A-List:
Movie Characters Who Would Be Crazy in Real Life
By Josh Spiegel
March 18, 2010
BoxOfficeProphets.com
I'm talking about characters whose actions make sense only in the world of the movies they inhabit. If another writer was behind the script, if another director was behind the camera, if another actor was playing the role, these characters would be a lot weirder, a lot creepier, and a lot scarier than they are. I want to make clear: the characters I'm about to highlight are decidedly taken at face value in their respective roles. A handful of the characters are looked at oddly, but none of the films take them so seriously as to commit them into an insane asylum, which is exactly what would happen if these fictional people wound up in the real New York, or the real Los Angeles, or wherever else the films are set.
So, what drives me crazy about this idea? Though I'm a fan of most of the movies I'm going to talk about in the A-List, rewatching them always gives me pause. If only the script had gone darker, things would be much different. In one case, the character is unintentionally frightening and nutty; unfortunately for us, so is his female lead, so no one ever actually realizes how insane they are. All of these characters, of course, end up achieving their respective goals; if they didn't, they'd be in a movie that dealt with their issues seriously. As it stands, all of the characters in this week's A-List get what they wanted (or are going to get what they want), but if they only pushed just a bit, they'd all be bonkers. On to the list!
Edward Cullen in Twilight
Yes, boys and girls, you can send your hate mail to me, but it's true. Let's pretend for a moment that vampires do exist. They don't (sorry), but let's say they do. First, I hate to break it to you, but Edward Cullen is not a vampire. The sun doesn't make vampires sweat profusely (whoops, sparkle - my bad); it burns them up instantly. Vampires don't have the ability to fly (whoops, run really fast - again, my bad); they have the ability to suck people's blood. Edward Cullen is not a vampire. Even going past that, he's as much an insane stalker as some bruiser type out of the Lifetime Channel movie of the week. Think, if you can (or choose to), to the first scene where Kristen Stewart's Bella Swan meets Robert Pattinson's Edward Cullen (and boy, am I sad I know those character names). In this scene, Cullen stares at Bella. Or, he looks like he's constipated.
Are you swooning yet? If you're Bella, who's apparently as insane (for proof, check out the execrable New Moon), of course you are. Nothing says love like a pale-faced loony who's so intense, he might throw up. In the real world, there are would be people surrounding Bella and Edward who are worried for her safety; I'm not saying that there aren't people who would be as self-destructive as Bella is (for her, as you can all imagine, danger equals walking up to a motorcycle-driving guy and....asking for a ride!), but there aren't nearly enough people in this world who wouldn't tell her to run the other way when Mr. Faux-Intensity came running toward her, whether to stop a truck or just to glare at her for a while. In the real world, Bella would be forcibly removed from this nutcase.
Buddy the Elf in Elf
Now, let's get this out of the way: I love Elf. Elf is one of my favorite holiday movies. Elf is one of Will Ferrell's funniest movies, and Buddy the Elf is one of his best characters. But Buddy the Elf is a wacko. Yes, you're thinking, his father (as played by James Caan) doesn't exactly welcome Buddy with open arms, nor does he believe Buddy's story of living and working alongside Santa Claus at the North Pole. That said, why doesn't Caan's character call up Bellevue as soon as he realizes that his long-lost, fully-grown son dresses up like an elf at Santa's workshop? Well...because the story requires him not to. In the real world, more than just Buddy being dragged away from his dad's publishing company would happen. Those security guards would call up the psych ward, lickety-split.
Moreover, when Buddy's stepmother, played by Mary Steenburgen with her usual charm and grace, takes Buddy's rantings (and they would be rantings to Steenburgen and Caan's characters, remember) at face value and simply shrugs...well, that just wouldn't happen. Again, I'm not bashing this movie (certainly not anywhere near the level of Twilight), but the character of Buddy the Elf is a crazy person. Santa Claus, in real life, does not exist (I know, I'm breaking hearts and spirits left and right today). A grown man dressed as an elf would be taken away and never seen again. Frankly, he's just as likely to be a serial killer as he is to be a committed patient at Bellevue. But, then, Elf doesn't take place in the real world.
Giselle in Enchanted
Maybe Buddy the Elf could hang out with Giselle from the Disney movie Enchanted. As played by Amy Adams, Giselle is a charming, beautiful and disarming princess. Adams' performance elevates the rest of the movie (which, aside from the supporting performances courtesy of Timothy Spall and James Marsden, is pretty weak), but even still: Giselle is insane. Or, you could take her at face value: she's a princess from a far-off place in, apparently, another universe. Oh, and she's never seen an aquarium or fish before; that, and only that, would explain why, in one scene set in a law office, Giselle sees a few fish and swallows them whole, before spitting them out in an ashtray. That is what a crazy person does. Crazy people swallow fish and spit them out in front of human beings. But no one calls the nuthouse to take her in.
In an early scene, the harpy girlfriend of Patrick Dempsey, as played by Idina Menzel (and, I gotta say, though I love Disney, them hiring such a talented actress-singer and having her not sing is pretty damn stupid), sees Giselle walking out of the shower and acting like a fairytale princess. What does she do? Complain about never getting to stay over at McDreamy's apartment. Because that's what you do when a fairytale princess waltzes out of your boyfriend's shower wearing a towel, and barely that. At no point in the film is the idea floated that, yeah, Giselle's just making all of this up, something that would seriously warp (potentially for the better) the movie's entire tone. It wouldn't work for Disney, but I'd love to see a serious look at someone with severe mental issues, as Giselle would have if she was in the real New York City.
Scott Calvin in The Santa Clause
Here's a perfect example of this phenomenon. Scott Calvin turns into Santa Claus, after inadvertently causing his death. That in itself is a bit dark, especially for a Disney movie. Sure, this was back when Tim Allen was starring on the sitcom Home Improvement, and was a welcome and calming presence for families. But, still: Santa dies in front of our eyes. Pretty traumatic. That aside, Scott Calvin is a lunatic. And, he's managed to make his own son insane, too. Sure, in the movie, Santa is real, but in real life, we have a guy running around and attempting to make himself look like a fabled character from children's stories. What's more, he's trying to rope his son in, to the point where he steals his own child from the kid's legally designated parental figures. He's insane, but he only winds up in a police station.
And, sure, he's broken out of that police station by his son and a group of fighting elves, but why isn't he put into a mental institution immediately? Would no one else think that this man is a danger to everyone? Yes, the idea that a man who claims that he's Santa Claus would be committed is heartbreaking to children of all ages, but it is what it is. Tim Allen, of course, manages to make Scott Calvin as sane as a man claiming to be Santa Claus could be. Unlike the other characters I've listed, he takes the entire situation with a big, heaping grain of salt, until he realizes that it's all really happening. I still think he's a nutjob, but at least he's a self-aware crazy person. That makes things a little more palatable.
Daniel Hilliard in Mrs. Doubtfire
Yes, I know. I could probably fill an entire list of characters played by Robin Williams who are absolutely crazy, and not in a good way. And, honestly, I kind of like Mrs. Doubtfire a lot. Williams' character, Daniel Hilliard, is, however, kind of insane. Granted, of the five movies on this list, this is the one that is grounded in real life. Yes, I realize that a guy dressing up as a fat Englishwoman to be closer to his children is insane, but we find out how Hilliard does what he does, and we know why he does what he does. You could say that his devotion to his children is admirable, and it is. But what Daniel Hilliard does is scary. He's told that he needs to get his life together, acquire an apartment, and pull down an honest job. He dresses up as Mrs. Doubtfire.
As a high-concept comedy, it's great. As real life, it's not. In real life, a guy like Daniel Hilliard, no matter how talented he may be at disguises, would be arrested and thrown in jail as soon as is humanly possible. A man who goes to such lengths as to break the law, even if by cross-dressing and stage makeup, is a man who should be nowhere near any children, especially his own. We admire the desperation in Williams' performance, because the desperation is heartfelt and appropriate. But, in a real man, that same desperation pushes him right to the precipice of being insane, not being a devoted and loving father. As I'm sure it would make some of you happy, I think that this Williams character should be committed, and right quick.