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But alas, they do not.

More so than the murky plot and horrible acting, the fights are the actually weakest part of the movie. They're poorly choreographed and are executed very, VERY slowly, like day one of a Krav Maga class for double amputees. And very few of them actually advance the story, making them feel all the more clumsy. But wait - there’s more! Very few of the actors in this movie even look like they can fight. Ashby hides his scrawny physique by dressing as an insurance salesman the whole film. Wilson looks like a doe eyed high school kid, and every time she kicks someone she loses her balance and nearly lands on her ass. Shou seems to have some ability, but the ugly way the combat is filmed and designed do little to make him look good. After the first major battle, Raiden’s ironic slow clap actually feels pretty appropriate.

In all of Hollywood, there weren’t at least two people who could already fight well enough to look good on screen, and act well enough to appear in this movie? Mortal Kombat has a distinct half-assness in too many critical areas for it to really hold up as a whole. I realize I'm not meant to take this film entirely seriously; at one point Kano actually delivers a monologue at a banquet table holding a turkey leg. And he's got Nicolas Cage's chest hair from Valley Girl.

I suppose I can find some measure of grotesque humor in that. There are even a few funny moments of friction between Sonya and Cage, but the actors are so unappealing that no part of me wants to see them hook up.

Do you realize how important that is? When a movie pushes a romance on you, and every ounce of you says "no thanks, I’d find Hentai less appalling" - someone has failed, and they have failed miserably.

Here’s another example. There's a moment of intended drama near the end where Raiden advises our heroes to face down their fears in order to prevail. Then, he tells them all exactly what those fears are. This patently robs the story of real drama, which would be watching someone come to their own moment of self realization. Like I said - in all the areas that matter the most, Mortal Kombat takes shortcuts for shortcuts, and it shows. When a movie about fighting is full of bad fights, when the actors are largely irritating and the story feels flat and uninspired, what the hell have you got left?

Well, there are a few things. The production design and visual effects are still largely impressive; the world of Mortal Kombat looks like such a cool place, I’m ready to hit up Stubhub for tickets to the next tournament. Goro, the reigning tournament champion, is a surprisingly realistic 11-foot-tall animatronic freak with four arms and a Steven Seagal ponytail. The limits of technology obviously made it hard for him to move convincingly, so a lot of camera trickery was used - mostly successfully. But most of all, the rivalry between Tagawa and Lambert might be the best thing about the film. Lambert is never asked to fight, but his creepy stare and raspy voice are perfect - and I’m pretty sure Tagawa thinks he really IS Shang Tsung.

When all is said and done, though, I can’t help but think that the best Mortal Kombat experience you’re likely to have is to pop in one of the more recent incarnations of the game, fire up the soundtrack, and imagine yourself in a smoke filled room, surrounded by leather bound Dutch people with glow sticks. The characters will be more appealing, the acting will be better, and the Kombat will be far more Mortal. All the things that make the game enjoyable are specifically missing from the movie, so why bother? Sometimes, you just can’t beat the real thing.

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