A-List: Future 3-D Conversions
By Josh Spiegel
August 5, 2010
BoxOfficeProphets.com
This film, plus the constant rumors of movies such as Titanic and Star Wars being converted for 3-D re-releases, has got me thinking. We’re reaching - or have already reached - 3-D oversaturation. It’s telling that Inception’s stellar box office performance has been written about, always with the note that it’s not in 3-D. It’s one of the few huge successes of the past couple years, but it could have easily been like the other blockbuster hits and been converted into 3-D. So, today’s A-List takes out its oh-so-reliable crystal ball and looks to what classic films from years past should go under the 3-D conversion knife. Now, there aren’t yet stories about these movies being chosen to get the 3-D treatment, but if we get Beauty and the Beast, Star Wars, and Titanic, why not waste money on converting these timeless films?
12 Angry Men
As hard as it may be for you to believe, movies weren’t always in color. Ted Turner tried his best to ruin - I mean, enhance - classic films such as Gone With The Wind by colorizing them, but there were years and years of movies solely filmed in black-and-white. One of the great black-and-white films, not just because of the time in which it was released but because of how well the film utilizes the lack of color, is 12 Angry Men. In all sincerity, if you have not seen 12 Angry Men, you’ve done yourself a disservice. Go to Netflix, go to your library, go to a Blockbuster, or keep a weather eye on Turner Classic Movies: this is one of the best moral dramas ever made. And now, we should release it in 3-D. 2012 is the film’s 55th anniversary: let’s do it then.
Sidney Lumet does a great job here, directing a movie by making you feel like you are there. Add 3-D effects to that, and you’ve got a surefire winner. The sweat that drips off the twelve jurors who make up the title cast, caused by the unbearable heat and closed quarters; can’t you just imagine holding out your hand, waiting for the sweat to drop into your palm? Don’t think too much about why you’d want to do that; converting these movies into 3-D doesn’t demand a lot of thought. 12 Angry Men in 3-D would prove the naysayers wrong; even the least likely candidates can be in this format. None of the actors are still with us, unfortunately, but Lumet is alive and still kicking, so let’s get him into the booth and work on converting Henry Fonda into something all 3-D viewers can enjoy. Who’s with me?
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Comedies shouldn’t be ignored when it comes to 3-D conversions. It’s too easy to forget about these movies, even if some of them are wildly successful and have tons of gross-out jokes that need to be experienced with 3-D glasses on. Can you imagine watching There’s Something About Mary in 3-D? Finally, you can touch Ben Stiller’s frank and beans! Isn’t that what you’ve all been wanting to do anyway? But I’ve chosen another great comedy here, one whose gross-out jokes aren’t nearly as in-your-face. We may not be ready yet for There’s Something About Mary in 3-D. There’s only so much we can handle. Instead, I’m picking one of my favorite comedies, the 2004 film Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Of course, Will Ferrell’s back on the big screen with director Adam McKay this weekend with The Other Guys, but Anchorman’s the best of their films.
What does Anchorman offer in 3-D? You’ve got the luminous Christina Applegate, real enough to touch. There’s the scene where Jack Black, as an angered motorcyclist, kicks a dog off a bridge. And what about the scene where Ron Burgundy has a massive erection and shows it off to his female love interest? That’s almost as good as Ben Stiller’s frank and beans, right? I know, you think I’m going too far, but when it comes to 3-D conversions, there is no such thing! We need to push this technology as far as it is able to go, and then some. If we’re going to make 3-D movies, then this great comedy, which even features a bear attack that could become too real for some audience members, needs to be converted, and fast. Anchorman may not seem a likely candidate for 3-D, but just imagine Ferrell’s mustache with those glasses. It can’t lose!
The Bridge on the River Kwai
Here’s a twist on the idea of having a war movie converted into 3-D. Why not have a war movie in 3-D? Think of a movie like Saving Private Ryan. The bullets are flying all around, and the camera is roving throughout the epic, harrowing battle. We are there in Normandy on Omaha Beach. Imagine all of that respectful yet realistic fighting…in 3-D! But Saving Private Ryan is still too fresh in people’s minds, so let’s bring back a golden oldie, as it were. From 1957, it’s The Bridge on the River Kwai. In 3-D! Alec Guinness and William Holden! Combative generals from the British and Japanese armies! A bridge being built over nearly three hours! In 3-D! We are talking about one of the classic war movies, done right after over 50 years. Like 12 Angry Men, its 55th anniversary comes up in 2012, so that’s when it comes out.
The Bridge on the River Kwai doesn’t have a lot of action, but like most of the great David Lean epics, it can be incredibly immersive. When Guinness’ stubborn general is forced into an iron hut in the middle of the baking heat, we’re there with them. With the 3-D glasses on, we’ll be sweating, too. When Holden escapes to lie on the beach with a beautiful young woman, we’ll feel the water from the shore at our heels. And when the climactic scene, in which the titular bridge is brought down amidst tons of explosives, happens, we’ll be on the edges of our collective seats, shielding ourselves from the wreckage. David Lean’s films, especially his later works, need to be experienced on the big screen. Putting us even further into the action is the best way to do this. 3-D all the way.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Another staple of American films from the past are teen comedies. John Hughes, as you all are aware, made the teen comedy as iconic as the war movie, the musical, or the Western. He brought us relatable characters, realistic situations, wild humor, and memorable music. That is, of course, the opinion held by many people. I am not one of them. That said, I am aware that these films are juggernauts of their kind, iconic to so many generations. How many yearbook quotes are from a Hughes movie? Probably my favorite - though not a perfect film by any means - is the 1986 comedy Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Ferris Bueller has some of the most iconic lines and moments, but we need to put it in 3-D for its 25th anniversary next year. This will be the movie to prove that 3-D works all the time.
The massive crowd scene in Chicago as Ferris sings Twist and Shout, the dramatic scene when Cameron trashes his dad’s precious convertible, Ben Stein constantly asking for Bueller… these are tailor-made to blow audiences away. We all want to go to Pandora, but if we can see Chicago look as vivid and colorful, then we’ll be as in love with Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago as we are with Jake Sully. (Ponder for a second how weird I feel to know both of those names without looking them up.) Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is already a great romp of the teen genre, but you put it in 3-D, open it up to generations young and old, and you have a breakaway 3-D hit. Who knows, The Breakfast Club or Some Kind of Wonderful could get the treatment next if this works!
Forrest Gump
I can see it already. As the credits roll, coming out of the screen like the great 3-D effects, what should join them? The feather! You know what I’m talking about, folks! The feather that, like Forrest Gump himself, ambles along and lets things happen to it, no matter the cost. That feather would soar out of the skies, right into our glasses, and back into our hearts. I know, I know: you think I’m being a touch sarcastic here, but think of all the great publicity that could come from this movie being released again. We’ll wait, of course, until 2014, when the movie hits its 20th anniversary, just to be timely. Though he’s not in as many movies as he used to be, there’s no question that Tom Hanks remains one of the great American actors of his generation (and that is one of the few things I say this week with pure sincerity).
So why not have Hanks be rediscovered by a younger generation? I was just under ten-years-old when Forrest Gump was released, but there are kids who weren’t even born then who need to watch this movie! How else are they going to learn about the 1960s? We need to teach these kids about Woodstock, Vietnam, war protests, jogging, and many other zeitgeist-y elements of the Baby Boomer generation? Where are they going to learn about those things, a history book? I think not. A 144-minute whimsical drama that glosses over and idealizes most of those stories is best, and best watched with 3-D glasses on! And don’t worry, I haven’t left out the other parts of the movie that are going to be awesome in 3-D: the battle scenes in Vietnam, Robin Wright dancing in front of leering louts, and all that damn shrimp. 3-D shrimp! Let’s get on it!