Viking Night: Real Genius
By Bruce Hall
December 20, 2011
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Second place goes to any movie that is so hilariously zany, so ridiculously over the top that normal rules of critique cannot be applied. The only real point of the thing is to be funny, and if by the end of the movie you’ve got six pack abs from laughing so hard, what is there to bitch about? This would be the deal with Real Genius. Director Martha Coolidge, who gave us the overrated, badly dated Valley Girl, followed up two years later with what remains her greatest contribution to Western civilization. On one level, Real Genius is a thinly veiled, fairly conventional satire of the so-called military industrial complex. War is wrong, weapons are bad, blah blah blah.
Typical Hollywood drivel. But on every other level, Real Genius is a relentlessly hysterical collegiate farce worthy of comparison to the best of the genre - only it involves real geniuses instead of Nerds. Val Kilmer instead of John Belushi. Val Kilmer, you say? That bloated lobster stuffed manatee seen wallowing along the beaches of southern California in a recent set of rather unfortunate tabloid photos? The same. I don’t care what anyone says, Kilmer is an outstanding actor, and one of the best of his generation. But his ample comedic talents have gone untapped for some time and I’m afraid there’s nothing funny about him now.
But in 1985 he was young, hip, and very, very funny. And so was Real Genius.
The Crossbow project is a top secret space laser designed to vaporize a human sized target from low earth orbit - the perfect toy for the CIA, provided they can keep the president from finding out. A cabal of Good Old Boys within the government is hell bent on getting the thing operational, despite the objections of one of their number who seems to have an overdeveloped sense of morality. This man, “George”, is played by Beau Billingslea - no doubt because in 1985 Morgan Freeman was busy playing second fiddle to people like Emilio Estevez. In fact, so much is made of his objection and the potentially ominous consequences that it’s a little surprising we never hear anything about this character ever again. This will be my last complaint with Real Genius.
Aside from the fact it’s immoral and unethical, the problem with Crossbow is that the hyper-advanced laser system is underpowered and has no targeting system. This displeases the CIA, since they need it to drop the hammer on freedom haters around the world sooner rather than later. To this end, they’ve enlisted the help of brilliant physicist Dr Jerry Hathaway (William Atherton). He’s kind of a Carl Sagan type, crossed with that slimy reporter from Die Hard crossed with that slimy EPA agent from Ghostbusters. Which is funny because all three characters (not Sagan, he was real) were played by the same guy. Uncle Sam has bet the house on the good doctor, and isn’t willing to wait until Christmas to unwrap this most perilous of presents.
Sadly, Hathaway has promised the government something he can’t deliver, and has also been siphoning government funds to build himself a posh little country estate. The government runs out of patience, throws down the gauntlet and gives Jerry weeks - not months - to invent a 1.21 Jigawatt Death Ray for the military or he stands to lose his funding AND his house. Needless to say, Jerry is in a little bit of hot water. He’s clearly not quite brilliant enough to design the laser himself, so he does what any good Bond villain would do. He gets himself some henchmen. Enter Mitch Taylor (Gabe Jarret) and Chris Knight (Val Kilmer).
Mitch is a 15-year-old science prodigy who specializes in lasers. His parents are dumber than half a box of rocks covered with gravy but young Mitch has earned himself a full ride at prestigious Pacific Tech college under the tutelage of Dr. Hathaway. He will be working with Chris Knight, a senior and fellow prodigy who happens to be one of the greatest scientific minds in America. He’s also a massive hothead and inveterate womanizer. Think of Nick Rivers from Top Secret crossed with Iceman from Top Gun. If you feel a light bulb going off over your head, it’s because both of those characters were awesome AND played by Val Kilmer. Who is also awesome. Coincidence? I think not.
While Jerry is busy picking out drapes for his house, the kids are supposed to be working on the “laser”. While Chris is busy partying his face off, Mitch is doing just that - much to the chagrin of fellow team mate Kent (Robert Prescott), who fancies himself Jerry’s right hand man. Kent is the token D-Bag necessary to every college comedy. Think Neidermeyer from Animal House. Think Stan Gable from Revenge of the Nerds. Yeah. He’s that guy. Kent is jealous of Chris and Mitch’s superior intellect, and while he can’t get to Chris, he does everything he can to intimidate and humiliate Mitch. It’s an ugly game the kids are playing at Pacific Tech, and while all this is going on, the clock is ticking on Jerry’s death ray.
So by the second act, here’s the score. Jerry is in trouble with the spooks at the Pentagon. His plan to farm out the laser to his unsuspecting students is going haywire because Chris is short timing his last semester, Mitch is cracking under the pressure and Kent is a D-Bag. Jerry is forced to threaten Chris with his diploma, which forces Knight to sympathize with Mitch. Both are brilliant, driven kids who have been used by everyone around them, and robbed of their childhood. Up to now, they’ve been unaware that they were working on a weapon and when they discover they’ve been used yet again, they hatch a brilliantly over the top plan to get their revenge and keep Crossbow from seeing the light of day.
As Terrell Owens would say, “Getcha popcorn ready”.
Mich needs a friend more than he needs a mentor and Jarret - who hasn’t worked much since then - imbues his character with a believable mix of childlike conviction and adolescent angst. Val Kilmer can do contempt for authority in his sleep, but underneath his rebel veneer Chris Knight needs a purpose and Kilmer provides a surprising level of depth to a character that doesn’t necessarily need any. Kent and Jerry are jerks, just as they should be. Special commendations go out to Jonathan Gries as Lazlo, a mysterious graduate student who lives in Chris’ closet. His role is a small one that doesn’t require a master thespian, but you can’t talk about Real Genius without talking about Lazlo. Michele Meyrink is nothing short of delightful as Jordan, a hyperkinetic fellow student who plays Mitch’s love interest.
There’s not much else to say. Real Genius is a well made, well played standard issue “haves” versus “have nots” comedy with a twist. It never stops being funny, hits all the right notes and the visual effects, by the way, are outstanding. It gets lost in the shuffle of similar '80s flicks, perhaps because it’s not as uproarious as Animal House, and less of a hit than Revenge of the Nerds. It is, perhaps, for that reason I feel it my duty to remind the world of Real Genius, and insist that you help me pass the torch to a new generation. As Chris Knight might say, it’s not a choice - it’s a moral imperative.