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I’m not trying to be a Grinch; I love Christmas and the Christmas season despite all of the complaints of commercialism we hear more and more about with each passing year. It’s not that I dismiss these complaints - no, they’re pretty accurate - but I think of Christmas the same way that I think about something like Star Wars. As I age, I see the cracks in the façade, but they made such strong impressions on me as a child that they are somewhat synonymous in the very fabric of my being with childhood joy, and I do all I can to accept them, warts and all, as I did when I was a child, if only to recapture for a moment that elusive sense of childhood enthusiasm that we adults so covet.

Okay, having said that, I’ve come to realize this year that one of the great spokespersons for Christmas, Santa Claus, is in fact not the Jolly ol’ elf that the famous poem describes, but rather a big ol’ douche. Deconstructing the Santa Claus myth is nothing new. Comedians have been doing it for as long as they’ve been making fun of air travel, but nevertheless, I’m a little upset with Santa this year, so I’m going to share my ire with you right now.

The most glaring problem with the big jerk is his hypocrisy. He claims to only give presents to nice little boys and girls, not naughty ones. There are so many problems with this I hardly know where to begin. First of all, there’s the issue of standards. Who’s to say what’s naughty and nice? This fat dude at the North Pole? He hangs out there all year with a bunch of elves, reindeer and his wife and presumes to judge our children who live in the actual society at large? He really doesn’t understand the issues and pressures of the real world. Oh, sure he has deadlines…one a year. That’s his stress level. Meanwhile, he holds out on a kid who cried once or twice? Who pouted? I guess expression of emotion is naughty in Santa’s little isolated world. How can someone who’s never lived in our cities and suburbs really be a fair advocate for child delinquency?

For that matter, it’s not like Santa’s so high and mighty. The dude breaks and enters millions upon millions of homes every year. And then, for someone who holds himself to be such an altruistic figure, he demands offerings of milk and cookies. That doesn’t sound like a gift to me - that sounds like a threat. Besides, it’s not like he needs the calories. I know he has his magic that gets his fat ass down chimneys everywhere, but when you think of the billions upon billions of empty calories the guy ingests every Christmas Eve, and this isn’t even taking into consideration his usual diet of candy canes and egg nog, he’d probably be better off foregoing the Oreos. I’m not judging him for his extra baggage, he might have a thyroid thing or something, but gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. That’s all I’m saying.

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