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Show me that on paper and I say I can’t wait to see that movie. But instead of a tense action drama, this one plays out like a grim, procedural horror flick. And even that would be okay, if there’d been even one well staged action scene. Russell is more than sufficiently rugged as Plissken, so much so that the character feels wasted here. For an experienced soldier, Snake seems to spend most of his time looking super cool as he wanders aimlessly through one plot contrivance after another. There is no dramatic discovery, and no build up of genuine plot momentum. Escape from New York depends almost entirely on cliche and coincidence to move itself along.

Isaac Hayes is a moderately promising villain who gets less screen time than the opening credits, so we never really find out. Ernest Borgnine and Harry Dean Stanton put minimal effort into supporting roles that exist only to put a face to the film’s far too many apathetic story choices. Stanton is an old friend who conveniently owes Snake a debt, and Borgnine is a congenially insane cab driver, both of whom just kind of show up whenever the story runs out of ways to depict Snake walking around town with his thumb up his ass. Whatever Snake happens to need, someone is always standing around in the vicinity who just happens to know where it is, and it’s always right around the corner.

Look, I realize that sometimes this is a necessary component of storytelling. Where would actions films be if Studd McBadass couldn’t just crawl through an air duct and overhear two guards just happen to be discussing the exact location of the nuclear warhead cancel codes? Sometimes that’s fun, but not when your entire story is built on those moments, Then, it’s just the kind of bullshit you come up with in ninth grade creative writing, where your protagonist is always finding clues lying around out in the open, and every suspect is willing to talk because it’s their JOB to. It’s lazy and stupid, and it makes your hero look lazy and stupid, which makes the movie look lazy and stupid.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that Escape From New York is a great idea, but I think a lot of people like the idea more than they like the actual movie. Snake Plissken makes a great action figure, and Escape From New York is a great concept. But neither the man nor his story is all they’re cracked up to be, and by the end of it you’ll still be waiting for the fun to start, wondering how what you saw could possibly be everything. It’s like a relationship that goes nowhere until you realize you’re just friends, which is okay, but not nearly as okay as what you were looking for.

So what do I think of when I think of New York City? In this case I think of the possibilities; I think about what might have been. And it makes me sad.

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