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If Vernon is a composite, John Bender (Judd Nelson, clearly well into his twenties) is a straight up stereotype. Specifically, School Bully #4 with Red Bandanna. Bender acts out against the world in destructive ways that ultimately damage only himself. He dresses like a cross between a lumberjack and a cab driver. He loves the sound of his own voice, and he uses it to get under your skin, whether he likes you or not - and chances are, not. His goal is to start an argument with you so that he can surreptitiously whine about his own disillusion. And it’s all because he hates his dad. And his name is Bender, because...you know, he “bends” the rules. Yes, the entire movie is equal parts compelling and obvious. But let’s continue.

Andrew Clark (Emilio Estevez) doubles as both the Clean Cut Overachiever and The Jock. Andy is handsome, charming and fit - just like his haircut. He eats his vegetables, says his prayers and he always sticks up for the little guy. You’d love for him to date your daughter, except that Andrew’s Dad lives vicariously through his son’s athletic career, meaning the boy isn’t entirely well adjusted. He’s in detention for taping a guy’s ass cheeks together in gym class, which is a pretty lame stunt for a guy that supposedly knows Judo. Still, having grown up in Texas I’m well acquainted with meatheads who are programmed to win one for Daddy. It’s very sad, but very true.

Claire (Molly Ringwald) is The Princess, or “bitch”, as it is sometimes pronounced. When she’s introduced, she’s sitting in the front seat of a climate controlled BMW, squirming in her calfskin boots as she bemoans the injustice of detention. Her father offers to buy her a pony but she scowls, gives him the back and stalks into the school, leaving a trail of frosty footprints behind her. I’m also well acquainted with the Spoiled Rich Girl who floats when she walks and eats hand rolled sushi for lunch out of little Japanese bowls with ebony chopsticks in her hands and a disinterested sneer on her lips. If this were a slasher flick, she would die right after the black guy. But this isn’t a slasher flick, so she doesn’t die - she just keeps on bitching. Also, there are no minorities in this movie. At all.

Brian Johnson (Anthony Michael Hall) is The Brain. I suspect he would have been called “The Nerd”, but Revenge of the Nerds came out the year before, so no dice there. Brian is soft spoken and meek, but very intelligent, well read and involved in all the major academic clubs. He dresses like Bill Gates, mutters like an Asperger’s patient and probably spends his free time trying to build Kelly LeBrock out of spare computer parts in his bedroom. Allison Reynolds (Ally Sheedy) is the “Basket Case”, or what they might have called “Goth” if this movie had been made five years later. She’s introverted, stand offish, and dresses the way Natalie Merchant would if she sang for The Cure. She’s also artistic, emotionally complex and comparatively well adjusted - so of course her primary purpose seems to be to show us how wrong it is not to dress like everyone else.

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