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In fact, I don't have to guess. I KNOW people like that, and when you see them coming, you cross the street. And the fact that Rob has his Top Five breakups mentally catalogued in such Ted Bundian detail would make Rob a very scary man, were he not played by John Cusack. In fact, change up the lighting a little and add Jodie Foster as an intrepid FBI agent hot on his heels, and you've got a very different movie. And once Rob starts in on his Heartbreak Hit Parade you're really not sure whether to laugh, or put your arms around yourself, involuntarily shivering with mortal fear. Five minutes in, and you're already kind of on Laura's side.

This is because we discover, as we turn the pages of Rob's tortured romantic past, that he's kind of an immature, self absorbed prick who keeps pulling fish out of the pond but throwing them back because when it comes to relationships, catching them is the easy part. Giving them a reason to stay is the tricky stuff, and if you're starting your fourth decade on earth still pining over the girl who jilted you in seventh grade, that's not gonna be an easy thing to pull off.

But at least Rob is a small business owner, so there's room for hope, right? Maybe. What he owns is a record store (Kids: it's like iTunes, except it's not run by Nazis and you can touch the music). Part of the reason is because a true narcissist could never work for anyone but himself. The other is that Rob also a music snob. And like most music snobs he lacks the ability to process emotional states in an adult way, so he relies on the artistic ability of complete strangers to add meaning to his life.

Yeah. I said that.

But at least he's not looking for meaning alone. Rob employs a couple of guys who, in their own way, have the same problem. They think having an opinion is a skill - especially when it comes to being overly critical of people who make music for a living instead of just collecting it. But Barry (Jack Black, when his shtick was still fresh) and Dick (Todd Louiso) are his best friends, and like most guys with rocky pasts and questionable futures, they stick together like badly cooked rice.

Things come to a head as Rob discovers that not only has his girlfriend moved out, but has traded him in! It's a hard thing to see your ex again, once you know they've replaced you. It's sort of like talking to a cop. You should trust them but you don't, because behind that vaguely disinterested expression, you just know they're secretly cataloguing everything you say in order to destroy you with it later. But if you're inclined to feel badly for Rob at this point - and you'd be hard pressed to, because he's really an incredible twit - that changes when we discover the real reason he and Laura didn't work out.

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