and choose as they like. It's bad enough that the overall storyline has been overused for decades. I don't want to imagine what a new George Bailey would look like.
A Christmas Carol
I talked about Ebenezer Scrooge a few months ago, but I'll reiterate here: this has to stop. Is it when Michael Caine interacts with the Muppets that we should be aware that things have gone too far? Is it when Mickey Mouse plays Bob Cratchit? Is it when Scrooge sings? Or is it when Jim Carrey plays Scrooge and all three ghosts who visit the miser? Because, as much as I love the Charles Dickens novella, this story has been done so many times, there's no excitement left. The real problem is that Hollywood has chosen to always do variations on the story. There are so few true versions of A Christmas Carol, versions that don't have 3-D effects, versions that aren't animated, for kids, starring a woman as Scrooge, or a musical. The two most notable recent versions that were faithful were both on television.
So, weirdly enough, I'd be okay with a new version of A Christmas Carol...as long as it's faithful. It's worth pointing out that the latest try, starring Carrey and directed by Robert Zemeckis, is very close to the source material, down to matching dialogue. That is, until Scrooge inexplicably shrinks to the size of a mouse and is chased by the Ghost of Christmas Future throughout the streets of London. That part doesn't show up in Dickens' masterwork. I know, you're saying, why not add something new to this story? If we're all so familiar with it, why do the faithful version? Well, there have been so few faithful versions that people would likely be surprised at how emotional this timeless story can be, especially when it's just about the story, not the gimmick. Of course, we'd have to get an actor who's, you know, English and the right age, so Jim Carrey, you need not apply.
Alice in Wonderland
Here's the story that's inflamed Warner Bros. to think of remaking The Wizard of Oz, as the most recent version is doing well (maybe too well) at the box office. Here's the thing, though: this story is finished. I will admit, the framework of this story isn't often used in other media; usually, it's always just Alice in Wonderland. The issue is that most folks in Hollywood try to make the movie in live action. Yes, Tim Burton's new movie isn't very heavy on live-action filmmaking, aside from the prologue and epilogue. Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter are enhanced (or are meant to be enhanced) by the computer-generated backgrounds and characters. However, that choice made those actors seem even more fake. If we're meant to believe that Alice is journeying through Wonderland (yes, not Underland), it's hard to buy the story if she interacts with very fake creatures.
The problem is that, to me, Alice in Wonderland can only work as an animated movie. The White Rabbit, the caterpillar, the knaves made of cards, the Cheshire Cat. The list goes on, and is full of unique and wild characters who can't be brought to life in live action, and can't really interact very well with live-action characters if they're animated. It's rare that such a mix works, and since Wonderland is meant to be such a vibrant place, the contrast between the real world and the animated world would be too stark to be believable. Yes, if I've not been clear enough, I didn't enjoy Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland, but even before the movie began, I had to wonder what the point was. Do we need a new Alice? The Disney version may not be beloved, but it doesn't feel unlikely. Frankly, even remaking lesser Disney movies is a bit much for me; leaving Alice in her Wonderland may be best for everyone, money-maker or not.
Some Like It Hot
Again, here's a movie that's in no current danger of being remade, thanks to the massive flop that was Connie and Carla (that would be Nia Vardalos' follow-up to My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which managed to be a female version of the classic comedy). But men dressing up as women has been far too common; a 1980s TV show, Bosom Buddies, was constructed around such a premise. And sure, seeing Tom Hanks in a dress is funny, if only because...well, it's Tom Hanks. But after movies such as Sorority Boys (admit it; like me, you're ashamed to have even heard of this movie), isn't it about time to give up the ghost? Men dressing up as women can be funny, but in some ways, it's never been better than it was in Some Like It Hot. This period comedy about two hapless musicians who have to go undercover to avoid mobsters made the idea of cross-dressing men iconic, but almost made it unnecessary to repeat.
There have been popular films since then about men who dress up as the fairer sex, such as Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire, and The Birdcage (based on the French film La Cage aux Folles), but none have been as classic as Some Like It Hot. The former of those three movies is certainly well-loved, but it's unfortunately a product of its times. The movie reeks from high heaven of being a typical early-1980s comedy, from its cheesy jazz score by Dave Grusin to the unfortunate supporting performance from Teri Garr right down to the now unlikely idea that Bill Murray would ever have a hilarious yet nearly invisible cameo as the title character's wry roommate. I'm even partial to some of Mrs. Doubtfire, even with it being incredibly sentimental. But I'm even more tired of Hollywood thinking that big-name actors dressing up badly as women is funny. It's not. Let's hang it up, folks.