Viking Night: Three Kings
By Bruce Hall
July 29, 2014
BoxOfficeProphets.com
One of them is Major Archie Gates (Clooney), a ridiculously dashing Army Ranger who is having a crisis of conscience regarding his current assignment. The Gulf War, as we’re reminded here, was the first war waged almost entirely on basic cable. Keeping the media (and therefore the public) happy is something the military took very seriously. So, the Major is assigned to serve as personal escort to investigative reporter Adrianna Cruz (Nora Dunn), a woman so bitterly abrasive it’s hard to tell if she’s even any good at her job. That’s probably why Archie spends his free time filling the gaps in investigative reporter Cathy Daitch (Greer), Adrianna’s younger and more… physically accommodating rival.
Meanwhile, Sergeant Mark Wahlberg (because that’s the only character he plays) and his unit literally pull a treasure map out of someone’s ass during an already unpleasant day of processing Iraqi POWs. This leaves Wahlberg and bumbling cohorts Conrad Vig, (Spike Jonze) and Staff Sergeant Elgin (Ice Cube) haphazardly attempting to decode the map when Gates walks in on them. He’s tired of spoon feeding the press and wants in on the “Iraqi ass map” he’s heard so much about. He believes the map to pinpoint a massive stash of gold bullion, rumored to be part of Saddam’s illegal war booty. With the cease fire in effect and the memory of their recent total ass-kicking fresh in mind, the Iraqi army would not hinder them should they choose to steal this gold.
It’s never completely clear how they were going to get all this bling out of the country, but what we CAN see is the fact that this crack team of Treasure Extraction Specialists is anything but.
The gang is essentially Marky Mark, a country bumpkin, a Staff Sergeant who talks a lot of shit but does what he’s told anyway, and a dangerously disillusioned Army Ranger who wants to go AWOL in search of a mythical stash of Iraqi Ass Gold. So of course nothing goes wrong and they all live long, uneventful lives after opening a Coyote Ugly Saloon in South Beach. Just kidding. As these meatheads traverse the Iraqi desert, the growing civil and humanitarian crisis around them makes it very hard to be a pimp. And their greed, when held up against the suffering around them, gives their actions an uncomfortable flavor that’s clearly meant to make you consider Gulf Wars: Episode One on a larger level.
It’s pretty obvious that the writers behind Three Kings (John Ridley and director David O. Russell) have a beef with the way the war ended, and even the film’s visual palette sports a gritty, high contrast look that’s as harsh and smirking as the dialogue. At times, I felt like I was being personally accused of encouraging a sectarian uprising and then doing nothing to help organize or support it. Not wanting to commit to another Vietnam, once all that precious Kuwaiti oil was safe America went back to drinking Crystal Pepsi and watching Seinfeld, or whatever the primitive culture of the early ‘90s did with their time. Shame on us!
I’m certainly not here to debate the merit of this argument. Although I should point out we just ended up having to go back again later and do what we should have done in the first place at much greater cost, and then made the exact same mistake we did the first time and now an army of hooded militants straight out of an Indiana Jones movie is taking over the country. But whether you’re too old to buy any of it or too young to care, it really isn’t necessary to view Three Kings as a political satire. Almost every character in this film requires some level of absolution, and their journey is intriguing, if still somehow incomplete.
Archie in particular begins the film frustrated with being unable to help the resistance, but his convictions feel hollow in light of his actions. It would have been nice to know a little bit more about why he is who he is. It seems like the kind of guy who’s bitter about his job because he’s not really as good as he thinks he is. Clooney IS however, and while he doesn’t exactly stretch himself here (think Danny Ocean: The Early years), he proves his ability to carry more thoughtful material. And he probably saves himself (and us) from another string of bad rom-coms, until he finally ended up on Lifetime playing a paraplegic radio DJ who has to help Janeane Garofalo come to terms with losing her eyesight.
So whatever you think of Episode One, Episode Two, or anything else, those with an appreciation of dark humor, irony, brotherhood and friendship, and even quality cinema in general should find Three Kings a surprisingly welcome distraction. It’s got a good sense of humor, a unique look and feel, an appealing cast and - for those who need it - a political subtext that’s sadly still relevant. There’s just one extended, preachy scene that feels like it’s missing Alan Alda and because it’s the ‘90s, only a couple of gimmicky early shots that look like they belong in a Whitesnake video. Most of all, Clooney did enough here to make us forgive the Bat-Nipples and finally commit, as a society, to throw all our money and women at him. I think you’ll agree society is a better place because of it.