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So, remember a moment ago when we discussed our and how boring and obvious our heroes are? Well, their nemesis is a similarly improbable/forgettable person named Fouchet (Tchéky Karyo). We know he’s evil because of his fancy sounding name, his slick European accent, and the way he gleefully murders one of his idiot henchmen at the beginning of the film (good leaders only hire idiots). This sets Fouchet’s diabolically crafted scheme into motion. In minutes, the Miami police are facing the greatest challenge of their existence.

And what is Fouchet’s big plan?

Apparently if you call 911 and say “officer down”, the nearest police station will completely empty itself of cops as they all run around in circles looking for their wounded friend. They will leave the building completely unattended (obviously), allowing you and your henchmen to stroll in and rob the big silver bank safe all police stations have on the back wall. Then, you stroll back out with all the drugs in the world. The police will have no idea how to find you, because their idea of security is less inventive than the “no girls allowed” sign you had on your tree fort when you were little.

Howard is informed that he has [insert arbitrary period of time here] days to retrieve the drugs, or the whole division will be shut down. That’s right - they’re not going to just punish the idiot who gave the order to leave a building full of drugs empty and unguarded in the middle of an emergency. No, they’re going to reassign every cop in the division and close it, after which I guess everyone living in the surrounding neighborhoods can go screw themselves. Obviously this makes no sense; it’s just a lazy plot device designed to introduce a “ticking clock” to the story.

The rest of the plot isn’t much more original. I’d like to say that Fouchet is some kind of master criminal with a larger, Hans Gruber-style game plan in his back pocket. I’d also like to say that he and our titular Bad Boys engage in a thrilling game of cat and mouse, dancing on a razor’s edge to the pulse pounding beats of 1995’s hottest soundtrack. Sadly, I cannot (although the soundtrack is actually not half bad). What we have instead is the kind of thing they might really have done on Miami Vice...during a strike shortened season when the producers gave their their kids SAG cards and let them write a few episodes.

Fouchet and his gang are repeatedly referred to as “professionals who know what they’re doing”, because that is something that must be said in every cop movie. But for these clowns, no amount of police acumen is really required to pick up their trail. Fouchet is a typical movie villain who only hires incompetent dipshits. None of these morons would last a full episode of Reno 911, and it’s only the staggering incompetence of Howard’s department that allows them to remain free as long as they do. Maybe it sounds like I’m nitpicking, but I can’t be the only one who thinks that Bad Boys feels as though there was no script, and everyone on screen was just making up the story as they went along.

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