A-List: Unlikely Action Heroes
By Josh Spiegel
July 8, 2010
BoxOfficeProphets.com
I’m not advocating a rush back to the time of stars like Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Bruce Willis. Hell, I can just wait until August for The Expendables if I want that. However, it’d be nice if the folks in Hollywood could cast their action movies with more believable heroes. I like Adrien Brody as an actor, and I think that Topher Grace is charming and charismatic. And I think that the Predator would eat them in five seconds, combined. I’m sure they’ll do their best to pull off being tough guys who can wield guns and get beat up without whimpering. But if you told me that there would be a new Predator movie, these two guys would be at the bottom of my dream casting list. This week’s A-List looks at a few other unlikely action heroes from years past, successful and unsuccessful; hopefully, Brody and Grace will be on the side that doesn’t proverbially get destroyed by the Predator.
Tobey Maguire
Sometimes, an actor gets a part that catapults him to megastardom; they may not seem to fit the role, but by the time the film comes out, they’ve grown into the role. I’m not sure Tobey Maguire has ever really fit the role that made him something close to a household name. What’s more, I’m fascinated to see what kind of career Maguire has now that his time as Spider-Man is over. The big recent news was that the reboot of the Spider-Man series, coming out in July 2012, had found its title character in young British actor Andrew Garfield. Garfield and Maguire are similar in one major respect: they both look like they could barely hurt a fly. Now, granted, Spider-Man is also Peter Parker, and meant to be an ostracized little nerd. That said, even in the most recent Spider-Man film, Maguire’s gawkiness was played up for laughs; can you explain the atrocious dance sequence in any other way?
Before Tobey Maguire became Peter Parker, he was an indie darling, appearing in such films as Wonder Boys and The Ice Storm (directed by Ang Lee, who’d get involved in the Marvel world in 2003 with Hulk). These days, the biggest indie name who might have fit would be Jesse Eisenberg; still, an upcoming indie film, The Kids Are All Right, co-stars one of the would-be Spider-Man auditioners, Josh Hutcherson. All of this is to say that, yes, Peter Parker isn’t meant to be a tough guy, but you’d think that years of bulking up to sling web would make you look fierce and imposing. The suit did all the intimidating work for Tobey Maguire, because he’s never, ever looked like he could kick the asses of Willem Dafoe, Alfred Molina, Thomas Haden Church, and - hey! - Topher Grace.
Jake Gyllenhaal
Every so often, people wonder what’s to become of the great actors of the golden age of the 1970s. Who will replace them? Those who are left, including Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino, and Robert De Niro, are either acting sporadically in bad movies, or barely acting at all. One of the problems is that so many actors in their 20s and 30s look younger than they are. Case in point: Jake Gyllenhaal. I’m not here to knock him as an actor, but even in his best work, such as Zodiac, he looks like a kid. I’m not exactly an oldster (I’m only 25), but I feel like watching him run around in Zodiac, seemingly as a dedicated, obsessed investigative journalist, is like watching an eight-year old kid play dress-up. So when he got cast as the lead in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, I was skeptical.
When I saw the posters of Gyllenhaal in the film, with shoulder-length hair and no shirt on, I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m not the target market for a shirtless dude, but said dude is meant to be a weapon-wielding badass. As always, Gyllenhaal looks too damn young, too damn childish to star as the hero of what was potentially going to be a major film franchise. Seeing as Prince of Persia has been out for over a month in theaters and hasn’t crossed the $100 million mark, that’s not happening; could part of the problem be Gyllenhaal? Along with maybe Ben Kingsley, he’s just about the biggest name on the movie; what’s more, hiring a white man to play a non-white character couldn’t have helped with fans of the video game source material. Either way, when you want a badass, don’t call Jake Gyllenhaal, at least not yet.
Johnny Depp
Yes, I know, Johnny Depp is in the middle of filming the fourth film in the Pirates of the Caribbean series (I’m mildly excited, if only for the prospect of having him face off with Ian McShane). But Captain Jack Sparrow is and was an outlier in Depp’s career. Before the first film in the franchise, people wondered what had happened to his sanity: why would he choose to star in a movie produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and based on a theme park ride? The scenes without Depp, in the first film, aren’t that bad to begin with, but Depp’s roguish performance vaulted the film to its success and guaranteed Depp years of comfort if he wanted it. Smart man that he is, Depp hasn’t looked back. You and I may not have anything nice to say about the recent Alice in Wonderland film, but it made over a billion dollars worldwide. Depp’s a big part of the reason.
So why is Johnny Depp such an unlikely hero? He’s not that intimidating (though Jack Sparrow is adept with a sword), and he always seems so easy to defeat. Put him up against Stallone and see who wins. If there’s an Errol Flynn character in the Pirates movies (and it’s a stretch, I realize), the winner is Orlando Bloom’s Will Turner. Captain Jack Sparrow is what would happen to Errol Flynn if he was playing himself, not one of his dashing lead characters. Don’t forget this about Johnny Depp, too: he doesn’t do action movies. Even in Sleepy Hollow and Nick of Time, two of his more action-based movies, he’s playing a regular guy or a wimp, or both. Depp is quirky, charismatic, and gauche, but he’s not an action star. Luckily, he’s playing to his strengths.
Billy Zane
Some of you may be asking, “Who?” Some of you may be wondering if this is a joke. Some of you may be reciting Billy Zane’s famously bad dialogue from Titanic (“I make my own luck!”). But I am serious. What’s more, Billy Zane’s most high-profile role as an action hero manages to also be a failed superhero movie. Back in 1996, before superhero movies were the norm, not outliers like Batman, Paramount Pictures tried to jumpstart a franchise starring The Phantom. Why not a superhero movie about a guy in a purple suit and a decoder ring? Why not Billy Zane, pre-Titanic, as the lead? Why not Treat Williams as the villain? And Kristy Swanson as the female love interest? Yeah, The Phantom was pretty much dead on arrival, but part of the problem is that Zane is just a dead zone of charisma.
I know, there are some of you who love Zane (and yes, he is funny in his cameo in Zoolander), but his is not a name that inspires confidence in any movie he’s in. Sure, he’s fine in Titanic, but he’s also supposed to be a proverbially mustache-twirling villain, so it’s fine if he’s nothing if not loathsome. But how many action heroes can go from being loathsome in one movie to dashing and daring in another? I’m willing to admit that The Phantom would’ve failed with pretty much any actor (much as I’d be willing to wager that Jonah Hex would have sucked with or without Josh Brolin, an otherwise fine actor), but putting Billy Zane as the title character just begs for trouble. Small wonder he’s not a star.
Owen Wilson
In 2001, Owen Wilson and Gene Hackman co-starred in a wonderful, exciting, entertaining, and fresh new film. It was called The Royal Tenenbaums. Those of you with good memories will remember that The Royal Tenenbaums was preceded, by only a month or so, by the silly action film Behind Enemy Lines, which posited Wilson as a lone wolf who lands in the middle of the war against Bosnia and has to get back to his base without getting killed, and without much help from his superiors, even the intrepid character played by Hackman. This film was made back when Hollywood wasn’t exactly sure what to do with the blonde actor with intense blue eyes and a strangely shaped nose. Nowadays, Owen Wilson signifies nothing less than laid-back cool in raunchy comedies or family movies. Back then, not so much.
So why is Wilson such an unlikely action hero? He’s not exactly awkward running around or carrying a gun, but his off-screen persona has matched what he brings to the silver screen, so I wouldn’t feel too threatened about a guy holding a gun when he looks like he just left the beach. Matthew McConaughey’s about as threatening (and don’t get me started on him being an unlikely actor to play various roles; remember him as the intellectual in Contact?). Wilson has appeared in other movies with action in them, but they’re predominantly comedies; you may not have laughed much at Starsky and Hutch or the Shanghai Noon films, but they’re meant to be gutbusters. Wilson learned his lesson, even if Behind Enemy Lines did well enough to spawn direct-to-DVD sequels; he’s too relaxed to be a hero.