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In this universe, the whole “vampire transformation” thing happens pretty much on the spot. As the sun rises, Caleb becomes ill and starts smoldering like a Duraflame log. He’s outside just long enough for his family to see a Winnebago swoop in and carry him off. They enlist the police for help finding him, which is smart, because that Winnebago is stuffed with vampires. Mae and her coven of two men, two women and a weird child roam the roads like a vampire Partridge Family - drinking, smoking, and bloodsucking their way across the state.

When they discover what Mae has done, they reluctantly take in the newcomer, on a provisional basis. Jesse (Lance Henriksen), the coven’s leader, immediately wants to slaughter Caleb, as does his right-hand man Severen (Bill Paxton). But I guess vampires are reluctant to kill their own, and everyone seems to like Mae a lot. So, the plan becomes to keep Caleb around until he fucks something up, and then Severen plans to cut his face off, after kicking him in the throat hard enough to perform a rectal tonsillectomy.

I’m not making that up. It is based on actual threats made in the film. And while this gives Paxton a chance to shine like a Maglite every time he’s on screen, it does invite some interesting perplexities. You’d think that as a vampire, one would want to remain rather discreet in their everyday activities. You’re immortal, after all, and that’s a long time to spend constantly looking over your shoulder thanks to your penchant for spontaneous murder sprees. Add in that famous vulnerability to sunlight, and long drunken road trips begin to look like a bad idea.

This is why vampires usually live in castles and tend to avoid overnight trips to strange places.

Also, fun fact - these vampires can apparently survive on each other’s blood, as well as ours. That seems weird for a lot of reasons, but it’s an essential plot point here. Caleb has trouble adjusting to the fact that if he wants to eat, he’s going to have to get used to a steady diet of long haul truckers. Well, that’s MY fear. Caleb is reluctant to murder, because he’s only been a vampire for a few hours. I just kept thinking that because of where they are, that means chowing down on a lot of fat, sweaty necks, and sucking down a lot of residual bacon fat, bean burritos, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I can’t speak from experience, but I have to believe that after centuries of wallowing in human blood, you must get to the point where the puny mortals start to take on regional flavors. If I were (theoretically) a vampire, I’d want to live in a sunless place where I had easy access to fit people with good eating habits, like a posh London suburb or something. What I would absolutely NOT want would be to troll the highways of rural Texas, full as it is of sun, sand and all those empty redneck calories.

I guess I’ll have to wait for the sequel, because Jesse’s idea of lying low is a little something I like to call From Dusk Till Dawn: Road Edition. Jesse and Severen roll into bars every night, openly picking fights and loudly murdering everyone in a whirlwind of bullets, blades and often fire. That’s amusing, because at one point Jesse implies that he’s been at this for at least 150 years. But it’s hard to imagine even an immortal surviving quite that long with that kind of lifestyle. If you could somehow combine the DNA of John Belushi, Jeff Spicoli and Wolverine, THAT man would be far too prudent to party with Team Jesse.

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