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In other words, take Jurassic Park, put it on the set of “Gunsmoke” and replace the dinosaurs with robots. That’s Westworld. Oh, and also replace Jeff Goldblum with sexual abuse.

Wait, what?

That’s right. I know this is an old film, but it actually ends up being a plot point so I say it’s fair game. Early in the film Pete and John visit a bordello, and decide to take advantage of the local flavor, meaning “bang some prostitutes.” That’s fine, but it becomes immediately clear that specific fem-bots in all three parks are there for men to do with entirely as they please. They’re specifically programmed to give in if you decide you want a little more than what’s on the menu. I know it was a different time, but Westworld’s treatment of this subject as a running joke is an anachronism that fails to translate.

And by the way, they say that the way you can tell the robots from the humans is by their cheap looking hands. You mean to tell me they’re real enough to convincingly have sex with (or rape, evidently), but they can’t get the hands right? And did you ever notice notice how in the movies, everyone automatically knows how to ride a horse no matter who they are or where they’re from?

This is also a largely ugly, cheap looking film. During a climactic sword fight late in the film, the characters’ weapons are badly bent, clearly made out of melted kitchen implements from K Mart’s housewares section. I assume the movie focuses on Westworld instead of Roman World because at the time, that’s what was already lying around every backlot in Hollywood. Whenever you can film high concept on a low budget that’s almost a no brainer. But Westworld looks feels like a rush job, and it abandons whatever theme it’s trying to explore toward the end in favor of the Big Chase.

I do want to mention that Yul Brynner’s Gunslinger is probably my favorite thing about the movie. He gets a fair amount of screen time for someone who speaks maybe 20 words, but his presence speaks volumes on its own. It’s not enough to save the film from itself, but I also wouldn’t call Westworld a “disappointment.” It inspired countless other books and films, and really does raise some fascinating questions. What happens when the machines we create evolve faster than we do? What does it mean when we become so reliant on technology that we inadvertently hand it dominion over our future?

It just doesn’t dig very deep trying to answer them.

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