Things We Learned From Movie X: The 6th Day

By Tom Houseman

August 5, 2009

I secretly hate California and have a plan to do something about it.

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The Government Will Be Powerless to Stop Big Corporations

Now, I know what you're thinking, "I totally knew all that stuff about the XFL. Tell me something I don't know." Well set your minds to blown, because in the future, international corporations will be big. I'm talking God's bread box big. So big, in fact, that the government's only way to stop them from doing whatever they want, like cloning people whenever they feel like or even giving out subprime mortgages like candy (hypothetically) will be to shove their heads into the ground, make ostrich sounds, and pretend they have no idea what's going on. This will allow the massive corporations to completely take over the world. Really, the most surprising thing about this foresight on the part of The 6th Day is that it was made before George Bush took office, at which point this prediction became extremely obvious to anyone who watches the news.

Anti-Science Fundamentalists Will Be Proven to Be the Good Guys

Yes, it's true, what you all suspected: science is evil, and anyone who is trying to stop technology from developing totally has it right. Okay, so the makers of this film try to mask this prediction by pretending to take a fair and balanced approach, most likely to appease the guys who create the special effects - the only thing that make this movie watchable (and by watchable, I mean laughable, because the special effects are awful... and by the only thing I mean one of many, many things) but it is clear that the creative forces behind The 6th Day are trying to warn us that only by embracing intelligent design and destroying every science book not written in Alabama can we save the universe. This movie is the equivalent of those guys who stand on street corners and in the New York City subway system screaming about how the world is going to end if we don't embrace Jesus, only it is much less coherent.




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Women Are Still Bad at Math

Yes, former Harvard President Lawrence Summers had it right when he said that women were bad at math, and it seems like that fact isn't going to change anytime "in the near future." In a scene that really tries its darndest to be powerful and shocking, bad guy Michael Drucker explains to our man Arnold how to tell the difference between an original and a clone. As an example, he turns to his sexy blue-haired sidekick and asks her how many times she's been cloned, to the reply "I've lost count." Ooh, creepy... well, it is until we learn how many times she's actually been cloned: Four. That's right, in the future women can't even count to four. I suspect, however, that she learned to count using the number of stars that reviewers gave The 6th Day, and that this example therefore does not reflect on society as a whole. I guess you'll have to wait to find out, but don't worry, the future will come sooner than you think...


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