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Previously on The Amazing Race, a participant begged another team not to pass them in order that she could finish in first place. This really happened. Imagine if it were adopted into other sports. The Amazing Race Recapper Daron Aldridge, on vacation at the happiest place on Earth this week (and next), should have asked Kim, “Hey, could your Cardinals go ahead and take this last strike in the ninth inning? You guys have won the World Series like 10 times before; this would be the first one for my Texas Rangers.” Seriously, we wanted to slap a bitch. That’s one of the most egomaniacal actions in the history of reality television. Some other stuff happened and the angry brother/sister team lost, but we don’t care about that. As long as Marcus Pollard and Mrs. Marcus Pollard are still in the race, we’re happy. Everyone else but the Dynamic Dudes sucks, though.

The white sand beaches of Malawi are where we begin this leg of The Amazing Race. As is their wont throughout the competition, the Dynamic Dudes (this reference only makes sense to late 1980s wrestling fans) finished in first place last round, thereby crushing the hopes and dreams of one prima donna named Cindy. That alone is enough to make us like these kids. Then again, if they want to win our eternal devotion, all they have to do is tweet pictures of themselves enjoying all the prizes they won last week to Cindy. We want to drink her tears.

Andy & Tommy open their first clue at 3:12 p.m. They discover they will be journeying to Copenhagen, the capital of Denmark. The destination is a belltower named Vor Frelsers Kirke, which we will call the belltower from this point forward so as to avoid further spelling of Vor Frelsers Kirke. The boys celebrate the fact that they are getting fewer smiles after their fifth win in seven legs; they also demonstrate why they are winning. They note that they have opportunities to find an earlier flight than the 8:20 a.m. that is the intended bunching travel option.

A minute later, Ernie & Cindy begin the episode exactly the way the previous one ended: incessantly bitching. Ernie refers to their loss as “basically first place stolen from us”. If the better competitor winning is an act of thieving, Michael Phelps needs to return a lot of gold medals and head to jail…and not for the marijuana abuse.

Bill & Cathi depart 13 minutes later. Let’s all take this moment to reflect on how much has gone wrong with the race for Bill & Cathi not only to remain in the competition but also to be the middle team out of the remaining five contenders. Hooray for lowered expectations! Seven minutes later, Mr. and Mrs. Marcus Pollard, the only team that matters, head for the airport. Two minutes after them, that jackass Laurence and his unfortunate son Zac are ready to depart. We resent the fact that Laurence is allowed to breathe the same air as Marcus Pollard. Forget stealing first place; this is the real felony in tonight’s episode.

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