Viking Night: Weird Science
By Bruce Hall
April 14, 2015
BoxOfficeProphets.com

This is... quite the publicity shot.
I find it difficult to be objective about Weird Science. It's basically the story of a pair of horny teenagers who attempt to create a smoking hot love slave through the magic of 1980s digital technology. The experiment succeeds in insanely unpredictable ways, and they learn a valuable lesson about blah blah blah Kelly LeBrock. I guess there’s no point in trying to disguise the fact that Weird Science is a self indulgent, run of the mill adolescent sex fantasy with a handful of gimmicks that make it more memorable than it probably should be. It takes a few occasional, disinterested jabs at savvy before giving up and going for the low hanging fruit - just like an actual teenager.

And that’s okay. When it came out I happened to be a horny teenager myself - with an interest in computers AND impossibly hot British supermodels. My standards at that age were incredibly low - so believe me, I could relate. Give me a pair of adorable slobs to root for, some prehistoric CGI, Bill Paxton, a pair of exotic european sportscars, and Kelly LeBrock in a leotard. In my sugar-addled pre-adult mind, it might as well have been The Godfather. I may not have even required popcorn for such a thing. Smash cut to today; I can still appreciate Weird Science as the absurdity it is, but the adult in me has to work pretty hard not to wince at some really unfortunate things.

Here’s a plus - it starts out well. Some say the first three pages of a screenplay set up the whole thing, and if you listen carefully, Anthony Michael Hall tells you everything you need to know while coming uncomfortably close to touching himself on camera. Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) and Gary (the aforementioned Mr. Hall) are a pair of relentlessly uptight geeks somewhere in the middle of junior high. Their hobbies include math, science, and standing outside the women’s gym class ogling their classmates. They’re particularly interested in Hilly and Deb (Judie Aronson and Suzanne Snyder), a pair of moderately attractive young things who - like all the other girls - couldn’t be less interested.

Gary delivers an impassioned soliloquy regarding his dream of throwing the Mother of all Parties, inviting all their classmates, regaling everyone with awesomeness and then, in time, getting it on with Hilly and Deb. And that’s when Tony Stark pulls Gary's pants down (that would be Robert Downey - sans Junior - as the boys’ nemesis), and the astonishing reality of Gary and Wyatt’s incompetence AND impotence is made abundantly clear. These guys are hopeless schlubs, desperately in need of someone to show them how to unleash the musky studs that no doubt lurk inside those wiry, hairless little bodies. This is a story that could easily have been told using an eccentric Asian gentleman with an inexplicable surplus of car wax, or with werewolf basketball powers. It doesn't really matter, just as long as there's a montage involved.

Surprise! There is.

Later that night, while watching The Bride of Frankenstein on late night TV, Gary notes that like many wealthy suburban teens at the time, Wyatt has an astonishingly expensive PC in his room collecting dust. Inspired by the movie they just watched, the boys put two and two together and decide that the computer is just the ticket for putting together the woman of their dreams. So, using the very latest in Radio Shack technology, they hack into the Pentagon mainframe and...computers...computers...build themselves a girl. Because they’re teenage boys and it’s 1985, they endow their creation with Einstein's brain, Bo Derek’s body, and David Lee Roth's standards of modestly. Cue montage, and the next thing you know...computers...computers...Steven Segal's future ex wife is standing there in her underwear.

I should pause here and point out that Weird Science quickly falls victim to various ideological pitfalls that very few high school comedies encountered back then. Corruption of minors, sexual molestation, driving under the influence, armed assault...and that’s just for starters. The film walks a fine line on some of these things more than others, but more than once you'll find yourself looking at LeBrock, then looking at messrs Michael-Hall and Mitchell-Smith and thinking: "Wait...how old is everyone again? Eww."

I’m just putting it out there.

From the moment she appears, through the best-left-unexplained magic of home computers, Lisa - as they name her - makes it her life’s mission to expose the boys to as much debauchery as she can. Her magic computer-powers enable her to conjure them fancy clothes and cars out of thin air. And apparently, she has some sort of control over the elemental forces of matter, as well as an aptitude for mind control, depending on the needs of the story. At first, she’s up for just the kind of fun a pair of nutty teenage boys might think they want. But like a lot of kids, once it’s there for the taking, Gary and Wyatt get cold feet. Rather than become seduced by the ability to have whatever they want whenever they want it, the boys, more than ever, just want to be accepted by their friends.

Lisa, of course, does her best to help them overcome their various social deficiencies, mainly through things like sexual intimidation and kidnapping.

Eventually, she arranges a wild John Hughes style house party at Wyatt's sprawling, John Hughes style suburban palace in order to win the boys favor with their shallow, backstabbing John Hughes style classmates. It's a good move, too. As a former teenage boy myself I can confirm that sex, drugs, rock and roll, chips, dip, chains and whips are precisely what motivated me at that age. But to their credit, the boys remain uncomfortable with their celebrity status, and long simply to be accepted. It’s all somehow endearing AND infuriating - when Kelly LeBrock walks out of your bathroom in her underwear and gives you the keys to a brand new Porsche and the power to destroy your enemies, that is definitely NOT the time to start questioning your resolve.

Still, when the boys finally actually meet Hilly and Deb - the two girls they had their eye on at the beginning of the film when they were first attacked by Iron Man - both their true natures, as well as Lisa’s finally becomes clear. For most of the film it’s hard to get a grip on the protagonists, but ultimately the heroes and the zeroes make themselves easy to see. Which reminds me - Bill Paxton steals every scene he’s in as Wyatt's sociopathic older brother. With their parents out of town, Chet arrives home from college ready to lay a beatdown on everyone he sees. Between him and Mr. Downey, Gary and Wyatt frequently find themselves on the receiving end of extortion, atomic wedgies, errant gas station beverages and general public humiliation.

So at this point in my life I find myself looking at Weird Science through two sets of eyes. The kid in me sees a wildly insane buddy comedy about two loveable dopes who use a PC to conjure up a sexually attractive version of Mary Poppins who likes guns, wild parties and fast cars. Maybe she even teaches them a little about life. I don't really care. I'm all in. And then there's the adult part of me that believes for best results, the cutoff for getting it on with someone a decade younger than you is 35. That's the part of me that watches Weird Science sees a grown woman becoming a registered sex offender, but in the most vaguely-creepy-yet-moderately-amusing way I can possibly think of. This is far from being John Hughes' best work, but I admit I have a soft spot for it that can never completely be hardened. Not by the passage of time; not even by Kelly LeBrock.