A-List: The Twitter Movie
By Josh Spiegel
September 30, 2010
BoxOfficeProphets.com
That aside, if the movie’s a commercial success, you know what you can expect from Hollywood in the future: copycats. We’ve seen, in years past, plenty of TV shows and movies that exist solely because of something more popular, something that felt original. The question is not going to be what movies rip off The Social Network, but how quickly it happens. There’s already been a story about a movie retelling how Google was formed, but I’ve got a better idea. In fact, I’ve got five better ideas, all revolving around the same website: Twitter. Twitter is quickly becoming as popular and accessible as Facebook. I check it every day…oh, who am I kidding? I’m on it all the time, as much as I check my mail or entertainment news. Twitter is the next natural cinematic property, and today’s A-List discusses five potential, big-budget smash hits. Let’s get to the list.
The Status Update
If you’re not currently registered on Twitter and don’t know much about the site, I want to first congratulate you. You’ve made it back to civilization and chosen to read Box Office Prophets to acclimate yourself with society. What a wise choice! Twitter is a website where you can update your status in 140 characters or less. Here’s my first idea for the Twitter movie: the story is shown in a typical, linear storyline. We meet the creators of Twitter, find out how they grew up, how they ended up deciding to go with this idea for the website, how they got successful, how the site became a go-to place for regular folks like you and me, and celebrities ranging from actors to directors to sitting heads of state. What’s the catch? Every single person in the movie speaks…in 140 characters or less.
I know what you’re thinking: with the state of some big-budget blockbusters these days, what’s the difference if the characters only speak that much per line? And, sure, some of the dialogue would be easy enough to craft without sticking to the 140-character-or-less rule. However, it’s not so easy when you want your characters to express themselves in more than just rote responses, something like “Yeah” or “OK”. The script for The Social Network, for example, notably written by Aaron Sorkin, has been lauded above all else. The dialogue the characters have is witty, intelligent, verbose, and lengthy. Imagine the restrictions on the Facebook movie if the dialogue had to be that short. Who would write this version of the Twitter movie, which I’m calling The Status Update? For quick, terse dialogue, there’s only one man for the job: David Mamet. Sign him up!
The Twitter Opera
I wish I could understand the hype and fervor surrounding the hottest show on network television, Glee. I love musicals. I like high school dramas. I should love Glee. But I hate it. We can discuss that later, but I’m more than willing to acknowledge that Glee is incredibly popular. Let’s continue - or help end - that popularity with the Twitter Opera! Okay, it won’t really be an opera, per se. No, this will be the story of how Twitter was created through song. Lea Michele, Cory Monteith, the rest of the Glee gang: they’ll all be there for this wild, woolly, and toe-tapping story of the underdog triumphing over the big guy to become the dominant new force in social networking! Can you say “Number-one album on iTunes for a full year”? (I hope so. You just came out of hiding into civilization. Basic speech is important.)
Now, there are two options with regards to the music. As proven on Glee, you don’t need to create new music to make money (and why would anyone want to create something new? That’s for losers!). Plenty of popular music - let’s try to make it come from the 1980s! - can be exhumed for use in this Twitter musical. Can you picture one of the cast members from Glee - with Jane Lynch scowling in the background, because that’s what you pay a talented comedienne to do - belting out My Way to express how they feel they have to make Twitter their way, not someone else’s? I cannot begin to describe how much money would be made on the trailer alone. Twitter is very good for social marketing; why not exploit it in the film? Get Ryan Murphy on the horn!
The Tweetening
One notable aspect of The Social Network is that its screenwriter, Aaron Sorkin, has been very particular about expressing his distaste for Web culture. If you watched the political drama he created for NBC, The West Wing (and you did watch that show before you went into hiding, right?), you’ll know that, through his characters, Sorkin would often lambaste Internet forums and those who frequented them. Now, speaking as a member of the Internet…or something, I’d like to spend a little time on why Sorkin’s opinion is a bit narrow, but that’s not what we’re here for. Taking the cue from Sorkin’s distaste and fear, let’s turn the story of Twitter’s inception into a horror film. Yes, friends, you had better hold onto your seats for the scare-filled frightfest known as…The Tweetening!
Remember? Just like The Happening! (For the purposes of this column, let’s pretend The Happening was successful and well-liked.) In The Happening, of course, Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel were beset upon by…the wind. Well, it was really nature striking back at mankind, but that’s not what it looked like. In The Tweetening, Twitter is what it is now: a popular social networking site where people update their statuses all day long. Except here is where people’s worst fears are realized: using Twitter too much has turned these people into mute zombies, constantly on their iPhones and Blackberries, except when attacking those who still cling fiercely to being called Luddites. As with any great horror movie, there’ll be plenty of blood and violence to enjoy. The question is who do you root for? The people who use Twitter…to KILL? Or the people who fight back without technology? See for yourself this Halloween!
The Stolen Tweet
The Social Network is about how a few people say they were involved at the beginning of Facebook, but were pushed out by its creator, Mark Zuckerberg. One of the main storylines is between Zuckerberg (as played by Jesse Eisenberg) and his best friend (Andrew Garfield), who claims that he was railroaded because he wasn’t moving at the same speed as his buddy. What if the facts were slightly changed for the story of Twitter, in a film called The Stolen Tweet? Two directions for this movie: it becomes a neo-noir, recalling the great films of the 1940s where people like Humphrey Bogart would get embroiled in vast conspiracies and shack up with dames, broads, and other antiquated terms for women. The film could also be a straight-up depiction of how Twitter became something else when its creators stole from someone else. Mystery or conspiracy thriller? You choose.
Either way, The Stolen Tweet could be as much of a cinematic revolution as The Social Network purports to be. The latter has been called the film of the decade, and it seems to be something akin to All The President’s Men. Sorkin and Fincher have managed to make a topic that seems completely boring - the founding of Facebook - into a breathless drama. It can be done for Twitter, friends, just you wait and see. To spice things up - whether The Stolen Tweet is a mystery or a political conspiracy - we’ll have to have some action scenes. If our investigator is the main character (I’m seeing someone like Daniel Craig as the lead), there could be a car chase or two thrown in for good measure as he outruns those who don’t want him coming close to the truth. He sniffs out a case, but I’m sniffing out some Oscars!
The Twits
If there’s one word in the English language that I wish hadn’t become so commonplace, so accepted in traditional vernacular, so normal, it’s the word bromance. Bromance, which isn’t really a word as dictionaries define them, but is regularly used these days, means a story of friendship between two guys, roughly in their 20s or 30s. So let’s make the story of Twitter a bromance! What is The Social Network if not an exploration of a failed friendship, between Zuckerberg and Eduardo Saverin (Garfield)? Theirs was the bromance that couldn’t get off the ground, but the story of Twitter is much happier in the new, laugh-out-loud, raunchy comedy The Twits. You will not be surprised to find out that The Twits are the two lead characters, a couple of regular dudes who like to hang out, play video games, and get high together.
You will also not be surprised that I am envisioning The Twits to be directed, written, and/or produced (depending on his schedule, of course) by Judd Apatow, and starring Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. Or Jason Segel. Hell, let’s make it about three guys and throw Segel in with Rogen and Hill. Now, Apatow and company have been involved with a lot of movies that follow this template, but the difference is what will net Apatow an Academy Award nomination for Best Picture: it’s a true story! The trio of actors may not have to stretch too much, but the story will be so heartfelt, so real, and so hilarious that voters won’t be able to deny them Oscar glory. The Social Network has been touted as the top Oscar contender, and doesn’t it seem ridiculous that a movie about Facebook would get there? Why not Twitter? Why not…The Twits?