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I know, I’m really giving a movie like this a lot of credit by subjecting it to such analysis. But as I implied earlier, for some reason I was obsessed with this train wreck during my pre-teen years. Part of it was the fact that when you’re that age, fart jokes are still funny and ice cream is one of the four major food groups. But there were legitimate reasons, too. The film does have beloved television icon Robert Urich, best known for playing nice guys who always do the right thing. There are not qualities widely held within the pirate community. Plus, Urich was a niche actor and has nowhere near the gravitas to pull off a big screen leading role. Mary Crosby, best remembered as the answer to the question “Who Shot J.R.?” appears as Princess Karina. Because you can’t have a Space Pirate movie without a Space Princess. Duh. I actually consider this one of her more notable roles, since she tends to dominate the screen when she’s on and she emotes better than Meryl Streep did in Sophie’s Choice. I guess you can’t say Mary Crosby isn’t a professional.

As I mentioned, another notable cast members is Ron Perlman, who by 1984 had already nailed the charming, beefy rogue he will surely play for the rest of his career. Anjelica Huston is on board as a mannish but disturbingly hot she-pirate who looks like an '80s aerobics instructor gone homicidal. Believe it or not, she won her first Academy Award the very next year. No, seriously. I’m not joking. That’s a ‘69 Mets kind of turnaround. That’s all great, but it isn’t material to the quality of the film, which is exceptionally low. Sadly, what little joy one can derive from a movie like this is nostalgic, and remember what I said about nostalgia? I wasn’t remembering a film that I loved, I was simply enjoying what it once felt like to be intellectually susceptible to a “knock-knock” joke.

And that’s the film’s other primary flaw. The Ice Pirates has a sense of humor that only CAN appeal to an 11-year old boy. It thinks it’s funnier than it is, and it clearly believes dragging something unfunny out a few minutes will eventually MAKE it funny. Cross Star Wars with a high school stage production of Pirates of Penzance and a Rocky Horror Picture Show casting call. Then take away all the money, wit, charm and cleverness. Add the musical score to a late '70s Saturday morning cartoon and you’ve got The Ice Pirates. But I don’t want to be relentlessly negative, and I don’t want to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth for a whole week. So I’ll say that the movie DOES have a certain...small....quirky appeal. I can’t say that I’ve ever seen Space Pirates, kung fu robots, Ron Perlman in a scarf, a Space Herpes, a headless hermaphrodite and Space Amazons in the same movie. Yes, Space Amazons. With Space-Whips. On killer Space Unicorns. If there’s not an Oscar for that, there SHOULD be.

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