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Eventually Conan is given over from servitude into gladiatorial combat, where he quickly learns to kill without pity or remorse. The warrior code he learned as a child serves him well, and he becomes a legendary fighter. He also learns to read and write, paving the way for him to earn his freedom, which he soon does. Unsure where to go or what to do next, Conan stumbles upon the ancient tomb of a fallen king. He appropriates the dead monarch’s magnificent sword and takes it as a sign from the God of Steel. He vows never again to be a slave, and swears vengeance on the men who destroyed his home. This proves easier said than done; tracking down the guy who killed your parents when you were five is hard enough today. But in Barbarian Times there was no Google, and no GPS - both things that can put a serious crimp into the whole revenge process.

So over many months of travel, Conan makes many interesting acquaintances - man eating wolves, powerful female warriors, good natured thieves and a gum chewing crazy sorceress who tells him he is destined to someday be king. The sorceress he has sex with, before throwing her into a fireplace and leaving without breakfast (I get the idea there’s a deleted scene lying around somewhere). The thief (Subotai, played by Gerry Lopez) becomes his right hand man, and the female warrior (Valeria, played by Sandahl Bergman) his girlfriend. Together, they set about looking for the cultists who made Conan’s childhood a living hell. The man they’re looking for goes by the particularly kick ass name of Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones), and is the sadistic leader of a demonic cult. He and his men murder, pillage and destroy at will, filling their coffers with the blood and treasure of all they encounter.

Not an easy man to find, but that’s Barbarian Times for you.

And there you have it. Conan the Barbarian is really a basic basic revenge flick, thick with reverence for film school favorites like Seven Samurai and Alexander Nevsky. But it’s also more than that. Less like Battle Beyond the Stars and more like Flash Gordon, Conan is a contrast of modern style and a long extinct, far more epic way of making films. There’s no question that the De Laurentiis name is synonymous with excessively ambitious big budget epics, and Conan is certainly no exception. But where Flash Gordon and Barbarella successfully captured the tone of their respective material, they utterly failed to make it accessible to the intended audience. This is where Conan shines - so brightly that the idea of remaking it was almost destined to fail.

The reason is that the original film is such a deft exercise in managing expectations. It’s rather hackneyed, simplistic plot is buttressed by its sweeping scope. There is some terrific cinematography here and some very inventive camera work. What appear to be several gross examples of underexposure actually serve to enhance the film’s gritty tone, and therefore seem ingenious. Composer Basil Poledouris provides what is simply one of the finest soundtracks to ever accompany a film. Yes, the man who would later score Robocop and Red Dawn does the very best work of his life in support of a 200 pound weightlifter in a loincloth. Which brings me to the film’s rather unconventional cast.

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