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I haven’t read much Conan, but the movie version seems softer than the literary one. For much of the film, he is motivated only by self preservation and the desire for wealth. He is a simplistic, passive oaf, rather than the brutal but savvy man of action he is in the stories. But Arnold himself is an incredibly strong willed, indomitable man - that, plus his incredible physique made him a natural for the role. You may be amused by his delivery, but there’s no question the Austrian Oak put everything he had into Conan, and it really shows. Similarly, Sandahl Bergman is anything but a natural actress. But she has the swagger, bearing and visible determination to play Valeria, if not quite the acting chops. Gerry Lopez is a professional surfer, and he can’t act to the point where they had to dub his lines. But every hero needs a best friend, and the man known as Mister Pipeline didn’t have to shine here. He just needed to have a few good lines and not steal the spotlight.

Well that, and kill a shitload of people.

They all do, in fact. The film’s violence is what I like to consider quaint by today’s standards. As many times as I’ve seen Conan, I can probably point out every single squib, blood pack, wire and barely hidden harness in the film. Really, the visual effects are all pretty obvious. But at the time, this level of carnage was considered quite shocking and excessive - Conan is a relentless orgy of death and dismemberment - and that alone is its greatest similarity to the source material. This also made the film a winner with the target demographic of horny, bloodthirsty young males. The extravagant visuals, wall to wall action, buckets of blood and countless jiggling breasts made it a profitable venture, popular with teenage boys and a perennial hit on home video.

Conan the Barbarian is a film that accomplishes precisely what it sets out to do, and then it grabs you by the throat and forces you to notice. Most of the major roles are so well cast that the actors don’t even have to try that hard. The sets are fantastic. The cinematography is unforgettable. The score is absolutely stunning. The stunts and fight scenes (while not always well choreographed) are spectacular displays of efficient savagery. My God, if you’re not ready to pick up a rock and kill something by the time the credits roll, there’s something wrong with you, not with the movie. In fact Conan is not a movie, it’s an experience. And it’s one that keeps on giving exponentially right up to the ending, which clearly implies a sequel. But that is a story for another time.

By itself and on its own, Conan the Barbarian is...truly...what is best in life.

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