New at BOP: Review: Matrix Resurrections Movie Review: Moonfall Movie Reviews: Scream The #1 Movie in America November Forecast The Many Saints of Newark October Forecast New Trivia Question All site updates Share & Save   Tweet Print this column

Also, the problem with the two characters going head-to-head is that the movie’s not just going to be about an alien fighting a predator. That would be awesome. I would genuinely see the movie if there were no pesky humans fiddling around in between the two villains, just waiting to be eaten. There’s no fun to be found if we’re more invested in watching the titular characters massacre a bunch of random humans as opposed to fight each other, and only each other. We could easily lump the Freddy vs. Jason film in here, as well, but at least the movies in the respective series are meant to just be those guys killing random teenagers. I’m not saying that kind of movie would interest me at any time (it wouldn’t, obviously), but at least I would assume the horny teenagers would get axed or sliced. Alien vs. Predator is a different beast, or should have been.


Battleship

I know, I shouldn’t judge this movie yet. There have been plenty of iffy ideas through the pipelines of Hollywood. Before it came out, I would have been first to say that a movie based on the theme park ride known as Pirates of the Caribbean, from Jerry Bruckheimer, was about the dumbest idea I’d ever heard. So, Battleship could be awesome. Unfortunately, we’re dealing with a good-bad scenario. It’s a movie based on the board game Battleship; that’s bad. It’s directed by Peter Berg; that’s good. The main character will apparently be battling aliens; that’s bad. The main character is played by Friday Night Lights’ Taylor Kitsch; that’s good. His co-star is Tom Arnold; that’s bad. And on and on it goes. The point is simple: some things shouldn’t be the source material for movies. What’s more, the logline for the movie has nothing to do with the game.

Now, I haven’t played Battleship in years, so I might have missed the new twists, but are aliens part of it? From my memory, I play opposite a human being, not an alien, and it’s about defeating the ships controlled by the human being, not an alien. Then again, I also don’t imagine that my battleships are helmed by Tom Arnold (also known as everyone’s favorite cinematic McHale from McHale’s Navy). I’ll admit that I can’t fully trash the movie, because any movie that places Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights as the lead (I’m also looking at you, Pixar’s John Carter of Mars) is a movie that’s worth considering. But he’s on a battleship fighting aliens. Because that’s how you’d fight aliens in the present-day: on a battleship. At the very most, I’m cautiously skeptical. At the very worst, I’m gagging at this idea.

Marmaduke

If you read the Trailer Hitch column, you may well know my bilious thoughts of this film, coming out in June (I’m not going to tell you when in June, because I just can’t imagine anyone wanting to see this movie, and I’m not going to help). Based on the comic strip by Brad Anderson (and in case you were wondering, the strip started in 1954 and the man is still making it today) about a wacky Great Dane who gets into crazy mix-ups, this film stars Owen Wilson as the title dog, George Lopez as his feline friend, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas as Marmaduke’s love interest, Kiefer Sutherland as a doggie antagonist, and, according to the trailer, a dance scene. A dance scene with tons of computer-generated dogs. I would tell you what song they dance to, but I’m still trying to stop the bleeding from my eyes and ears to check.

Continued:       1       2       3