Viking Night: Samurai Cop
By Bruce Hall
August 16, 2017
BoxOfficeProphets.com
I couldn’t have imagined I’d have such a hard time making it through a film that wasn’t a documentary about genocide, a brain surgeon’s video diary, or made by the Wachowskis. But I made it, nonetheless, so that I could chronicle my travails and deliver them to you. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the soul-crushing afternoon when I got the bright idea to watch Samurai Cop.
Consider that the highlight of this review.
The “story” (I’m not even sure I can legally call it that) revolves around rival Los Angeles gangs, locked in an epic battle for supremacy of the city’s cocaine trade (but no cocaine appears in this film at any time). The gangs are ostensibly Japanese and Chinese, but there don’t seem to have been enough Asian actors to go around. Most of the people on both sides are random not-Asian people. The Japanese gang are called the Katana, because that is a Japanese word. The Chinese gang has no name, because all five of them are murdered by the Japanese about four minutes into the film.
The head of the Katana is a man named Fujiyama, because that’s another Japanese word.
Fujiyama’s aide Yamashita is played by big-headed B-movie legend Robert Z’Dar, who is easily the best actor in the film. That’s relative of course, but with the Chinese out of the way, the Katana are free to run wild over the city. We are told this entirely through exposition; all of it happens off screen. No doubt this too was for budget reasons, but considering what passes for “action” in this movie, it’s a blessing. If your favorite thing is watching out-of-shape extras throw bad stage punches over poorly crafted '80s synth music, then your ship has come in, my friend.
To combat this menace (the Japanese, not the horrible fight choreography), the LAPD brings in Detective Joe Marshall (Matt Hannon). He is known as “The Samurai” because something-something Japan, and...that’s pretty much it. The movie is called “Samurai Cop,” and the lead character is described as being an expert martial artist, marksman, and swordsman. He is fluent in at least two languages. He’s hung like a banana squash (his claim, not mine). We are reminded at every turn to forget the definition of the word “badass,” because the Samurai Cop is going to redefine it. And even those unfamiliar with the craft of storytelling know that if you’re going to tell us about all the cool stuff your hero can do, you’d better eventually follow through.
Well, Samurai Cop defies these conventional barriers by simply.ignoring them. It opens with a fight scene, heavy with all the tension of two infants fighting over a piece of celery. This is followed by a seven minute car chase. And not just any car chase, but one so proudly inept that I was almost forced to applaud out of compassion, the way you would at a fourth grade choir recital. The dialogue is word salad, akin to the way a nine-year-old assumes adults speak when there are no children around. All attempts at humor are either mildly racist, wildly misogynistic, or an impenetrably stupid combination of both.
There’s attempt at sexual tension between Joe and a hospital nurse that can only be described as “the most excruciating 64=5 seconds of my life.”
Samurai Cop clearly takes some inspiration from Lethal Weapon, with Joe and his African-American partner Frank (Mark Frazer) exchanging the kind of racial banter that would be awful years before this appalling script was ever written. Every female character is a walking sex doll whose only desire in life is to please the men around them, either through sex or violence. Of the two main female characters, only one of them even has a first name. This is not a story per se; it’s an adolescent sex and violence fantasy, written by someone with an adolescent’s understanding of both.
Scene after scene drags on pointlessly, hovering on minor plot points that take the story nowhere. The film’s score sounds like it was borrowed from Street Fighter 2. There are so many obvious gaffes - flubbed lines, prop problems - that you’d think would be addressed, but there clearly wasn’t money for it. Another six months of fundraising might have improved this film appreciably, because much of the frustration in watching Samurai Cop comes from the obvious fact that nobody was prepared to make it. Halfway through that lengthy car chase, I found myself pausing to look up random license plate numbers online to see if they were still in use.
But most importantly, at no time did the Samurai Cop do any actual Samurai Copping. Sure, he swings a sword around a couple of times, but I’m not sure why the “Samurai” hook was even necessary. This story is generic enough that they could have called it “Insert Adjective Here Cop”; it would have made no difference. I thought I’d seen terrible films, but I was a fool. I knew nothing. I couldn’t even bother to be offended by all the crass humor and bad jokes, because none of it is even good enough to BE offensive. I felt nothing but pity for the people onscreen, and the fact that this low point in their lives will remain documented forever.
Samurai Cop is a legitimately heinous train wreck. I’d say I regret watching it, but it’s been a long week and I DID need to unload on something. So thanks, Samurai Cop. You have given my angst a voice and for that, I suppose I must thank you.