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Of course, the reason I can’t imagine that elevator pitch is because the person making it doesn’t get to finish before they and their dumb script are thrown from the top of the building. Or maybe not, if they’re Elmore Leonard. This is the man whose work is behind this film, Get Shorty, Jackie Brown, and that show Justified my one friend keeps begging - BEGGING me to watch. I guess that’s a good thing, because Mr. Majestyk is far more than the sum of its parts. This is a really solid, small town action-revenge flick that both does and does NOT follow all the traditional beats.

Yes, Vince Majestyk is just back from ‘Nam (which in 1974 wasn’t yet a cliche). Yes, his character is a man of honor with a checkered past, a failed marriage and an antisocial streak. And yes, he ends up running afoul of the law, is accused of a crime he did not commit, and has to go on the run to clear his name. Those are the kinds of things you’d expect from a popcorn flick starring Chuck Bronson, or Sly Stallone, or Arnold “gets to use the nerdiest name in the world as a mononym” Schwarzenegger.

But there are a few things about Mr. Majestyk that make it kind of a rare little gem.

First, there’s that whole “ex-Green Beret/melon farmer” thing. That’s just awesome. I can see “driving a cab” or “bouncer” or “kindergarten teacher,” but melon farmer? Genius! The second thing, as I mentioned, is that Majestik is eventually framed for a (very minor) crime which he did not commit. Like most action/revenge flicks, the police are not what I would call “incompetent.” No, this is more a case of police who openly decide not to do their jobs for no reason other than because it would get in the way of the story.

That’s also probably why while he’s in prison, Majestyk immediately - and I mean IMMEDIATELY - runs afoul of famed mafia hitman Frank Renda (Al Lettieri). Frank and his mafia overlords operate out of Denver, because if there’s anything Andy Garcia has taught us, it’s that Denver is a wretched hive of scum and mafia villainy. And when the Denver mafia wants to kick back, they do not head up to Vail, land of heated swimming pools and movie stars. No, they chill out in Edna, almost three hours into the part of Colorado that is largely indistinguishable from Kansas.

It just makes sense.

Long story short - Renda has it out for Majestyk, leading to a really odd game of cat and mouse. At least, insofar as you can have one of those in a city whose population can barely fill a basketball court. But what makes me love Mr. Majestyk so much is that if you watch closely, Bronson’s character does very little to bring any of this on himself. He just wants to get his damn melons picked. Unfortunately, he is arbitrarily surrounded by characters whose vested interests are not only stupid, but seem to universally involve him NOT getting his melons picked on time.

But the film plays all this off with the cool, even-handed appeal of a man with total confidence in himself - just like real-life war hero Charles Bronson. It’s largely his sedateness that grounds a story seemingly steeped in utter madness. The plot is what you might charitably call “improbable,” and it’s saddled with an antagonist who serves no purpose other than to be a dick. For most of the film, Renda could go back to Denver whenever he wants; he just decides to hang around Edna and blow things up, which really doesn’t seem to rankle the local police all that much.

And no matter what happens around him, Bronson takes it all in stoic (and sometimes dryly snarky) stride.

Until the third act of course, when he finally drops all pretense and straight up Bronsons the crap out of everything that moves. At the end of the day, I’ll call this a surprisingly engaging genre picture that is driven almost entirely by a man whose general lack of charisma not makes him intimidating, but endows him with earnestness and credibility that other action stars lack. So if you’re a Charles Bronson fan and you haven’t seen Mr. Majestyk, then you are NOT a Charles Bronson fan, sir.

And if you are not a Charles Bronson fan, I’m sorry to have bothered you. Please go back to being a meth dealer, a member of ISIS, or whatever people like you do with your time.

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