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Despondent over their impending eviction, the kids head upstairs and start rummaging in the World’s Cleanest Attic, where they discover an old treasure map. There is a local legend about a pirate called One Eyed Willy (you read that right), who vanished somewhere along the coast, taking his Pirate Treasure with him. Remembering that any foreclosure can be stopped with a dump truck full of money, Mikey suggests they take the map, find the treasure and save their town. This makes perfect sense to everyone, because they are children in a movie produced by Steven Spielberg. So they embark on what is, intellectually speaking, a two hour Scooby-Doo episode. The “mystery” of One Eyed Willy becomes so easy for the kids to solve, it’s hard to believe it was still a mystery.

In fact, most of the detective work consists of Mikey literally pulling plot devices out of his back pocket whenever the plot bogs down for more than a few minutes - and it frequently does.

That’s okay, because The Goonies is clearly meant to appeal primarily to children. As I’ve said, Columbus’s screenplay more or less hits the notes you want in a kid-friendly adventure - although I’d argue the finished product is about a half hour too long. The film’s interminable midsection primarily involves wide eyed kids walking in circles, cheap scares, and painfully out of place Braveheart-style fatalism from Mikey whenever his friends lose faith. Still, the cast couldn’t be more ideal and the brain trust behind The Goonies clearly had a vision. Astin in particular already excels at the dogged, workmanlike self-determination that would later make him an excellent Hobbit. Jeff Cohen steals the show as Chunk, so I guess Hollywood is right - there IS an upside to making fun of fat kids after all!

Spielberg may or may not have directed parts the film himself (as with Poltergeist, there is some measure of debate on this) but either way, his cloying whimsy permeates the production, and actual director Richard Donner’s legendary pragmatism pulls solid performances out of the cast and keeps the narrative ball rolling - except when it doesn’t. I’m not sure if you’d recognize David Grusin’s work anywhere else, but his soundtrack is almost as (mostly) entertaining as (parts of) the film itself. The Goonies universe is a cartoonish, uneven place that’s mostly good fun but on the whole, I’m not sure it quite lives up to its reputation. The overlong and hyper-simplistic story may or may not work for you as an adult, but the kid inside is bound to have a good time - despite the total lack of axe murderers and face hugging xenomorphs.

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