TiVoPlex
By John Seal
July 11, 2011
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Tuesday 7/12/11
1:15 AM Turner Classic Movies
The Golden Arrow (1962 ITA-FRA): The Golden Arrow is an above average Italian adventure fantasy with much to recommend it. Start with lead Tab Hunter, whose portrayal of Hassan the Thief is either the least realistic film portrayal of an Arab character in film history or a refreshing refusal to pander to ethnic stereotype - take your pick. Even though he's dubbed here, he's physically perfect for the role. The Golden Arrow is the tool Hassan must master in order to assume his rightful place on the throne of Damascus, but there's plenty of action, adventure, and magic before a satisfying and amusing denouement featuring flying carpets that, erm, carpet bomb the bad guys. This is not your average, cheapjack sword and sandal "epic" - though the special effects are showing their age, the lush location work, superb widescreen cinematography, and impressive set design make this one a winner from a technical perspective. And though I can't prove it, some of the location footage seems to take place amidst the same columnar ruins as featured (I think) in 1978's Hercule Poirot mystery Death On the Nile. Or was it Ten Little Indians? Either way, this is a very good fantasy film from underrated auteur Antonio Margheriti.
5:30 AM HBO Signature
Gestation (2009 COS): I do love my firsts, and they keep on coming - even after almost nine years of TiVoPlex’s. (Or should that be TiVoPlexi? I’m not sure.) Here’s the first Costa Rican film I’ve ever recommended, a drama about a young woman (Adriana Alvarez) who finds herself barefoot, pregnant, and attending school in one of the most Catholic countries in the world. To make matters worse, her school is administered by arch-conservative nuns. Uh oh. I don’t think they’ll be approving any visits to Planned Parenthood.
1:00 PM Turner Classic Movies
The Cool Ones (1967 USA): Films don’t get much less cool than The Cool Ones, one of Hollywood’s most embarrassing and inaccurate attempts to channel the youthful zeitgeist of the late ‘60s. Eternally hip Roddy McDowall plays the appropriately named Tony Krum, a Dick Clark-style television impresario who hopes to boost his ratings and bolster his checking account by foisting a new boy/girl singing combo on the public. Will up and coming ultra chick Hallie (Debbie Watson) and down and out hunk Cliff Donner (Gil Peterson) make beautiful music together? More importantly, will they (gasp) fall in love? Considering The Cool Ones came out only a couple of months before The Summer of Love, it is almost totally squaresville, man, the only saving grace being an appearance by garage punkers The Leaves. Well, that, and a brief cameo by "pop star" Mrs. Miller.
9:00 PM Turner Classic Movies
Lion of the Desert (1981 LBY): Holy moly. We have another first on our hands, people: a Libyan film, screening this evening as part of TCM’s July spotlight series Arab Images in Film. Partly financed by this year’s Hitler, Moammar Gaddafi, Lion of the Desert tells the epic tale of Omar Mukhtar (Anthony Quinn), leader of the guerrilla army that spent the better part of the early 20th century making trouble for Libya’s colonial master Italy. It’s a stirring if somewhat overlong (almost three hours) history lesson, featuring (in addition to Quinn) Rod Steiger as Mussolini (rumor has it Mussolini’s old barber polished Steiger’s dome to the correct sheen during production), Oliver Reed, Raf Vallone, Irene Papas, John Gielgud, and Andrew Keir. Produced and directed by Moustapha Akkad - a Syrian filmmaker killed in an Amman terror bombing in 2005 - Lion of the Desert is screening tonight in widescreen, rendering it absolutely, positively required viewing.
11:30 PM HBO Signature
Dieta Mediterranea (2009 ESP): I haven’t seen this Spanish romantic comedy yet, so proceed with appropriate caution. It’s about a woman (Olivia Molina) with aspirations of becoming one of the world’s greatest chefs whilst she also tries to pick the right man. This brief précis sounds quite predictable, but I bet Dieta Mediterranea features some yummy looking food. Of course, that doesn’t help those of us who still have neither Taste-O-Scope nor Smell-O-Vision.
Wednesday 7/13/11
2:40 AM The Movie Channel
The Untold (2002 USA): It’s pretty bad, but how can you overlook a Bigfoot (sorry, "sasquatch") movie starring Lance Henriksen? No, Lance doesn’t play the yeti (sorry, "sasquatch") himself, he plays Harlan Knowles, a powerful industrialist whose daughter has been involved in a plane wreck. Like most powerful industrialists, Harlan has more money than sense, and hires a group of victims - er, adventurers - to go searching for her (or, more likely, her remains). Alas, they instead encounter the Abominable Snowman (sorry, "sasquatch"), a primitive creature with some decidedly bad table manners. Henriksen aside, The Untold is close to unwatchable, but if you’re a fan of gigantopithecus (sorry, "sasquatch") you won’t want to miss it. Also airs at 5:40 AM.
Thursday 7/14/11
12:15 AM Encore Dramatic Stories
Lebanon (2009 ISR): Or Apocalypse Nu, as I prefer to call it. Lebanon tells the tale of an Israeli tank crew during the 1982 invasion of the titular nation, and it’s a bloody, sordid, and claustrophobic story indeed. Those sequestered in the sweltering tank turret include Yigal (Michael Moshonov), the driver who’s convinced his engine is about to break down; Shmulik (Yoav Donat), the gunner who doesn’t always choose to shoot straight; Hertzel (Oshri Cohen), the sanguine ammo loader; and the Colonel Kurtz of the piece, unhinged C.O. Assi (Itay Tiran). Add in a bloodthirsty paratroop officer (Zohar Strauss) and some loony Phalangists and you have a recipe for battlefield disaster. A film fest favorite, Lebanon scooped up prizes around the world and is highly recommended for war movie buffs.
8:30 PM Turner Classic Movies
Abbott & Costello Meet the Mummy (1955 USA): It’s been a really, really long time since this A&C feature last aired on TCM (or any other channel, for that matter). Not that it can hold a candle to the comedy team’s better known (and simply better) monster rally tribute, Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein, but you’d think this one would have popped up on Halloween at some point over the last decade. It’s the team’s final big screen outing, and features the boys as hapless treasure hunters stranded in Egypt. When they find out they can earn their passage home by escorting Dr. Zoomer’s (Kurt Katch) mummy back to America, they leap at the opportunity - not realizing until it’s too late that the mummy in question is Klaris (Eddie Parker) and not Mrs. Zoomer. It’s a fairly routine A&C comedy, but has a solid supporting cast, including Marie Windsor, Richard Deacon, and Mel Welles.
Friday 7/15/11
1:35 AM Cinemax
Terror in the Aisles (1984 USA): Ah, the clip show - a venerable stand-by on television, but not quite so common on the big screen. Here’s one of the rare exceptions, a compilation of scary moments from a passel-load of fright flicks of the ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s. It’s hard to believe Terror in the Aisles grossed over $10 million at the box-office in 1984, but home video hadn’t quite peaked and apparently folks were happy to ante up half a sawbuck to see the "good bits" of a bunch of old movies. Donald Pleasence and Nancy Allen are your hosts for this blast from the pre-digital past, which also airs at 4:35 AM.
Saturday 7/16/11
8:00 AM Turner Classic Movies
Ace Drummond (1936 USA): Ace must face off against The Squadron of Death in Chapters 11 and 12 of the chapter play.
9:00 AM Turner Classic Movies
Tarzan’s Peril (1951 USA): Is suburban sprawl encroaching on the tree-house? Has the T-man (Lex Barker) forgotten how to speak in monosyllabic English? Has Boy taken a fancy to Jane? No, Tarzan’s Peril is merely an escaped gun runner (the deliciously evil George Macready) beating feet for the nearest exit. The first Tarzan feature to be filmed in Africa, Tarzan’s Peril benefits from superior production values, solid acting by Macready and Barker, and the welcome casting of Dorothy Dandridge as a (gasp) black African!
10:05 PM Encore
Cyborg (1989 USA): Also known, rather deceptively, as Masters of the Universe 2, Cyborg is a classic of the low-budget "bleak future" genre. Directed by Albert Pyun (he of the much unloved Nemesis series), Cyborg stars beefcake Jean-Claude van Damme as Gibson Rickenbacker, a gun for hire escorting cyborg Pearl Prophet (Dayle Haddon) from point A to point B whilst trying to evade interception by evil warlord Fender Tremolo (Vincent Klyn). No, I’m not making these characters’ names up - but where’s Les Paul? If you think the Mad Max movies are a little too highbrow, you’ll find deep satisfaction in Cyborg, which also includes a character named Marshall Strat. Oy. Also airs 7/17 at 1:05 AM.
Monday 7/18/11
1:15 AM Turner Classic Movies
Stand by Me (1986 USA): It’s The Wonder Years, corpse-style! This nostalgic Rob Reiner-helmed and Stephen King-inspired joint relates the misadventures of four young lads (Corey Feldman, Wil Wheaton, River Phoenix and Jerry O’Connell) when they stumble across a body whilst frolicking in the Oregon woods one idyllic summer’s day. Will the boys be forced to grow up in a hurry? And how! This is one of those films told via book-ended flashbacks narrated by an adult version of one of the main characters, but was a progenitor of this (annoying) style, so we’ll give it a mulligan. Too bad there wasn’t room for Corey Haim, though.