Trailer Trash: The Three Stooges
By Samuel Hoelker
April 24, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com
The trailer opens mock-seriously, with baby Larry, Curly, and Moe being dropped off on a doorstep of an orphanage. Actually, we’re left to wonder what’s going on until nun Larry David gets poked in the eyes. Cut to present-day, where Curly doesn’t seem to grasp modern technology and makes a fool of himself instead of asking a simple question about the nature of technology. And then Curly sets feminism back 50 years by actually barking like a dog at chesty Sofia Vergara, because what’s acceptable in cartoons always translates well to live-action. Moe then hits Curly and Larry. They then hit each other some more.
Then the Stooges sing gospel music with Jennifer Hudson and don’t notice that a busty nun is busty, despite the fact that 30 seconds earlier in the trailer they literally drooled over Sofia Vergara. A montage follows: the Stooges fall, Curly has dynamite, a guy is hit by a bus, they slam Curly into a door, Curly swims with a fish in his mouth, and more pratfalls than I can type. Curly then has a lobster on his face, which Moe puts down Larry’s pants. He isn’t too pleased. And then no trailer is complete without Snooki, who shows up to be poked in the eyes by Moe.
So based on the trailer itself, one would think that The Three Stooges is a repetitive loop of them hitting each other and running into the cast of Jersey Shore. And I’ll give the trailer that much – it accurately prepares you for what comes. The experience of watching the film, however, made me realize that I find neither of those things particularly funny or relevant. I’m not a big Stooges fan overall – I can handle one sketch or so, and be fine for the next five years – but I never watched 21 Jump Street or saw the first Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie either, but I didn’t need to in order to enjoy 21 Jump Street or DoaWK: Rodrick Rules (seriously, it’s pretty good).
Truthfully, I can’t say I should have expected anything different from The Three Stooges. But there’s just so much missed opportunity – without even trying to, the Farrelly brothers bit off more than they could chew. Playing it straight, the film could have been four or five barely-connected vignettes of the Stooges not able to perform simple tasks or whatever plot archetype they usually have. Playing it completely off-the-wall, they could use the Stooges as pop-culture commentary, expressing how comedy has shifted throughout the years, and having the Stooges go through ridiculous plot occurrences. What we get instead is the Stooges, in the modern day, causing destruction in our world. While it’s all cartoony violence, when it ventures into Jersey Shore territory, it shows us that not only are simple, repetitive pratfalls outdated, but so are the Farrellys. When Moe is cast on Jersey Shore, the joke is that Jersey Shore is not a very good television show. And this film hasn’t been sitting on the shelf for three years; isn’t that already out of everybody’s system?
What’s also bothersome about The Three Stooges is that these characters are simply representations of characters, performed poorly. In a short film, characters need to be one-note. In a feature-length film, not so much. And it’s not that I’m expecting much more from Larry, Moe, and Curly than them being Larry, Moe, and Curly. None of the actors go past their “be fat and go ‘woop-woop-woop’” characterizations. They, and the screenplay, are so stuck in being true to these characters that haven’t aged very well to begin with that in modern cinema, it’s really not enough.
I’ll admit it – I laughed three times in The Three Stooges. They’re decently-created gags that end up working. For a movie that’s supposed to be a non-stop barrage of laughs, that’s terrible. I’m not sure what the excellent supporting cast was thinking when they signed on. Either they owed the Farrellys a favor or the paycheck was gigantic (or they’re gluttons for embarrassment – look no further than Brian Doyle-Murray having his armpit hairs plucked out. Also, there are no fewer than five jokes about pulling out body hair).
The worst part – the absolute worst damn part – comes after the film. Peter and Bobby Farrelly come on-screen for a Marge Simpson-style disclaimer. And I’m even more inclined to send my kids to bed early for a Treehouse of Horror than worry about them pulling out people’s body hair. Watchdogs Pete and Bob tell us that, in fact, they weren’t actually hitting each other. The weapons were rubber and they used many sound effects to make it seem painful. And it’s not a joke. It could have been a joke – maybe even a funny one – in a different movie; not one so far removed from, well, trying. The Farrellys haven’t had a good track record in the past 15 years, and especially in the last few, they’ve been abysmal. This (I’m sure) media-pressured warning shows just how far down they have gone in the past 20 years (from, in my opinion, not a very high point at that).
Oh, I haven’t mentioned the baby pee yet! There’s lots of baby pee.
Overall, unless your taste in slapstick is somehow even more forgiving than mine, you’ll regret seeing The Three Stooges. Not-Sean Penn, Not-Benicio Del Toro, and Not-Jim Carrey can’t pull it off, the Farrellys can’t pull it off, and even Larry David can’t save it. I may even go as far as to say that this Three Stooges movie is worse than Jersey Shore, which it hates so very much.