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That aside, this is also an incredibly stupid movie whose plot makes almost no logical sense whatsoever. The dialogue is better this time around, but it’s mostly things that no human would ever say in a thousand lifetimes. Michael Bay is also one of the few filmmakers who is happy to make a military themed film without researching one goddamn thing about the subject. His stance would seem to be that as long as you show the audience the uniforms, the jets and have everyone bark their lines in vaguely military sounding jargon, audiences won’t know the difference.

He’s right, of course. This is one of his trademarks - the “broad strokes” treatment. It normally angers me. But this time, it delighted me!

Stanley Goodspeed (Nicolas Cage) is the world’s coolest and most stupidly named chemical weapons specialist. He lives with his super-hot girlfriend (Vanessa Marcil) in a fabulously appointed urban loft, which looks like the backdrop of a Madonna video. Before you assume this to be beyond the financial reach of a scientist, remember that nothing Stanley does for the duration of this film in any way resembles the occupation of “chemical weapons specialist.” Just take your precious “logic” and “thinking” elsewhere, pal. You won’t be needing it here.

Stanley and Hot Wife have just become pregnant, prompting HER to propose marriage to HIM. This 90-second scene is crucial because it not only establishes a set of stakes, but it’s also the full extent of Stanley’s character development throughout this film. From this point on, Stanley Goodspeed is “Dude Having Baby.” This is what passes for character development in the Bayverse - but we don’t come to the Bayverse for character development, do we?

No, we come here for guys like Brigadier General Francis Hummel (Ed Harris). Hummel is upset that families of US Marines lost on top secret missions under his command have been denied benefits. That’s certainly a worthy cause, and I would think that one call to the Washington Post breaks that story wide open. Maybe that’s why I never made Brigadier General. Hummel chooses a more direct approach, meaning he and his loyal men hijack a top-secret stash of deadly VX nerve gas, take over Alcatraz island and threaten to launch the stuff into San Francisco unless the government makes amends.

Sound extreme? This was the ‘90s, brother. Everything was extreme.

In this role, Ed Harris is everything I love about Ed Harris. He brings legitimate gravity to a character whose dialogue is mostly word salad, shouted in staccato cadences and full of glittering words like “honor,” “justice,” and “liberty.” He also has a dead wife, whose grave he regularly visits. This is meant to imply that he’s less a villain and more a conflicted hero. But when you stop and think about his plan, it’s as bugfuck insane as a barrel full of drunk monkeys, and twice as cruel and pointless. But you’re NOT going to stop and think about it, because this is a Michael Bay film, and I warned you about “thinking” a minute ago.

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