2011 Calvin Awards: Worst Performance
February 16, 2011
BoxOfficeProphets.com
But in the midst of this turnover, there's some stability. Megan Fox's reign as the worst performer of the year stretches to two after topping the list for her talentless showing in Jonah Hex – wait, did I say talentless? Okay, I guess looking good in a corset is kind of a talent – which lifted any doubt in the minds of even her horniest fans that she was simply let down by the horribleness of the Transformers sequel's script. So lifeless and lacking emotion as the stock “hooker with a heart of gold” character, when Fox is struck by a couple of characters during the movie, you half expect to see sparks shoot out.
With two straight dominating results in this category (and with identical point totals and winning margins), Fox is in danger of us needing to Larroquette her out of this category. Then again, to win this award, you need to keep being cast in films that people will see. This is a problem which should end up being self-correcting.
While Gerard Butler is a relatively competent actor who's given some decent performances, it's not a shock that he'd eventually end up on our list here, taking second place for his performance in The Bounty Hunter. A mean-spirited performance, Butler seems to relying on his own perceived rugged-good-looks (a gamble, considering he's starting to look more and more like Tom Green) for audience good will. It's becoming clear that 300 wasn't just him stepping up for a loud role – he only knows how to act by yelling. Jennifer Aniston may be able to coast by on looks and past glory, but Gerard, you're creepy and you're really pushing it.
Speaking of which, third place brings us to Kim Cattrall in Sex and the City 2. While this movie officially flipped the switch on every character in this franchise from “eccentric and adorable” to “you should die in humiliating fashion”, none made that transformation more than Cattrall and her portrayal of Samantha aka “The Promiscuous One”. Reduced to shrieking her lines after one perceived injustice or another to her character, Cattrall came to embody everything that had gone wrong with this franchise which needed ever-desperate maneuvers to grab attention. Take the remaining scrap of your dignity and go home, Kim.
For some actors, bad acting is more noticeable when we have actual fine performances to point to in comparison. Johnny Depp is a perfect example, landing here in fourth place for Alice in Wonderland after many years on the other side of these awards. Portraying the Mad Hatter, Depp was reduced to a creepy moon-faced grin and giggling falsetto that personified the whole unsettling experience of the film. A rare misstep for Depp, it may finally be cause to start that intervention between him and Tim Burton.
I've heard tell that Eric Dane is a professionally employed actor on television. That seems like a dirty rumor based on his performance in the ensemble film Valentine's Day, in which he reads his lines with the enthusiasm and conviction of a hostage in a bank robbery, landing him in fifth place. Portraying an aging football quarterback with a secret, he brought to mind Brett Favre in There's Something About Mary – and came up short in the comparison.
Sixth spot goes to the first of two actors in From Paris With Love, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, a victim of miscasting so egregious it borders on the criminal. Rhys-Meyers plays a low-level functionary at the U.S. Embassy who suddenly morphs into a super-spy, and manages to sleepwalk his way through even that role. Sean Connery at his manliest couldn't have been expected to pull this off, but he would have at least tried.
It's certainly not impossible for musicians to make the transition to credible actors – Will Smith and Mark Wahlberg come immediately to mind, among others – but you could see the talent underneath. Pre-fab country-pop princess Miley Cyrus doesn't come close to that level, and it lands her in seventh place on our list for her showing in The Last Song. It's true that her fans don't expect anything more from her than saying all the words in order and staring moonily into whatever dude they stick in front of her as a love interest, but Miley, adulthood is careening around the corner for you, and they expect real emotions in those movies.
A three-way pile up at eighth place completes this category, starting with repeat offender John Travolta in From Paris With Love. This is the third time he's landed in this territory, spewing his overacting all over The Punisher and Be Cool in the past. Jeez, Travolta, you can't even act poorly well.
Then we have a pair of lovebirds from Valentine's Day, Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift. Perhaps it's a tender mercy to Lautner to be this low after his showing in the Twilight films, but he and Swift are equally terrible as a couple of high school seniors apparently told to act like eight-year-olds told to show off at a talent pageant. Lautner, who's two Twilight movies away from the start of his career in gay porn, and Swift, who seems to equate acting with flailing her arms around, are likely only saved from being higher up on this list due to the (blessed) briefness of their parts.
Just missing out on the full brunt of our scorn are the two leads from Killers, Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl, and Joaquin Phoenix, in his career-killing role as “himself” in I'm Still Here. Oh, how we wish that weren't true. (Reagen Sulewski/BOP)
The Calvins Introduction
Best Actor
Best Actress
Best Album
Best Cast
Best Character
Best Director
Best Overlooked Film
Best Picture
Best Scene
Best Screenplay
Best Supporting Actor
Best Supporting Actress
Best TV Show
Best Use of Music
Best Videogame
Breakthrough Performance
Worst Performance
Worst Picture