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They really should have had Pink Floyd write the soundtrack to this, and I am absolutely not kidding.

Obviously, five lucky children find the tickets, and each has a parent accompany them to Wonka’s factory. Wonka himself (Gene Wilder, duh) is immediately creepy. Right off the bat, he coerces his guests into signing a confusing (and quite binding) non-indemnity agreement. He leads them through Byzantine corridors, plays bizarre practical jokes on them and answers their questions with cryptic remarks that sound like threats disguised as jokes. By the time they get inside the factory, everyone’s kind of afraid of him.

By now, everyone probably remembers the scene inside. The chocolate waterfall, the room where everything is made of candy, the Oompa Loompas, and the weird series of accidents that begin to occur almost immediately. Without giving too much away, it eventually becomes clear that what we’re seeing is essentially a fable – and that’s where things finally begin to get interesting. Once you’re able to view Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in this light it not only makes more sense, but you kind of wish everyone would stop breaking into song every few minutes. It actually feels unnecessary.

One of the reasons Charlie is so sickeningly sweet and kind is because the other children are so NOT that. They’re each obnoxious, entitled little dirtbags with no manners and no respect for authority. The most memorable is Veruca Salt (Julie Dawn Cole), a little girl so irredeemably narcissistic someone named a rock band after her. In fact, as the film goes on, Wonka’s off-putting nature starts to look downright sensible. Credit should be given to Wilder – Wonka isn’t what you’d call a “villain,” but you’re never quite sure whether he can be trusted.

And whatever misfortune befalls whichever character, it’s Wonka’s RE-actions, rather than his actions that invite suspicion. It’s a nuanced performance, and a very bold one, quite frankly. It’s precisely because I do NOT like Willy Wonka that I can say Wilder completely nailed it. It’s the character’s ambiguity of purpose and seemingly amoral demeanor that makes him so borderline repulsive, yet so endlessly interesting. Just like a fable.

You have to stick around to the end of this one, otherwise you’ll never get the payoff you deserve for sitting through it. Everything does come together by the end, even if it’s hard to sit through at times. And it’s even maybe a little touching – or at least modestly heartwarming, before it’s all over. And by the way, although I came down pretty hard on the songs, there is a notable exception. The aforementioned Oompa Loompas – Wonka’s indentured labor force of tiny, green haired Donald Trumps – have by far the best (and most grimly sardonic) musical moments of the film.

The last thing I should point out is that certain…things happen to certain people over the course of the story, and their fates are not entirely made clear before the end of the film. THIS is what terrified me as a child, being the deep thinking lad I apparently was. So, add that to my existing prejudice against musicals, and you have my permission to tell people that Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is not my favorite Gene Wilder film.

But it’s the only one that scared me so much that I still sometimes dream about it today.

Godspeed, Gene Wilder. You are the Sean Connery of Willie Wonkas.

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