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Frank opens the package, and what are the odds it turns out to be a beautiful young Asian girl with pouty lips, pert breasts, and a tiny little pear shaped ass? Wow. Just....wow. The last time I got a flat, the only thing I found in the trunk was the jack to a different car and a hole where the spare used to be. But then, I’m not Jason Freaking Statham, am I? Anyway, the girl turns out to be named Lai Kwai (Shu Qi), and she has a secret to hide and a story to tell. And Wall Street...well, he’s just all 31 flavors of psycho. Frank finds himself in the middle of a massive international web of lies, murder and intrigue. It will take all of his guts, nerve, and mad ass-kicking skills to survive. He’ll need the help of his frenemy Inspector Tarconi, and he’ll have to overcome his mistrustful instincts and let down his guard around Lai Kwai if he wants his life back. Good thing she’s a beautiful young Asian girl with pouty lips, pert breasts and a tiny little pear shaped ass.

Yeah. There’s no question how all this is going to turn out. If you’re a movie buff, and you’re thinking this movie sounds like it involved Luc Besson, Louis Leterrier and Pierre Morel, you’re correct. If you don’t happen to know what I’m talking about, don’t worry. What I mean is that where the typical 1980s style One Man Army flick played out like a live action cartoon, The Transporter is essentially a 90 minute video game. The narrative is necessarily thin, but engaging. The characters are two dimensional, yet sufficiently entertaining - provided the movie doesn’t pause long enough for you to wonder about them.

The prologue, where Frank carries out the bank job, is akin to the opening level of most first person shooters where the game teaches you how it’s played. From then on, it’s one level after another, one boss battle after another. And like Call of Duty, all Frank has to do is duck behind cover for a minute or two to regain his health, no matter how badly he’s been beaten. This is in no way an indictment of the film - quite the contrary. For a first person shooter to be successful, you need several things:


1. A goal sufficiently noble to justify killing people indiscriminately. Check.
2. A hero who is a badass, but still human enough to love. Check.
3. A slick musical score. Check.
4. Badass button combinations that allow the hero to physically do things that nobody can really do. Check.
5. A fast paced story that only slows down long enough for someone to fall in love with the hero, or the hero to fall in love with himself.

And believe me, it doesn’t hurt if every weapon in the movie is loaded with tracer rounds. The Transporter is absurd, it’s over the top, it’s comical and at times just plain ridiculous. But the people behind it simply know how to make it look good, and how to make you want to keep watching. And Jason Statham is the perfect 21st Century action stud. You wouldn’t look twice at him walking down the street but he’s got the charisma, stamina, charm and physical skill necessary to make you forget how stupid what you’re seeing really is. And when it’s all over, all you want to do is hit the reset button and play again. But who can blame you?

Jason Statham should be more famous than he already is. He doesn’t need to branch out. He doesn’t need to diversify. He doesn’t need range. He has everything he needs - he is 100% red meat pedal to the medal high resolution single player bad ass. Try not to get in his way but if you do, and it comes down to you or him, consider your neck snapping an honor. Who would you rather get it from? Jake Gyllenhaal? Shia LaBeouf? Ryan Gosling? I think not.

Rule Number Four: Statham is as Statham does.

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