Viking Night: Dude, Where's My Car?
By Bruce Hall
April 28, 2015
BoxOfficeProphets.com
If I sound harsh, it’s only because you can’t say hateful things on Twitter any more.
But let’s not think about Punk’d. Let’s not think about What Happens in Vegas. And for the love of God, let’s not think about Two and a Half Men. Let us instead hearken back to that golden age of yesteryear, when thousands of unsuspecting knobs went to see Dude, Where’s My Car? - specifically because That Guy Who Plays Kelso was in it. I would say that I’m not ashamed to admit being one of those knobs, but I don’t think that’s me talking. It’s mostly the drunken rush of power I get from having a weekly column where I get to talk about feeding Ashton Kutcher to alligators.
But I don’t want to squander my credibility this early in the article. Normally I wait until the last paragraph to do that. At this point, I just want to say that I kind of like Dude, Where’s My Car. I like it in the same way I like Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, for instance. It’s not a great movie, and it’s certainly anything but a work of art. It’s acutely self aware of its stupidity, and it harbors no grand illusions about anything. In fact, it’s not really “about anything” other than a couple of lovable dimwits doing lovable dimwitted things for 90 minutes and completely getting away with all of it. This isn’t the kind of movie that makes you “think” - in fact, you’ll be punished for even attempting to use your brain.
But don’t we need movies like that? Isn’t that what we need sometimes? Why else drink Pepsi, or eat funnel cake, or follow minor league baseball? Sometimes, emptiness is just the ticket.
And today’s Journey into the Abyss begins with Jesse Montgomery (Kutcher) and Chester Greenburg (Seann William Scott), two hard partying slackers who wake up the morning after an epic party, unable to remember anything about the previous night. Within five minutes they discover the following things. They are in big trouble with their girlfriends (Jennifer Garner, someone who kind of looks like Jennifer Garner), whose picturesque home was destroyed during the festivities. There is a fat guy camping out in the living room closet. They’re about to lose their jobs as pizza delivery boys because they keep eating the pizza instead of delivering it. The kitchen is filled with pudding.
And of course, forming the basis of the entire movie - Jesse’s car is missing.
Retracing their steps (which really is the best way to find something you’ve lost, so in a sense one might consider this an educational film), the pals discover themselves to be the toast of the town. Jesse made it to second base with Christie Boner (Kristy Swanson), the hottest girl in town. Christy happens to be dating Tommy (Charlie O'Connell), the face-punchingest jock in town. Feel free to consider Tommy Antagonist #1. Rounding out the list of potential frenemies are a bizarre UFO cult led by a super friendly guy named Zoltan (Hal Sparks), a group of five super hot Bond girls in catsuits (Mitzi Martin, et al), and a pair of Eurotrash drifters who look like they wandered off an Abercrombie & Fitch shoot (Christian Middelthon, David W. Bannick). j
Most of these people are under the impression that Jesse and Chester are in possession of something called the Continuum Transfunctioner. Whether or not this is true, I wish it to be known that “Continuum Transfunctioner” remains at the top of my list of awesomely named movie bullshit tech, just above “Flux Capacitor” and “Oscillation Overthruster.” The Transfunctioner is a mysterious plot device of great power that if not found, will destroy the universe. The reason why is never made clear but at this point, the boys are also being stalked by an aggressive transgender stripper looking for a suitcase full of money. The Continuum Transfunctioner is really the least unusual part of this story.
No doubt you've probably already heard a wide variety of adjectives used to describe Dude, Where's My Car? “Stupid, moronic and pointless” are examples I managed to collect from people who actually LIKE it. Its very true that for all the things going on here, very little is actually happening aside from a bunch of random idiots running around southern California, tripping over one obvious sight gag or uneasy stereotype after another. For God's sake - Fabio has a cameo. And (assuming you even know who that is) yes - it's awkward. A member of the Star Trek cast plays a character from Top Secret who keeps Andy Dick in an ostrich pen. And why?
Why the hell not?
Dude, Where's My Car? is brought to you by the man whose later claim to fame would be Harold and Kumar's trip to White Castle. And therein lies my original point. Yes, this is an idiotic, aimless story with no real plot and no genuinely compelling characters. Yes, it looks like it was shot on a Sunday night sitcom budget. But damned if I don’t like it anyway. It makes me laugh - less because it’s truly funny but because it’s so relentlessly, unabashedly absurd. This isn’t cutting edge humor by any means; it’s not even the kind of deceptively clever humor you’d find in an Airplane movie. It’s the kind of humor you’d get if you let a room full of ninth graders pass around a joint for 30 minutes, wrote down everything they said and filmed it all in one take.
Dude, Where's My Car? sets the bar very, very low, and then just barely clears it. This is the kind of movie best enjoyed when you’ve had the worst day of your life, and you feel like quitting your job, buying a crossbow, moving to the forest and becoming a bearded avenger, defending the land against mankind’s ever encroaching urban sprawl. A much better, less government stand-off inducing solution is to blow off some steam by popping in the most inoffensively stupid comedy you can find, cracking open a beer, and chucking inanely at two hours of fart jokes. Judge me if you want. Spin kick me down an elevator shaft full of alligators if you want. Just make sure I’ve got a copy of Dude, Where’s My Car? - and somehow, some way, Ashton 1.0 and I will get by.