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And having just seen it again now, I want to make some statements on the record. Paradoxically, the only way you can make it through Megaforce in one sitting is to have already broken your brain with it once before. Nobody “remembers” the first time they saw Megaforce, any more than they can “remember” that time they played beer pong with everclear back in college. The human mind naturally rejects these experiences and attempts to aggressively pave over them, like a grabby uncle, or being at the scene of a train derailment. But sadly, some things can never be forgotten. Some things can never be unseen.

For instance, the hero and commanding officer of Megaforce is not “Brad,” but the far more stupidly named Ace Hunter (Barry Bostwick). I’m not saying that Ace Hunter is a bad name. It’s not, provided you saw it in a comic book at ten-years-old, or it’s 1917 and you are a Captain in the Royal Flying Corps. It also doesn’t help that Bostwick was playing a pirate on stage at the time, and showed up to the set of Megaforce in his pirate beard, and wearing a pirate headband.

Also, he is slinking around in a spandex jumpsuit with his junk just OUT there, a-la David Bowie in Labyrinth. I have nothing against Mr. Bostwick, who is a well-respected veteran of stage and screen. But in Megaforce, every time he opens his mouth he sounds like he’s about to sing. Or perhaps, lose out to his gag reflex as he attempts to choke out some of the most hideous - and hideously delivered - dialogue ever put to screen. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I need to get this out of my system, but in an orderly and logical fashion. Writing it down and looking at it, and recording it for posterity - it’s the only way I can get through this.

No man should have to suffer the things I have just seen, much less suffer them alone.

So let’s back up a bit. For reasons I’ll admit I didn’t particularly care to note, General Byrne-White (Edward Mulhare) and his assistant Major Zara (Persis Khambatta) arrive at a top secret military installation somewhere in a top secret section of the desert. There, they are greeted by a redneck with a rifle, and four guys on puny looking dirt bikes covered with crap looking fiberglass panels that are evidently meant to simulate battle armor. One is not quite finished snickering at this when Bostwick and his family jewels hop off one of the bikes and gets catty with the Major as his powder blue headband flaps in the wind.

That’s how we meet international badass Ace Hunter - tough as nails commander of Megaforce. It’s not clear under whose authority they operate, but they’re basically GI Joe, with less funding but somehow even more flamboyantly dressed. And like GI Joe, Megaforce is a truly international unit, where the Americans are clearly in charge of everything. Yes, I have to admit that Megaforce is a very racially diverse unit for 1982. There’s Asian Guy, Arab Guy, and I believe I saw Mexican Guy #1 and #2. So, that’s good, I guess. But most of the dialogue is spoken by Hunter and Dallas (Michael Beck), who is wearing a Confederate flag on his sleeve.

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