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It’s very unclear how this universe works, but I assume it’s some kind of alternate timeline where things turned out a little better for Jefferson Davis than they did here. Also, the world is policed by soft looking, spandex clad pretty boys on the same kind of dirt bikes you dislocated your shoulder with when you were in high school. The plot of the movie picks up with Megaforce helping Byrne-White repel an enemy invasion from his country, using a majestic attack force of six, or possibly eight plastic dune buggies and a bunch of those rickety looking motorcycles.

It’s not that the story is hard to follow. It’s just damn near impossible to become invested in what’s happening when you’re busy trying to figure out how many high school theater departments were decimated bringing Megaforce to life. If I were to do a Google deep dive on this movie, and discovered that the actors sewed their own costumes, I would not be shocked. If I were to then subsequently learn that they also wrote their own dialogue, I would be equally unfazed. it would definitely explain the part where Hunter says the following Zara, after using the medals on her uniform as an excuse to poke her boob:

“You can’t tell everything about a soldier by looking at his chest”

I don’t think that’s an exact quote. I’m completely sure what he means, and neither is she. It doesn’t help that his off duty uniform makes him look like an actual pirate. She just kind of plays along, which is about all one can do with the first act of Megaforce. At least the actors got paid for this. I have nobody to blame but myself. I considered this over the first 40 minutes of the film, which are devoted to watching Ace Hunter give a tour of the super-awesome Megaforce complex while running his fingers through his hair and wearing a series of successively more constrictive uniform pants.

The problem is, none of the “awesomeness” he’s describing is anywhere up there on screen. It’s not just that we’re being forced to watch obvious filler. The other part of the problem is that the super-awesome Megaforce complex is just as shitty as the rest of their gear. It’s just a series of matte paintings and largely empty rooms dressed up with the 13th or 14th best visual effects money could buy in 1982. There’s a sky-diving scene at the end of act one that will kill you if you’re drinking anything when it happens.

It’s a situation where they clearly couldn’t afford to film what they wanted, so they apparently had someone just lie on a table in front of a really big fan. That’s a damn shame, because Megaforce is directed by former stuntman and Hollywood icon Hal Needham. If nothing else, this means you can at least rest assured that the scene where the laser dune buggies destroy the tank battalion is the highlight of the film. Assuming you enjoy watching dune buggies jump over plastic tanks, of course.

But Needham gave us Smokey and the Bandit, so I could find out tomorrow that he made all his clothes out of kittens and I’d find a way to rationalize it. Bostwick had a pretty good run on Spin City, so good for him. Persis Khambatta sadly passed away some years ago, but having just watched her in Megaforce, is it wrong to envy her? The only way you can judge for yourself is to watch - and I’ve told you what will happen. When I was a young boy, I was made aware of a legend. Then I grew into a man, and the legend died. Or perhaps, it never truly existed at all.

But don’t weep for me. Weep for the child inside me.

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