Viking Night: Time Bandits
By Bruce Hall
May 19, 2016
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Of course not. You’re screwed. But childhood should be a time of joy, and an important part of that is getting to see people just like yourself making a difference. Being relatable. Setting a good example. Battling pirates and aliens...right? It’s critical to our development that we grow up believing anything is possible, so that when we’re old enough to realize how untrue that is, we’ll be mentally prepared for it. Or, that’s my theory, anyway.
I always skewed from the demographic somewhat. I remember watching ET in the theater with my father, and thinking about how unrealistic it was. Not because the main character was an alien, but because those government agents had any trouble whatsoever neutralizing those kids. In real life the town and everyone in it would have vanished from the face of the earth. And that alien would be spending the rest of his life in a bunch of mason jars underneath the Bethesda Naval Hospital.
I read a lot of dark things as a child, okay? This is probably why I was - and still am - a big fan of Terry Gilliam’s Time Bandits. It’s one of his few films I could describe as “totally okay for kids”, while still maintaining the trademark Gilliam Edge. It also boasts a story that concerns two of my favorite things: time travel, and...nomadic peoples who take things that do not belong to them.
Or, if you prefer, Time Bandits.
The story revolves around a boy named Kevin (Craig Warnock), who looks like he might be a fifth grader. His parents are boring, abrasive people who spend all of their free time decomposing in front of the television. Their son is fascinated with history books, droning constantly about one fact or another, while his parents attempt to drown him out with one insipid game show or another. On the last normal night of his life, Kevin is awakened by a knight on horseback, which disappears through bis bedroom wall. Then, six dwarves appear, each dressed like something out of a very tiny Jules Verne novel. They claim they’re being pursued for a valuable map they’re carrying, and beg the boy for help.
I’m not sure what kind of help they were looking for from someone still years away from seeing his first boob. Nonetheless, when the Giant Floating Head that was chasing the dwarves appears and starts shouting obnoxious threats, Kevin follows his new companions them through a mysterious portal. They land in 17th Century Europe, which was, coincidentally, in the process of Napoleon (Ian Holm) ripping it a new one. Probably not the safest place to land, but they make do by getting the Little General himself drunk, robbing him blind in the process. Later/earlier, in Medieval Britain, they are in turn relieved of their haul by a really super friendly Robin Hood (John Cleese).
And at each turn, they are again pursued by Shouty McShoutface.
Eventually Kevin grows disillusioned with his fellow travellers. Randall (David Rappaport), their charismatic leader, confesses that he and his team actually work for the Supreme Being (Ralph Richardson), repairing imperfections in the universe called “time holes”. Their work involves the use of a special Map, which they happen to have just stolen from a certain Almighty Employer. The goal is to use the map to become fabulously wealthy, and then...I don’t know...maybe to live in a house made of ice cream? Randall doesn’t seem like a long-term-planning kind of guy. All this unfettered greed unsettles Kevin, who is all about using the Map to acquire knowledge and enlightenment.
This is, ironically, more or less the same rift that exists between Kevin and his parents - and it informs the film as a whole. At its core, Time Bandits is a fairly simple story about a curious child with a strong moral compass, who strives to avoid the (according to Gilliam) materialistic, anti-intellectual trappings of modern society. The search for self is a never ending journey, but it starts in earnest during childhood. Time Bandits is then, a boy‘s coming of age - albeit through a crucible of good versus evil versus Bandit. And you won't be surprised to hear that Kevin’s decency comes in handy when the Supreme Being’s opposite number gets involved. These characters are never explicitly called “God” or “Satan’, but that’s clearly what they are, and their conflict boils down to who thinks they can do a better job running the universe.
Which brings us to David Warner. As much as I enjoy Time Bandits, and as much as I love Terry Gilliam’s weirdly composed wide angle shots, his bizarre characters and dark humor, David Warner as Evil is the best thing about this film. Hands down. No question. Do not pass go, and do not collect $200. There are no official merchandising tie-ins for Time Bandits, but if anyone wants to invent a David Warner “Evil” action figure that I can put on my shelf next to David Warner “Sark” from Tron, you will have completed my childhood.
You know how to reach me.
Anyway, it comes to Evil’s attention that the Map has been stolen, and he aims to get his hands on it by any means necessary. Evil is portrayed as a jealous, impulsive, downright bitch of a man, and his opening monologue is one of the absolute best things ever put to film. His goal is nothing less than to usurp the Supreme Being, but that’s of course far less important than whether or not Kevin can convince his covetous cohorts to help him fight back. The story is simple allegory; despite an attempt to be more than what it is, Time Bandits is simply about a sweet kid trying to get everyone around him not to be less of a douchebag. That’s a heavy burden for any child, but I’ll let you guess whether or not Kevin is up to it.
Notable guest stars not yet mentioned include former Python Michael Palin and Shelley Duvall as a lovestruck couple and their descendants, who run into the Bandits at various points throughout history. Sean Connery, meanwhile, gives us a pretty good idea of what King Agamemnon might have sounded like had he been Scottish. While the late David Rappaport nails his part as the disarming head Bandit, his crew includes some of the best known “little people” working in film at the time. While Rappaport gets most of the lines, there are no fewer than three future Ewoks and R2D2 himself - Kenny Baker - among the Bandits. There’s such a sense a joy and wonder to Time Bandits that you almost forget about the cynical bastard behind the lens.
But, I guess you could say that about most of Gilliam’s work. He’s one of my personal favorite directors, and despite his reputation, I believe history will remember him fondly when he’s gone. Time Bandits is Gilliam’s first commercially successful film, and one of his best loved. More important, it’s probably the only one you can truly share with your own children. Soften the blow of getting older with Time Bandits so when they’re older, you can move on to The Adventures of Baron von Munchausen, or The Fisher King. I recommend you save Brazil for after they get their first job, and Twelve Monkeys for when they’re old enough to vote.
Start slowly. The world will take their dreams away soon enough.