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There are a few good moments in the film, and overall it is not terrible, but it is definitely way, way too long. There is no reason why this fairly straightforward story needs to be told in three hours, with several dialogue-heavy scenes stretching and dragging long past the point when they are no longer welcome. It is likely that these scenes do not feel too long on the stage (although three hours is excessive even for a stage musical) but because the camera adds a sense of reality to the setting it makes these scenes seem far too long and far too uninteresting. The accepted length on songs in movies is also much shorter than it is on stage, especially when it is a solo with very little action. When Eliza sings “I Could Have Danced All Night” while not doing much of anything, I felt that the song was at least a verse too long. I do not mean to unfairly single out that sequence, though, as every song should have been at least a verse shorter.

But beyond the abysmal failure that is the translation of the story from stage to screen, my main criticism is how blatantly hateful the protagonists are. Henry Higgins might be the most obnoxious, hateful, misogynistic asshole in film history. This guy makes Mark Zuckerberg seem like Ronald McDonald. It was difficult to watch any scene that he was in and resist the urge to punch him in the face through my TV screen. Eliza wasn't much better, also a fairly cloying, selfish character. I also found it hard to take Audrey Hepburn's transformation from street bum to high society lady seriously, considering how atrocious her cockney accent is. When she is finally, miraculously able to lift her accent, it comes off as a person who is obviously wearing a mask suddenly reveals that they have had a real face underneath it the whole time. It's not much of a shock, but it is welcome.

Did It Deserve to Win Best Picture?

Watching My Fair Lady has given me an additional reason to get around to finally rewatching Crash. I have mostly blocked that abhorrent film from my memory ever since walking out half-way through, but of the Best Picture winners that I have seen in their entirety, My Fair Lady is by far the worst. Plenty of Best Picture winners are too long, but none are so plainly unable to fill their time with anything remotely entertaining or interesting. Dances with Wolves had previously been my pick for worst Best Picture winner, but at least that film has cinematic qualities that make it worth watching and some memorable action sequences.

I cannot imagine how anybody, either in 2012 or 1964, can claim that My Fair Lady is a better film than Dr. Strangelove. If you do have an argument to make in favor of the former, please make it in email form, but if you explain it to me in person I will probably punch you in the face. Dr. Strangelove is a masterpiece in terms of story, structure, and style, while My Fair Lady is a cinematic sewage pit. My Fair Lady is not even the best musical nominated for Best Picture in 1964, as it is vastly inferior to the delightful and magical Mary Poppins.

Did My Fair Lady deserve any of the accolades hurled at it by the Academy? I cannot fathom how it won an award for its painfully fake looking sets, but I will admit that the costumes were quite impressive, and certainly deserving of a nomination. In particular, Eliza's dresses are stunningly beautiful and effectively serve as a marker of her transformation. The only performance that is worthy of even consideration for an Academy Award nomination is Stanley Holloway as Eliza's father. Of all of the irritating and unlikeable characters in the film, Holloway is the only one who brings charm and humor to his part, doing the best he can with a fairly one-dimensional role. So out of the 12 nominations and eight wins that My Fair Lady had (more Oscars than either Schindler's List or Patton; For shame, Academy!), I think it deserved two nominations and one win, as well as consideration for the title of least deserving Best Picture winner of all time.

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