Viking Night: The Octagon
By Bruce Hall
December 3, 2014
BoxOfficeProphets.com
That's because as far as I can tell, he personally killed every last terrorist on earth in The Octagon. That’s right - Chuck Norris simultaneously invented and WON the War on Terror, way back in 1980. And these weren’t just any terrorists, they were terrorist ninjas. Or depending on your perspective, ninja terrorists. I know they sound like the same thing, but believe me, there’s a big difference. Terrorist ninjas are terrorists who are looking to consolidate their wardrobe, so they decide to become ninja. Ninja terrorists are (I assume) ninjas who would like to kill Chuck Norris but know that this would take at least 200 men, so they set up a terrorist training camp and put an ad in the paper.
So far, this sounds pretty cool. “Ninja terrorist” sounds like the most awesome Halloween costume ever, next to “zombie werewolf” or “terminator vampire”. But sadly, it’s easier to screw up a ninja film than you think, and it mainly has to do with trying to introduce a plot instead of just putting 30 guys in black pajamas in a room with Chuck Norris and letting him kick their heads through a basketball hoop.
It all starts when a Canadian diplomat and his family are murdered by what looks like the Symbionese Liberation Army...for some reason. This catches the attention of karate champion Scott James (Norris), but only briefly. This is because the shooters are merely terrorists, rather than terrorist ninjas, or even ninja terrorists. But while attending a dance recital with his friend AJ (Art Hindle), Scott becomes enamored with one dancer in particular - not because she’s attractive and limber, but because she use a couple of kung fu moves in her routine. He immediately picks her up and takes her out to dinner, where they spend more time discussing terrorists than is normal for a first date.
After dinner they head back to her place where she is promptly killed by ninja terrorists (NOT terrorist ninjas), who are in turn slaughtered by a series of increasingly sweet-ass roundhouse kicks.
Curious about the pile of dead ninjas he just created, Scott visits his friend McCarn (Lee Van Cleef), who happens to be a grizzled mercenary with extensive knowledge on both ninjas and terrorists. McCarn loves killing people but he hates terrorists, and doesn’t believe ninjas even exist. Unable to uncover any leads, Scott heads home, and comes upon a beautiful woman with giant ‘80s hair stranded with her car on the side of the road. When he stops to help, she is - I’m sure by coincidence - also attacked by terrorists who happen to not be ninjas in any way. After questioning her, Scott learns her name is Justine (Karen Carlson) and that the ninja terrorist in charge of the terrorist ninjas is a man named Seikura (Tadashi Yamashita), who happens to be Scott’s adopted brother.
Are you following this? I’m not.
Obviously, Scott can no longer sit on the sidelines while ninja terrorists take over America, so he sets about trying to track down the ninja training camp and confront his brother. The hunt leads Scott to several restaurants, a couple of hotels, a secluded ranch and the back room of a fur shop. These are not the kinds of places one usually imagines Chuck Norris killing people, which is a significant problem for The Octagon. Another is that the plot is really hard to follow. I’m still not sure why the Canadian guy was killed, nor am I sure why a bunch of Japanese guys are hiring yokels off the street to go to ninja school in the south California desert. According to Justine, the terrorists are trying to kill her because they dislike the editorial policies of the newspaper she runs. I don’t know about you, but when I imagine ninjas I tend not to think of disgruntled dudes in black masks shaking their fists at the latest issue of USA Today.
The Octagon is a confusing, slow moving film with too many characters and interminable stretches of time when Chuck Norris is not destroying anyone at all. The acting is uniformly terrible - with the possible exception of Van Cleef, but since he’s the Bad Guy from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, his Viking Night Free Lifetime Pass is in full effect here. On the upside, The Octagon attempts to forego the mind numbing chunks of expository dialog that would normally be used to illustrate the protagonist’s thoughts. The downside is that it’s done via voiceover, with Norris whispering in the background like the disembodied voice of your dead grandfather.
It makes Harrison Ford’s voice over from the theatrical version of Blade Runner seem completely appropriate by comparison.
And why is the movie called The Octagon? Because the ninjas train in an eight sided arena that is only shown once in the movie and never mentioned by name in the script. I would give this film among the lowest possible grades of any Viking Night column so far except for one thing - and I apologize if this is a spoiler - Chuck Norris spends the third act of the movie killing almost everyone NOT named Chuck Norris. And even this is tempered by some occasionally questionable choreography and the obviously fake weapons with bits of foil peeling off the edges. Somewhere there is a 10th grade production of Pirates of Penzance missing a lot of props.
I like to imagine they're the real heroes. I like to think that when the chips were down, the system failed and the government was powerless to help, the brave students of Chuck F. Norris high school in Los Angeles California stepped up to the plate and helped their namesake defend freedom. Whether it be ninja terrorists, terrorist ninjas, or regular terrorists who hang out with Ninjas, I believe we can do it again. And when it’s over, and every terrorist on earth is again in the ground where they belong, they can carve Chuck Norris into the side of Mount Everest. And they can hold the dedication ceremony on the newly renamed Chuck Norris International Space station. It’s the least we can do, for the man we continually ask to spin kick us out of one terrorist infestation after another.