Monday Morning Quarterback Part II

By BOP Staff

February 14, 2012

Go Dalmatian!

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Max Braden: It looks like it has the adventure of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, the family friendliness of Spy Kids without the terrible CGI and worse plotting and dialogue, and it has The Rock. I think that appeals to audiences across a fairly large age range, where parents can go without feeling like it's going to be agony, and teens can go to watch The Rock without feeling too much like the little kids sitting next to them.

Tim Briody: I was all set to lump this in with Rocky's Race to Witch Mountain, but that actually made $24.4 million, so there went that idea. Journey 2 is another solid family fueled opening, and while I wish he'd get away from family-friendly stuff and make movies where he's The Rock (YouTube some of his promos from ten years ago), but he seems to have settled into a comfortable rut.

George Lucas hates you. The proof is there if you look for it.

Kim Hollis: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace received the less-than-highly-anticipated 3D treatment this weekend, stealing another $22.5 million for George Lucas's estate. How surprised are you by the sustained gullibility of Star Wars die hards?

Bruce Hall: Not very. Lucas invented the Jedi Mind Trick, but seems to have forgotten never to use it in front of a mirror. Or on people who love you. He is the undisputed master of the Star Wars universe, and that immense power seems to have blinded him to the fact that his own lack of imagination has led the franchise into a profound state of mediocrity. And yet there remains a 30 year old reservoir of goodwill with many fans, whose dependence on the Kool-Aid keeps them in a permanent state of denial. This causes critics like me to be certain things will never improve. For while he is a technical genius, marketing wizard and visual effects pioneer, George Lucas is still a terrible writer and an even worse director. But despite that grim reality, fanboys and cockeyed optimists continue believing that at some point, the magic will return. Maybe they've even deluded themselves into believing it's still there.




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Well, it isn't. The original Star Wars movies (IMO) really weren't very good to begin with, but the best of them was and remains the first one. Warts and all, it is easily the most fun, romantic and fulfilling of the whole lot. And in case you're wondering, I am not saying that entirely in hindsight. I still (mostly) enjoy Empire, but certain Star Wars trademarks - appalling dialogue and massive, gaping plot holes - were just as atrocious to my tiny young mind as they are to me now. Jedi was even worse, and I disliked it in 1983 just as much as I do now (although I concede this didn't stop me from begging my parents for all the toys).

But the primary strength of the original films was their simple stories and distinct characters with clearly defined roles and motives. Luke was an idiot, Han Solo was a jerk (who shot first), and C-3P0 was a pathetic coward, but they were all perfectly lovable, one-dimensional heroes anyway. Darth Vader and Boba Fett were evil, but still wicked cool guys who wore awesome, battery powered outfits. Jabba was a straight up pimp. Hell, even the Millennium Falcon had personality! But what can you say about the convoluted, listless plot behind each of the prequels? Or the dull, lifeless characters that inhabit them? Ewan McGregor did his best but Darth Maul was the only one I found interesting. And he was on screen for five minutes before he - and what remained of my my precious childhood innocence - finally died for good.

Lucas can whine and feel sorry for himself all he wants to - he stripped everything that was good and fun out of Star Wars and replaced it with his own vanity and hubris. Many would argue that these are qualities essential to being a successful director, but an overabundance of them is almost always creatively fatal. I feel solidarity with the fans who criticize him for this, and pity for the ones who keep clinging to the dream. The dream is dead, people. The Rebellion failed. Long live the Empire. All hail Darth Lucas.


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