Viking Night: Logan's Run
By Bruce Hall
May 27, 2014
BoxOfficeProphets.com
It sounds grim but it’s not, because Logan’s Run takes place in a snowglobe universe where the civilization of an entire planet seems to consist of a few dozen identically dressed extras and a thousand bucks worth of blinking lights. The whole society is a metaphor, so if you can’t accept the premise then you can’t accept the story, which follows the exploits of a 26-year-old man named Logan 6. He’s a member of a police force called the Sandmen, whose job it is to hunt down those who object to the Birthday Murder policy and try to flee. These people are called “runners”, and their last minutes on earth usually involve being mocked, taunted and shot to pieces by the pitiless Sandmen, who treat the whole thing like a highly lethal fraternity prank.
Logan’s partner and best friend is Francis 7 (Richard Jordan), whose more aggressive personality contrasts somewhat with Logan, who is more like a curious puppy than a hardened killer. In fact, as the movie opens, the two are engaged in an expository conversation about the morality of forced population control, establishing Francis as being the more trusting of authority. Along with an excited throng of gawkers, Logan and Francis attend “Carousel”, which is what these people call their Birthday Murder ritual. In it, those turning 30 are dressed like Mexican wrestlers and shot into the air, where they are publicly disintegrated to the bloodthirsty cheers of the crowd.
Again – it sounds grim but don’t worry, it’s actually kind of amusing.
The party is interrupted when the Sandmen receive a call to chase down a runner. They hunt the man down and dispatch him with extreme prejudice, after which Logan casually appropriates the dead man’s personal effects. Among them is a curious pendant which Logan quickly forgets about. After returning home, Logan unwinds by activating the dialawhore machine in his living room. Oh yeah – if you get lonely, you just dial up someone who wants to do the nasty and they materialize right there in your living room. It’s sort of like Craigslist, only with double the odds of being stabbed to death.
Instead of a serial killer, Logan dials up Jessica 6 (Jenny Agutter) a cute young thing who immediately gives him the cold shoulder and starts talking politics (isn’t that the worst kind of blind date?). She challenges the notion of “renewal”, claiming that people entering the Carousel are simply killed instead. She’s wearing the same pendant as the dead runner, which Logan doesn’t immediately notice because he’s too busy trying to get her out of the clothes she’s barely wearing. Eventually Francis shows up with what appears to be a pair of hookers and a bunch of drugs, so Jessica leaves. Later, when Logan goes to dispose of the runner’s belongings, the city computer confronts him about the pendant.
It’s called an “ankh” and it belongs to an outlaw group dedicated to helping the runners. The computer further explains that their base of operations is a place called Sanctuary. Then, in what has to be one of the biggest dick moves in science fiction history, the machine casually informs Logan that the runners are actually correct – “renewal” is a lie and so is the basis of their entire society. Then it arbitrarily turns Logan’s palm crystal red, four years early. His assignment is to pose as a runner, infiltrate Sanctuary and destroy it. Then, presumably, he can fuck off and die. That’s like finding out you’re adopted AND responsible for the death of Santa Claus all at once. But Logan has no choice but to carry out his mission, since it’s only a matter of time before he’s discovered.
He looks up Jessica, and inquires about Sanctuary. Sadly, this sets in motion a series of events that puts him on the run from not only his own people, but a skeptical band of outlaws who have an axe to grind with the Sandmen. I know – this sounds pretty exciting so far. The only problem is that it reads a whole lot better than it plays out. From about the midpoint of Logan’s Run to the middle of the last act, damn near nothing happens aside from some excruciatingly drawn out exposition and people wandering around what looks like an abandoned water treatment plant. I’m not sure the story payoff is enough to excuse the run time, and the inevitable climactic fistfight isn’t much more thrilling than what you could already see every week on Starsky & Hutch.
Despite its sprawling futuristic cityscapes, sociopolitical pretense and occasionally – sex appeal, Logan’s Run is nothing more than the story of a boy who must pass into manhood by punching things until he wins. Only then can he acquire a hot girlfriend and lead his people to freedom. At best, this 90 minute long Hero’s Tale stretched into an interminably ass-numbing two hours because it believes it has something realistic to say – except it doesn’t.
Peter York pulls his weight in the title role, although that buttery British tenor of his makes Logan sound a whole lot more sophisticated he is. Most of his dialogue involves being incredulous about obvious things, such as trying to figure out what ice is. Jordan does his best to breathe life into Francis, the most important relationship in the movie. As Jessica 6, Agutter is limited primarily to serving as a sex object/damsel in distress, but I guess it’s fair to say she excels in both capacities. She fares better than Farrah Fawcett, whose five minutes of screen time could have been covered by a moderately appealing mannequin.
Logan’s Run won a lot of praise for its visual effects, which is funny because in an effort to look futuristic, much of the film was shot in an empty north Texas shopping mall, dressed up with what looks like some rope light and aluminum foil. I’m sure shopping malls looked impressive back in 1975, when putting JC Penney and Oshman’s under the same roof with Orange Julius seemed like genius. But it’s no place to shoot a movie about the goddamn 23rd century, and the deception is painfully obvious. It’s fitting, though, because Logan’s Run is based on a much more interesting novel by the same name, whose more complex themes were discarded in favor of the four act space opera/rejected Star Trek episode that is the finished film. Visually and thematically, Logan’s Run tries to pull a fast one and falls short.
I wish I could find something good to say, but I really can’t. This is a movie I enjoyed a lot when I was a kid, but at that time in my life I can’t say I had anything resembling standards. I wore parachute pants, considered pixie sticks and root beer to be a delicacy and would have sold my family to the Russians for a pair of those stupid Carrera sunglasses. Still, the basic premise of Logan’s Run is rich with possibility, and it’s a franchise I wouldn’t mind seeing rebooted.
Let’s...just stay out of Michael Bay’s head when we do.