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And why should said nearly blind man play Scrooge in a musical version? Why not, I guess? I appreciate that many people see this as a classic; the songs are regarded well, thanks to the composers being Jule Styne and Bob Merrill. Still...Mr. Magoo stars in a special that goes so slowly, it feels like a three-hour epic opera. Even better, Tiny Tim is played by Gerald McBoingBoing. Sigh. Oh, and the characters don't have British accents. None of that accuracy for Mr. Magoo! Although I may be nearly alone on this one, I just can't get behind such a pointless grab for attention and money.

The Cat In The Hat

They just don't learn. Whatever lessons could have been learned from The Grinch were ignored for the 2003 would-be comedy The Cat In The Hat, which puts Mike Myers as the title character, a magical mischief-maker who gets two kids out of the doldrums of a boring day. And what better way to have such a movie than with plenty of inappropriate sex jokes and a cameo from famous kids' entertaininer Paris Hilton? What, you haven't seen this movie? You weren't aware that Paris Hilton actually shows up in this movie? Yeah, I wasn't kidding about that. Nor about the frequent jokes about how hot the kids' mother, Kelly Preston, is. Oh, and let's not forget the jokes at the expense of the kids' narcoleptic Asian babysitter.

Oh, and Mike Myers. 2003 was the beginning of the end for Myers, as he toplined Austin Powers in Goldmember and started ruining his career. The road to The Love Guru began here, as he defiled any good childhood memories of this Dr. Seuss classic. You could argue that the production value is impressive (seeing as Bo Welch, a famed production designer, is the film's helmer, it ought to be), but...Mike Myers as the Cat. Alec Baldwin as a lascivious neighbor. Kelly Preston as the so-called hot mom. Sean Hayes (ergh) in two roles (double ergh). Nothing good can be found here. Jim Carrey made up for The Grinch with Horton Hears A Who, which isn't great, but it's better than either of these films. Mike Myers will doubtfully be so lucky.

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

It's hard to argue that this movie was a bad idea. When you made one of the most successful films of all time, who wouldn't want a sequel? Some of the purists will criticize the liberties taken with the first Michael Crichton novel (let's not forget that in Crichton's book of Jurassic Park, Ian Malcolm dies), but a good movie is a good movie. The first Jurassic Park is arguably one of the best action-adventures of all time. Bringing Jeff Goldblum, as the wisecracking mathematician who may be the only truly sane man on Earth, back is a great idea for The Lost World. Unfortunately, the movie is both harsh and silly. Some of the deaths are harsher than they should be (the nicest person in the movie gets the grossest and most unnecessary end), and the various twists are nuts.

Steven Spielberg had a bit of a dry spell between 1993 and 1999, when he made Schindler's List and Saving Private Ryan, respectively. The Lost World: Jurassic Park was always meant to be a huge success; financially, it started out that way, but with the exception of the frequently funny Goldblum, who doesn't stop mocking everything around him, the movie is just bad. Sure, let's have the dinosaurs attack...San Diego? That's the idea of the climax, and it's as silly as Godzilla attacking Madison Square Garden ended up being. Spielberg is still a great director, but when he makes a mistake, it's painful to watch.

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