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The day you have long dreaded is at hand, Earthling pop culture media consumers. We, Kang & Kodos, have returned from a relaxing trip to the Planet of the Dirty Tentacle Manipulators and are now ready to consume your life forces.

We had been planning to do this for a while now, but the presence of an intergalactic police force has prevented us from doing so previously. The thieves stole some of our skin droppings and melded the oozing substance into rings that give them powers beyond your understanding. Fortunately, they are distracted by a movie that is about to bomb, so this is the perfect time for us to strike.

Before we devour your humanity, we will take this opportunity to discuss the popular Earth movies of your solar month, June. Consider this our consolation gift for the imminent destruction of your species.

1) Transformers: Dark of the Moon

This title reveals how little Earthlidiots understand their own universe. Your orbital planet-slave is not dark at all. You are simply pointing your sunbeams the wrong direction. This has allowed an intergalactic criminal to reside hidden in solitude. We blame those incompetent green-thieving cops for the felon’s ability to vacation right beside a well-traveled alien resort destination such as Earth. You have seen Men in Black. You know how many beings from other planets live among you. Why is this allowed? And do you know what would stop the moon from being dark? A giant green lantern pointed at it. Bunch of Oan idiots can’t do anything right. We need to absorb their life forces as well. It’s for the good of the galaxy.

As for the former residents of Cybertron, we can hardly blame them for escaping that planet. It was just a bunch of cubes and rectangles. Nobody wants their dwelling to involve so much geometry. We the people of Rigel VII choose to live a life without protractors.

As for the Autobots and Decepticons, those idiots have been fighting for Millennia yet nobody ever wins. It’s like watching Batman and The Joker have the same fight for 800,000 consecutive issues. There is a reason why Cybertron was scheduled for demolition by a Vogon Fleet. If the choice is Optimus Prime lecturing Megatron for the zillionth time or a hyperspace bypass, which would you choose?

Also, even our people 73 quadrillion light years away know that Michael Bay sucks. Why you Humanitards continue to frequent his films escapes even the dullest slugworms of Dumbtopia.


2) Cars 2

Humans use automobiles to navigate the distance between two points? Do you not realize how much more efficient it is to slap a bubble windshield over your non-tentacled areas and grav-lift yourself to the destination? What about spacecrafts? How have you not yet crafted one that will travel light years in the blink of an ocular gigantor? We, Kang & Kodos, are beginning to suspect that this Homer Simpson is in fact the smartest one of your species…and he is yellow and fictional.

Go see Cars 2, fools. Watch Mater tip over cow-like automotive devices in foreign countries. Waste your intellects while enabling Larry the Cable Guy to grow so rich that he may purchase Rigel VII HBO, the finest HBO in the known multiverse.

Our Real Sex episodes show the whole tentacle.

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