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But they don't, and the film's shallow bag of tricks quickly robs it of whatever momentum is left. Once this happens, the biggest weakness of Snakes on a Plane is finally exposed. There are snakes on a plane, and they do kill a lot of people. But since that actually turned out to be kind of boring, I found myself wondering what the hell I was supposed to be rooting for. The only thing we ever find out about Sean is that he digs extreme sports, likes girls, and doesn’t want to die. There's no relative in danger, no daddy issues - not one reason to give a shit about him except that we're told to. Eddie Kim has potential, but don't get used to it. He's a ruthless, bloodthirsty martial arts expert with a flair for costly, overly complicated murder plots. But he's also a regular Houdini, inexplicably disappearing from the story early on, never to be seen again.

No. I'm not suggesting what Snakes on a Plane needed was a deep, layered backstory. But even dumb movies have to give us a reason to support the good guys, or else why are we watching? Sean generally spends his time sitting on his hands, looking constipated. Samuel Jackson stomps around looking a little like a coiled snake himself. But not only is his character even less interesting, he’s kept on a frustratingly short leash. Add to this an AWOL villain, a supporting cast of mostly reptile food, and all that's left is the snakes - and we’ve covered those. There's just not a lot left to like, certainly not enough to make 105 minutes of your life feel like a fair trade.

There are few bright spots. Julianna Margulies really does earn her pay, despite being physically unable to emote in front of a blue screen. David Koechner correctly assumes he's in a comedy and is one of the best things about the film. And boring Samuel Jackson is still Samuel Jackson. He just doesn't have enough to do, and the movie tiptoes so gingerly around a romantic subplot involving him that you wonder if the role wasn't written for a different actor. Fan suggestions led to reshoots, designed to add to the film's appeal. This might sound cool on paper, but any airline can tell you what happens when you let the passengers fly the planes.

Especially if there are snakes on that plane.

The bottom line is that from time to time, Snakes on a Plane is a relatively fun, deliberately excessive disaster/action flick. But you're never compelled to care about what's happening, even in the frivolous way you're meant to. I want to have fun when I watch this but I can't, because it’s essentially just an hour and a half of random, unrelated filler built around an amusing, yet surprisingly dull premise. Snakes on a Plane means well, but you could have a lot more fun in the same amount of time with a six pack and a PlayStation. When Samuel Jackson explains how tired he is of those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane, you can’t help but quietly nod in agreement.

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