Top Chef Recap
By David Mumpower
December 4, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Sara is aware of the problem at the start of the episode. She informs Shirley that “I’m starting to think I’m a gooch.” Is that one of the muppets? A movie theater candy? No, a gooch is bad luck and Sara believes that her presence has cost her teams in every challenge thus far. Sara, that’s not bad luck inasmuch as a performance issue. She does announce the following: “I don’t like to be in the middle. I hate to be on the bottom.” Taken out of context, this statement may be the filthiest thing ever said on Top Chef.
The other noteworthy aspect of the first scene regards Patty. While the chef may have been voted out by the judges and then eliminated by Janine in Last Chance Kitchen, the news is not all dreary. Her peers note that Patty has only been cooking professionally for three years. Dayam! Anybody that green in the kitchen who lasts this long in the competition is destined for greatness as a chef. Keep your head up, Patty. Also, maybe try crying less.
The Quickfire challenge features the star of stars in New Orleans, Dr. John. Malcolm John "Mac" Rebennack, Jr. is a 73-year-old musician who has a doctorate in boogie woogie blues. He also has a real (albeit honorary) doctorate from Tulane in the field of Fine Arts. Dr. John is a multi-time Grammy Award winner whose ascension was prophesied by Miles Davis’ 1957 release, The Birth of Cool. Dr. John is cool like Fonzie. Yes, like everyone else in the south, I’m a fan.
The challenge requires the chefs to create their own hot sauce. There is occasional interference from Dr. John, who behaves like a talking doll. Occasionally, the nattily dressed artist (Did you know that crimson and silver pinstripes match? Neither did I.) comes out of his hypnotic state to say things like, “I know y’all gonna do a hip maneuver.” The man has one demand for the challenge: the hot sauces must feature “hip tang”. Dr. John has made a career of stringing random words together so I cannot argue with his mercurial blend of genius/madness. It sure is fun to watch him try to relate to the youth of today, too.
Even though many of the chefs have never crafted a hot sauce before, the challenge proves to be remarkably easy. I guess that’s why the condiments aisle at my grocery store is overflowing with hot sauces. Dr. John is a discriminating connoisseur of the magic fluids, though. Anyone who fails to achieve the appropriate level of hip tang is informed that they will never be at one with the blues. Honestly, the hysterical portion of the segment involves Padma Lakshmi thriving in a rare situation where she can be the straight man to his charismatic musings on life and food. After one incoherent review, she clarifies for the contestant that “I think that means he likes it.” Padma speaks jive.
Since I know you are all wondering, the following people lack hip tang: Nicholas, Carrie and Nina. Nicholas failed because his sauce was weak. Carrie and Nina went the other way. Carrie’s sauce was “Trinidad-ily, over the edge hot” while Nina’s flavor was “head-slamming, over the top hot.” Clearly, Dr. John is cool; ergo, he cannot handle his sauces too hot.
Whose tang is hippest? Brian is applauded for crafting a flavor that is “verily hip.” And that isn’t just Dr. John talking! Padma quickly confirms the verily hip-ness of the dish. I’m guessing Padma laughed all week after her encounter with Dr. John. New Orleans local Justin is also complimented for clipping Dr. John’s wings. That’s an act of war in Heaven or any movie about birds but Dr. John plays by different rules than the seraph/avian crowd. Carlos is the other choice because he hit a lot of the musician’s corners. Dr. John is a masochist. To wit, Brian is chosen as the winner because he hit Dr. John the hardest (his words, not mine). Congratulations on your first win, Brian! Know that you have kicked a septuagenarian’s ass.
Now is the time for the Elimination challenge. Hey, you know that time during a movie where the crazy guy starts screaming, “Die, pig, die!” This round is a lot like that. There is one giant pig (think Chief Wiggum-sized) to be shared by all the remaining players. They will each craft a dish in this manner. In Cajun country, this sort of meal is called a boucherie, and a couple of real Cajun chefs, Toby Rodriguez and Donald Link, arrive to guide them through the process. Spoilers: the meal goes well. I mean historically well. Tom later describes the dishes as the strongest batch in the history of Top Chef.
What is the first part of the boucherie? Eleven chefs wage war over ingredients. Nobody gets too grabby, but Sara does irritate others by performing something I have never seen before. She backseat carves while Nick carves the pig. I really like Sara but she is extremely pushy. Nick runs into another issue when Nina announces her intention to cook pig’s head, his intended choice as well. That’s like deciding to play a round of golf only to discover that Tiger Woods, Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer comprise the rest of your foursome for the day.
Oddly, Nick is not the player who quarrels with Nina, though. During meal preparations, Justin nurtures his grill in a precise way. The reason is because the pork he is preparing needs a low heat. He also requires a great deal of room for his work space. After Justin has everything set up, Nina starts to claim her space in that area. As Nick states, he spent time building the fire for his grill and nobody helped. The instant it was ready, Brian and Nina both horned in on his area.
Nick defensively protects his workspace, which is reasonable. He requests that the pressure cookers be removed from his grill area. Nina’s reply is odd. “That’s me. I’ll take it off. Relax.” And everything would be fine if she stopped there. Nina is not one to leave a thought unspoken, though. “Suck a dick, man! Straight up!” There are other comments she adds that get bleeped out. An aspect of Nina’s coming from royalty (of a sort) is that she experiences Hulk-rage whenever she does not get her way. She also clearly has issues with penis envy. That’s like the third comment along those lines this season, and we’re only halfway through Top Chef 11.
Stephanie has other concerns. There is an alligator nearby. She does not believe that the “makeshift bamboo fence” provides the architecture required to prevent a headline of “Reality show contestants maimed by gator!” Stephanie seems hypnotized by its presence right up until the point that the beast makes a sudden move vaguely in her direction. At this point, she flees in terror, not demonstrating anything resembling valor or, for that matter, pride. On the plus side, her hair looks lovely during the monologue. Does lovely hair make the gator more or less likely to devour her?
Many of the problems during the cooking phase involve external issues. The chefs are outside with onlookers observing their every move. What the people cannot tell is that the grills are not heating evenly. Brian cleverly checks to determine how quickly his dish is cooking. This is his saving grace as it would have burned otherwise. He recognizes that the thermometer is wrong and adjusts. Justin is less fortunate. Despite his attempts to control the temperature, he still winds up burning his dish by his standards.
The guests do not care. The boucherie unites them as a people, and the cast of Top Chef affords the proceedings a rare opportunity for haute cuisine to be introduced. Even the ordinarily hypercritical Tom Colicchio notes ahead of time that “the food looks amazing." What everyone quickly deduces is that the casting this season provides a multi-cultural blend of dishes. Most countries in the world feature specialty dishes involving pig. Several cast members have inherited these cultural nuances from their families. The dishes are not only novel for this part of the world but also memorable.
Not coincidentally, the people who prepare non-American dishes do better. Carlos presents pozole verde with fried chorizo tacos. Apropos of nothing, Tom announces, “This is delicious.” We all know the rules of Top Chef by now. If Tom says something is delicious, that person is finishing in the top group and has a strong chance of winning.
Shirley presents something she describes as a celebratory dish to her people. It is a jiaozi dumpling with pork, grilled kidney & crispy pork fat salad. Some of the guests celebrate it for an arcane reason. Shirley’s dish is the only one with cracklin. The people cannot believe the oversight from the other chefs, but they celebrate Shirley’s downhome spin on Asian cuisine.
Perhaps the strangest sounding dish this week is presented by Nina. She serves braised pig’s head ragu, which sounds like an Italian spin on a dish from Lord of the Flies. There is also roasted corn & mustard greens. The effect is that the plate appears to be undulating so much that worms want to flee the land. To my horror, the judges adore it. Tom again describes a dish as delicious. Padma notes that “every time I taste a new dish, I think this is my favorite.” That’s a good sign for everyone.
With so many chefs hitting grand slams, picking out the stragglers is easy. Stephanie crafted pork brood with braised pork belly & summer vegetable pickle. Apparently, her broth is wonderful but Stephanie herself acknowledges that the dish seems incomplete. She laments that she did not know how to complete the dish and should have been more considerate when choosing her food.
Justin stopped listening to Nina disparage him long enough to present a wood-roasted pork breast taco with pork liver salsa verde. I am prepared to make a joke about him putting Taco Bell out of business right when the guest judge for the day, Donald Link, notes that the dish was dry. The fact that a restaurateur immediately recognizes his mistake is worrisome.
Louis seems to be in the worst trouble. He had a great plan to craft some peppercorn popcorn, and the guests looooove it. Before Tom receives his dish, one of them whispers, “It’s the best one.” Popcorn is such a great populist choice in a situation like this. Unfortunately, Tom’s palette is more refined. Louis provides a plate of slow-grilled pork leg with spring onions, shiitake mushrooms, melted corn & popcorn. Hugh does not understand the components of the dish although he does note that the cooking is impeccable.
Frankly, there is as little mystery to the judges’ opinions in this episode as at any point in recent memory. I cannot even pretend to be shocked when the multicultural dishes of Carlos, Nina and Shirley are lauded as the best at the boucherie. The only surprise occurs when Carlos is announced as the winner. Nina has not emerged victorious in consecutive elimination challenges! She’s human! Nicholas makes a similar joke in the stew room. “Don’t be mad that you lost one, Nina! Let us get one once in a while.”
The bottom group is obviously comprised of Justin, Louis and Stephanie. This announcement is bad news for Louis in that Stephanie and Justin are upper tier competitors. He has been struggling for most of the season, because as I have mentioned previously, he doesn’t seem particularly competitive. That’s far from a personal failing yet it does create issues for people who participate on Top Chef.
The judges go out of their way to stress that none of the dishes were bad. In fact, I would maintain that Carlos’ victory tonight is one of the most impressive in the history of the program. Winning this round is like winning the All-Star Game Home Run Derby in that every opponent excelled. Similarly, losing tonight would suck yet it would be as tolerable as any elimination to date because the person exiting knows that they did quite well. They were simply unfortunate in that they were less great during a week when everything was at the height of their skill.
And the unlucky person in this scenario is Louis, who delivered a good dish in a challenge wherein the rest of the competition delivered great ones. He can exit with his head held high, but that will not be for at least a while longer because Louis unseats Janine to become the defending champion of Last Chance Kitchen. I am not the least bit surprised because he seems like a great chef, simply not a person who is a great fit for this particular format.