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3) The Government Has Absolutely No Idea What The Government Is Doing

You would think that if there was a computer that ran the entire government and, in fact, the entire country, that important government officials would know about it. More importantly, if that government had the ability and will to hijack the entire government and, in fact, the entire country for its own nefarious purposes, that anyone in the government would know about it. And yet not only is everyone completely unprepared in the event of this computer going nuts, but they are all completely oblivious to it, meaning that the only person who can save the day is Shia LaBeouf. Oh, and the FBI is also trying to stop Shia LaBeouf from saving the day, because they're pretty certain he's the bad guy. Actually, this doesn't sound so unrealistic.

4) The Michael Bay/John Woo Rule is True: Anything Can Blow Up Anything

"So, how does the computer try to blow up the senate building?"
"With a trumpet."
"Um, that doesn't make sense."

"No, don't worry, the trumpet has special blowing-up-stuff crystals in it."
"Oh, okay then. That clears up all of my concerns."

Does this conversation sound familiar? If it does, then you are one of the producers or writers of Eagle Eye and I'll try and keep the rest of the words in this article under three syllables for you. I had hoped that the complete lack of thought and effort being put into the rest of this movie's plot was all being saved up for a really cool way that the computer would come up with to kill the president. But no, they go with the old standby of blowing-stuff-up crystals shoved inside a trumpet. Talk about a cliché. Am I right, fellas?

5) Shia Labeouf Can Save the World Six Ways to Sunday, but it Won't Make Him a Believable Action Star

Giant super computer taking over the government because of a spat with the president? I can buy that. Giant computer able to control remote-control crane machines? Sure, no problem. Shia LaBeouf as an action star? Sorry, can't take it. No way, no how. The guy is as intimidating as a sneezing baby panda, and he only has two facial expressions: smirking and sulking. Watching him try and jump out of cars is just embarrassing, because you're pretty sure between takes he's whining about getting the wrong flavor of vitamin water and listening to Dashboard Confessional on his iPod. Someone needs to replace him as soon as possible with Bruce Willis, or Matt Damon, or at the very least one of those sneezing baby pandas from those YouTube videos. That would have been the only thing that would have made Eagle Eye a good movie.

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