Viking Night: The Children of the Corn
By Bruce Hall
October 12, 2016
BoxOfficeProphets.com
It’s not that there aren’t enough movies in the world to keep me busy until the end of time. It’s just that not every film I could technically write about is something I’m willing to sit through. If I were a betting man, I’d say you’re never going to see Jurassic Shark or Transmorphers here, although Sharknado is still up for debate. I’m sure you’d probably love to read it, but when the only credit I can give a movie is that I wish I’d thought of the title, it doesn’t make for much of an article.
No, there has to be something more there, even if the movie is bad. There needs to be something that distinguishes it from its crappy brethren and makes it worth remembering. I hate it when I finish watching a movie and kind of wish I’d had a colonoscopy instead, and so should you. Maybe one day when my life is perfect, my enemies defeated and my bills are all paid, I will have time for Metalstorm - the Destruction of Jared-Syn. Until that day, I will just…probably go ahead and make that the name of my new band.
So when a Friend of the Column suggested Children of the Corn, I realized I’d been given a gift. Does this film have a title that would make awesome album cover art? Yes. Is this film based on the work of beloved author (and I’m sure one day to be revealed ritual serial killer) Stephen King? Absolutely. Does it star Sarah Connor herself, Linda Hamilton, and a bunch of other people? And does she sing in this movie? Yes, she does. Come with me if you want to live, because Linda Hamilton is a terrible singer.
But yes. The answer to all of those things is “yes.”
But being a Stephen King story, Children of the Corn is more than just a metal sounding title. It is also the story of tormented young couple in a small town surrounded by creepy children. The story takes place in the small Nebraska town of Gatlin, where everyone under the age of 18 has suddenly gone on a rampage, killing off all the adults in one fell swoop. The Horde is commanded by a creepy 12-year-old named Isaac (John Franklin) and his sidekick, a bloodthirsty Ginger named Malachai (Courtney Gains).
Isaac is surprisingly intimidating for a pre-teen. He dresses like he manages the Cotton Club and speaks like a dime store Hannibal Lechter. Malachai is a ginormous meathead who’s good at beating people up on command, and little else. Together, they turn the town into a snow globe of xenophobia where dancing and games and fun are out, while scowling and stabbing and bible verses are in. They’ve set up their own little kiddie cult; one that’s hostile to out-of-towners, specifically the adult kind.
Into this mess stumbles a young couple named Burt and Vicky (bet that’ll look good on a wedding cake), who are passing through on their way to Seattle. Burt (Peter Horton) is a highly motivated medical intern and aspiring doctor. Vicky (Linda Hamilton) is a thoughtful and considerate partner who sighs passive-aggressively when she wants to pressure Burt into committing to a long term relationship right in the middle of the biggest professional transition of his budding career. As we meet them, Burt seems like kind of a jerk and Vicky needs a valium.
While consulting their map and laughing about how much they hate corn, Burt accidentally runs down a child who darts out of the fields into the car’s path. It becomes clear they have a mystery on their hands, as the child appears to have been viciously slashed with a knife. He would have died anyway, which is of little comfort to the horrified young couple. But, hey - at least they have something else to talk about besides their relationship. They collect the body and a suitcase he was carrying, and head into town to find a phone.
They stop at a service station outside Gatlin, where they’re warned off by the crotchety old owner, who specifically tells them that the townspeople are religious fanatics who don’t like outsiders. That seems like a good tip, and Bruce is more than happy to comply. But through an unfortunate combination of GPS not having been invented yet and Evil Corn (more on that later), Bruce and Vicky end up driving their blood spattered car straight into Jonestown anyway.
They happen to arrive in right about the time Isaac starts preaching specifically about a man and a woman – a pair of “outsiders” – who would soon roll into town. Per Isaac’s instructions these “unbelievers” are to be “brutally murdered” as “sacrifices to God” when they arrive. Yes, you can see where this is going pretty early on. There’s nothing subtle about Children of the Corn, and just about every major plot development is telegraphed early on. If you can’t tell exactly how this movie is going to end by the halfway mark, I suggest you take paint chips out of your diet.
So if it seems like events have conspired specifically to draw Burt and Vicky to Gatlin, you wouldn’t be far off. Something stupendously evil is going on in Gatlin, but involves more than just Isaac and Malachi, the Lord of the Flies vibe hanging in the air, or the endless rows of murder-corn that surround the town. There’s something bigger behind Isaac. He’s well spoken and clearly spent a lot of time reading the Bible, but he’s not acting on his own ideas. And whatever power is motivating him is the same thing that’s behind the living hell our bland, bickering young couple are about to experience.
Once in Gatlin, they find the town to be deserted aside from one or two kids who explicitly tell them what has happened, but because kids are dumb, Bruce and Vicky don’t realize the danger they’re in until it’s too late. The mystery isn’t really in whether or not Burt and Vicky are going to get into trouble, because of course they are. They’re in a Stephen King movie, trapped in a small town full of creepy kids whose sole source of entertainment is painting the walls red with the blood of adults. We KNOW what’s coming. No, the mystery is in what the hell is up with young Isaac and the mysterious forces that seem to do his bidding?
And, will we ever get to see that “Congratulations Burt and Vicky” wedding cake that I predict will look so bad?
Obviously I can’t tell you that, but I CAN tell you that Children of the Corn is one of those “could have been solved with a cell phone movies,” so for that reason alone I guess it only holds up so well. The whole reason Burt and Vicky end up driving 50 miles out of their way is because they needed to use the damn phone. Even for 1984, so many contrivances are required to place them in Gatlin that it’s hard not to feel like the story wastes at least 15 minutes of runtime pointlessly delaying the inevitable.
The film is also partly narrated by one of the kids (can’t say which one), and while it does provide useful insight into the plot, it’s also kind of distracting. The narrative only applies to one of the story threads, so it picks up and drops out seemingly at random, making you feel like you’re watching more than one film. It also doesn’t help that the child narrating sounds to be about six or seven, and that really wears on you after a while. The performances overall are adequate, I suppose. Both Hamilton and Horton are of average acting ability, so they seem neither challenged nor embarrassed by this material.
The only real standout is Franklin, who is thoroughly disturbing as Isaac. As I said earlier, it’s unnerving to hear a kid that age spouting off Bible verses with the complete confidence of a seasoned demagogue.
For the record, Children of the Corn is directed by Fritz Kiersch. If that means nothing to you, then suffice it to say that the only thing wrong with his work is the same thing that’s wrong with most Stephen King film adaptations. The direction, acting, writing - even the damned music and sound editing – are some combination of tepid, uninspired, and/or inordinately conventional. This isn’t a great film, and whether or not it’s even “good” is something I guess you could argue, if you had enough time and you were Kiersch’s mom or something.
Otherwise, I’d say that this is an utterly pedestrian movie that wouldn’t necessarily ruin your life if you were laid up with a broken leg and this was somehow the only thing on TV. If that sounds like faint praise, remember - this is a Stephen King adaptation. That’s a very long list that tops out at The Shawshank Redemption and hits rock bottom with Maximum Overdrive. Children of the Corn is closer to the bottom than to the top, but it’s nowhere near as bad as it could have been.
Let’s call it a damn sight better than Jurassic Shark, but considerably less fun than Sharknado.