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Also unfortunate was the absence of Robert Englund, who prior to the update had been in every Nightmare on Elm Street film. (Yes, even Freddy vs. Jason). Halloween and Friday can get away with this sort of thing because their villains hide behind masks (and, relatedly, don’t speak). Nightmare, however, carries the burden of featuring a baddie who not only has a face, but is a Chatty Cathy, too.

Anyway, Jackie Earle Haley played Freddy way too stiffly. Like Gail Simmons, who’s not really hosting Top Chef: Just Desserts but is merely acting out her idea of one, Jackie wasn’t a horror villain (nay, an icon) by any means in Nightmare. Instead he was, again, playing the idea. Much of what may have creeped audiences out about the movie – if anything at all – was probably based on their respective history with Freddy, and Jackie playing catch up to replicate those experiences.

Friday the 13th

I think the driving point for me with Friday the 13th is that I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as I did. I went in with really no expectations at all. I hadn’t seen a Friday film in awhile – Freddy vs. Jason, Jason X… can you blame me? – and maybe that sort of thing worked in my favor.

I liked that in the update Jason realizes he can get from point A to point B a hell of a lot faster by running. He’s a slick dude, really, and a lot more agile than I remember him being. Basically, he isn’t that familiar, painfully slow beast, but a pretty terrifying villain who sprints through the woods welding a sharp machete. Kinda like how zombies nowadays don’t take their time in approaching their next victims. They scurry around like idiots.

Jason’s playthings – the characters – are fairly interchangeable, so there’s really no use in digging into their personalities and motivations. I think the movie’s low point is the lack of foresight into its supposed protagonists. They’re the typical good guys of a horror movie: Twenty-somethings who drink and sex each other whenever they can – even when one of their own is in the woods in the first place to look for a missing sibling.

Halloween

Maybe too many allusions to Halloween at the beginning of this column gave away what would be my favorite of the remakes. Yet biases aside, Rob Zombie’s Halloween is the best of the updates. I think the leading reason for this is in Zombie’s supposed intention on re-creating the experience of a Halloween movie, but with a twist.

The role of Dr. Loomis, a character who plays a predominant role in most of the movies in the franchise, went to Malcolm McDowell, who knocked it out of the park. It would have been way easy for casting to insert some nobody in the fold and then be all like “Look, people! The new Halloween movie has Loomis!” But lo, that didn’t happen.

McDowell truly was an inspired choice, and was masterful in his delivery as Michael’s arch nemesis. It’s no mystery that the late Donald Pleasence, who played Loomis in five Halloween features, would have respected Malcolm’s performance. (Or, performances, as Malcolm stuck around for Halloween II, which was released two years later).

Also of note, and a particular favorite of mine, was the casting of Danielle Harris as Laurie Strode’s friend, Annie Brackett. Harris, of course, played Laurie Strode’s daughter (and, well, Michael’s niece) in Halloween 4 and 5, and is probably best known for ending Halloween 4 on a chilling note when she stabs a woman in the eyes with scissors – like Michael did to his sister. Now, all grown up, the then-30-year-old Danielle played a convincing high schooler.

I don’t think it was the Weinsteins or anything who insisted that Harris nab a role in the film. Instead, I think it was all Zombie, who re-imagined Halloween because he wanted to. He knew Halloween devotees would appreciate talent like Harris back in the fold. And it didn’t feel contrived in the way that Jamie Lee Curtis would have.

Anyway, Halloween the film is grisly and, a friend of mine put it best, relentless. It isn’t so much entertaining as it is brutal. Of the three, it seemed to be the most well intentioned, as much of it early on is devoted to Michael’s experiences as a lad and how he became a monster. Zombie’s reimagining, actually, introduces a central person in Michael’s life – his mother – as a supporting character.

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